NSFW Am I masochistic?

[Imhopeless]

Hello, I know that from the title the post might seem like it doesn't belong on this site but please bear with me. To be honest I don't even know If I can post things like these here so, please correct me if I'm wrong.

To make it as short as possible, it all started as a joke, calling myself or being called a masochist. I didn't really took it that seriously at the start, I just joked about "wanting to be beaten up" or insulted in general (It's just that kind of friend group, don't mind). It all took a turn when I started to get more curious and searched up sado-maso manga and things.
It surprisingly really was a turn on for me so I just went along with it.

After some time I genuinely enjoyed when my friend would punch me as a joke or swear at me.

So the point why I'm writing this here because it got too dangerous. I always was suicidal, thinking it's not a big deal whether I die now by my hand or if something were to kill me. When Im going home from my tutoring, I pass by a road that's often use by trucks(sorry I don't know what's it called in english), there are times when I see those humongous wheels speeding on the asphalt and I can't help but to feel my stomach knot and get all tingly. I want to be run over by them so badly I can't contain myself but to just jump in front of one of these. It's so bad that sometimes I purposeful start to walk slower when I cross the road with hope that one of the cars won't stop in time and just run me over.

And here comes my questions. Am I masochistic or just mentally ill? Should I seek professional help? Am I a pervert? And lastly, Am I disgusting by saying things like that online to people I dont even know?

Thanks for all responses in advance.

 

[loslassen]

Hello, I know that from the title the post might seem like it doesn't belong on this site but please bear with me. To be honest I don't even know If I can post things like these here so, please correct me if I'm wrong.

To make it as short as possible, it all started as a joke, calling myself or being called a masochist. I didn't really took it that seriously at the start, I just joked about "wanting to be beaten up" or insulted in general (It's just that kind of friend group, don't mind). It all took a turn when I started to get more curious and searched up sado-maso manga and things.
It surprisingly really was a turn on for me so I just went along with it.

After some time I genuinely enjoyed when my friend would punch me as a joke or swear at me.

So the point why I'm writing this here because it got too dangerous. I always was suicidal, thinking it's not a big deal whether I die now by my hand or if something were to kill me. When Im going home from my tutoring, I pass by a road that's often use by trucks(sorry I don't know what's it called in english), there are times when I see those humongous wheels speeding on the asphalt and I can't help but to feel my stomach knot and get all tingly. I want to be run over by them so badly I can't contain myself but to just jump in front of one of these. It's so bad that sometimes I purposeful start to walk slower when I cross the road with hope that one of the cars won't stop in time and just run me over.

And here comes my questions. Am I masochistic or just mentally ill? Should I seek professional help? Am I a pervert? And lastly, Am I disgusting by saying things like that online to people I dont even know?

Thanks for all responses in advance.

I think there is a lot to unwrap here, I'm not qualified to profile you in anyway or a professional, but I do have some over the surface knowledge on psychology.

For starters maybe evaluate yourself? Write down what it is you feel and try to explain why or what makes you feel that way, when did it start, how does it affect you etc. answering a few of your questions, I don't think I can blame you for sharing something so big to strangers online specially since I can assume you don't have anyone to talk to irl that you'd trust enough or wouldn't freak out, we've all been there.

In my observation, maybe it's suggestion and content consumption that's sculpted you into a masochistic "pervert" if you'd have to label yourself, if its not an issue you believe you were born with, Im pretty sure you can get it attended and hopefully recover/heal from, since obviously it's not healthy. So yes I recommend you seek professional help, make sure you evaluate what kind of professional you're going to open up to or work with so that they can meet your needs/privacy/understand you without bashing you or shaming you in any way, what you want is help not unnecessarily having people treat you like a freak. Know I'm just a stranger online, but from my experience i sympathize with you, I've had my sexuality exposed to sick things and panicked not knowing what to do or understanding myself, you're not alone, and in all best wishes I hope you will be okay. XX

 

[Abyssal]

Sexual attraction to life threatening scenarios is more common than people think. You do seem to have sexual masochistic disorder so…uh..both.

 

[Levia@than]

As someone who considers themselves to be a masochist, I feel like I'm semi qualified to speak on this. The feeling of enjoyment that comes with people degrading you verbally or physically is very common among masochists. The mix of masochism and suicidal tendencies is a likely explanation for your self destructive fantasies around vehicles. I'd say it's very likely you are a masochist but I'm not a professional so take this with a grain of salt.

 

[Ash’Girl]

I mean, if you get turned on by pain and / or humiliation, you can seek out partners who will safely accommodate this - just be careful and vet them. It doesn't mean you're a freak, or wrong in the head, there are a multitude of different sexual fetishes in this world and as long as they are SSC (safe/sane/consensual) you can easily find kink/BDSM communities that would welcome you to the fold.

Just note: anyone who entertains the notion of doing you severe bodily harm is not safe to play with, I'm not talking breaking bones and cutting off limbs here. But there is a fantasy element where they could set the scene so they verbally make you think they're going to do this. But this is real edge play so they should discuss your limits and negotiate safe word, dos and donts beforehand.

Re the urges to ctb - is it a fantasy that turns you on or is it separate from your desires and more about you just wanting to escape this life? You could be confusing your suicidality with your fetishes if you think the two overlap somewhat.

I guess I'm saying: you could go find yourself a dominant (either on your local fetish scene, or you can pay professionals) to play out some of your pain/humiliation fantasies. Actually having that as a release might make you feel better in many ways. You might realise you get what you need from being beaten/degraded in pre-negotiated scenes/dynamics that can feel risky but essentially are safe, and it might be enough for you, and if your CTB fantasies are more about taboo desires than actually about wanting to be dead, you might find they lessen.

Btw - there's nothing wrong with being a masochist.