Venting Am i just stupid?

[tymmmm]

Hi, i don't know, i've been thinking for some time if i should even write here something but i don't even know anymore so why don't give it a try.

I've been visiting this site and reading some threads and i'm sorry that this world is such a shitty place for so many people. And i know that this might sound selfish but now i feel like my problems aren't really problems like many people have it so much worse. I mean, i have a good family, yes, it's not perfect and maybe i have some kind of issues with mom but it's not that bad; i have good supporting friends; i study in university and i'm pretty good at it, but i still don't know. I've wanted to ctb since i was 16, i still do, but i have a decent life however i feel like it's going to be worse and worse with each year and i'm terrified thinking about future, i think that i'm not going to live a fulfilling life (whatever it means i have no idea), so why don't end it now? I hate living, i hate even the idea that i have to face some difficulties, it's so stupid! Now i'm going through therapy, i'm diagnosed with depression, but i have a feeling that this is not going to help
And i want to ctb, i do, but i know that i probably will not do it since i'm afraid of how it will affect my family and friends. Sometimes i really wish some drunk driver would hit me but then again he would be in trouble and even this bothers me! Why can't i just escape this world without any consequences, it would be so nice. And even if i overlook this emotional aspect, it still will be difficult to ctb since i'm afraid of pain and SA and i have no idea how get my hands on SN in my country, maybe i need to search it more thoroughly... And then again what if i fail? I can't even image what everyone would do to me once they find out i attempted something. I'm so afraid to do something but i'm afraid of living what the hell this nightmarish loop even is? I feel so stupid even writing this, hope no one gets offended, i don't want to ruin your day... Should i delete this thread? I just really wanted to get this of my chest, i'm sorry for ranting, but maybe someone faced this kind of feelings and knows how to overcome them or something... If i should delete it just say a word

 

[Yuki K]

That's the reason I cannot go through with my ctb attempt. I have a great family and friends, my ctb news will hurt them gravely. And I don't want that. I can no longer live in this world, in this society, I cannot live up to the expectations of others. I will never be able to make my parents proud. So what's even the point of living anymore.

You're not stupid or selfish for wanting to leave this world. Survival Instinct is a pain in the ass. I've attempted ctb around 6 to 7 times by now and yet I tap out or fail every time and it's honestly irritating at this point

 

[dontfearthereaper11]

That overwhelming dread of the future is normal. Thinking of the enormity of life can be rather unpleasant and it is very understandable why you would be afraid of the future, even if your present appears to be good. So don't think that your feelings are invalid, the way you feel is entirely understood by likely a majority of the people here.

No one here will be offended by what you say. This website is a safe space for people feeling exactly like you. People who are suffering, and are afraid of the stigma around the way they're feeling and need a place to feel welcomed and not embarrassed to express how they feel. You're in the right place. You don't need to be worried about expressing how you feel. We're all here to help each other in any way we need.

Wanting to ctb is understandable. Having fear of the future can be incredibly painful. Your suffering everyday is not something to be ignored or written off. If ctb is your goal, know that there isn't a reason to be afraid of it. It's peace, in the end. A way to end your pain is not something to be afraid of.

However, you do seem to have those close to you in life. So, as you know, going through with the act will always end up hurting those around you. It's up to you to decide if it the pain of them is worth the ending of your own pain. Which is up to you to decide. I personally have one person in my life that I suffer through life for, because I know my end would likely lead to theirs. And the thought of that crushes me.

You aren't alone in how you're feeling. You don't need to be worried about us here, we're all here for you. Wish you the best.

 

[tymmmm]

That's the reason I cannot go through with my ctb attempt. I have a great family and friends, my ctb news will hurt them gravely. And I don't want that. I can no longer live in this world, in this society, I cannot live up to the expectations of others. I will never be able to make my parents proud. So what's even the point of living anymore.

You're not stupid or selfish for wanting to leave this world. Survival Instinct is a pain in the ass. I've attempted ctb around 6 to 7 times by now and yet I tap out or fail every time and it's honestly irritating at this point

oh damn, i'm sorry you had to go through this and thank you so much for replying, i really appreciate it!
Sometimes i hear things like "you should live for yourself and not for others expectations" but it's easier said than done, and whereas i totally agree with that statement i myself cannot live up even to it haha i always prioritize others then myself and it hurts me but i can't just let go, sucks i guess

And i take it no one knows about your attempts?
In any case, i hope you will be able to find a way to peace <3

 

[Mimi_]

And i know that this might sound selfish but now i feel like my problems aren't really problems like many people have it so much worse.

No matter how much you think your life is not that bad compared to some, you still are suffering. Your feelings are valid. So please don't feel like that, it might make you feel even worse. Truly, nothing good will come from invalidating what you are experiencing

 

[tymmmm]

That overwhelming dread of the future is normal. Thinking of the enormity of life can be rather unpleasant and it is very understandable why you would be afraid of the future, even if your present appears to be good. So don't think that your feelings are invalid, the way you feel is entirely understood by likely a majority of the people here.

No one here will be offended by what you say. This website is a safe space for people feeling exactly like you. People who are suffering, and are afraid of the stigma around the way they're feeling and need a place to feel welcomed and not embarrassed to express how they feel. You're in the right place. You don't need to be worried about expressing how you feel. We're all here to help each other in any way we need.

Wanting to ctb is understandable. Having fear of the future can be incredibly painful. Your suffering everyday is not something to be ignored or written off. If ctb is your goal, know that there isn't a reason to be afraid of it. It's peace, in the end. A way to end your pain is not something to be afraid of.

However, you do seem to have those close to you in life. So, as you know, going through with the act will always end up hurting those around you. It's up to you to decide if it the pain of them is worth the ending of your own pain. Which is up to you to decide. I personally have one person in my life that I suffer through life for, because I know my end would likely lead to theirs. And the thought of that crushes me.

You aren't alone in how you're feeling. You don't need to be worried about us here, we're all here for you. Wish you the best.

Thank you so much for such a thoughtful reply! I feel at ease reading this and it's nice

Yeah, i know my close ones are the only reason i'm still here, i just know that everyone will live perfectly even without me, like, they will probably grieve but that's it: and it's okay that is Life, i don't need anyone to be dependant on me or smth... however there is one exception which is my mom, we have harsh relationships but i know she depends on me and i hate it but i know she doesn't have anyone else to be there with her and it sucks sorry i'm venting again haha

Thanks again for kind words and it's likewise, i'm still new here, but i'll gladly be there for everyone in return. Thank you

No matter how much you think your life is not that bad compared to some, you still are suffering. Your feelings are valid. So please don't feel like that, it might make you feel even worse. Truly, nothing good will come from invalidating what you are experiencing

Thank you so much for reading this and replaying, i really appreciate it! And i'm trying to validate my feelings, it's just that sometimes i feel really bad and start overthinking everything haha thanks again

 

[Yuki K]

oh damn, i'm sorry you had to go through this and thank you so much for replying, i really appreciate it!
Sometimes i hear things like "you should live for yourself and not for others expectations" but it's easier said than done, and whereas i totally agree with that statement i myself cannot live up even to it haha i always prioritize others then myself and it hurts me but i can't just let go, sucks i guess

And i take it no one knows about your attempts?
In any case, i hope you will be able to find a way to peace <3

No, no one knows about my attempts because I've ever really seriously gotten hurt from them. Most of time it just leaves scars behind which I can hide with cloths or sometimes SI just takes over as I mentioned earlier

 

[FuneralCry]

No matter what, everyone's wish to die is valid regardless of the fact that others have it worse. At least to me, in this cruel world wishing to leave will always seem like the most logical thing as I certainly view it as being preferable to not exist. I also hate existing and could never see existence as being worth enduring no matter what, but anyway I wish you the best. It's completely understandable feeling afraid of existing as after all, there is just no limit as to how much we can potentially suffer as long as one stays here, life really is so unfair, unpredictable and uncertain.

 

[tymmmm]

No, no one knows about my attempts because I've ever really seriously gotten hurt from them. Most of time it just leaves scars behind which I can hide with cloths or sometimes SI just takes over as I mentioned earlier

oh okay thanks again
i really hope you will find peace

No matter what, everyone's wish to die is valid regardless of the fact that others have it worse. At least to me, in this cruel world wishing to leave will always seem like the most logical thing as I certainly view it as being preferable to not exist. I also hate existing and could never see existence as being worth enduring no matter what, but anyway I wish you the best. It's completely understandable feeling afraid of existing as after all, there is just no limit as to how much we can potentially suffer as long as one stays here, life really is so unfair, unpredictable and uncertain.

Thank you for replaying! Likewise i wih you the best and hope that we will find our way

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

And i want to ctb, i do, but i know that i probably will not do it since i'm afraid of how it will affect my family and friends. Sometimes i really wish some drunk driver would hit me but then again he would be in trouble and even this bothers me! Why can't i just escape this world without any consequences, it would be so nice.

It's so unfair, isn't it? That no matter what we do, it affects others? It's cruel, actually. We had no say in whether or not to be given life, but the decision to end our life often has consequences for others.

My best friend died when he was 18, not from suicide, but a terminal illness. Still, his loss affects me to this day, more than 15 years later. I wonder how my death will affect those in my life. It's an unfair burden, given that we should have every right to decide what to do with our own lives.

 

[tymmmm]

It's so unfair, isn't it? That no matter what we do, it affects others? It's cruel, actually. We had no say in whether or not to be given life, but the decision to end our life often has consequences for others.

My best friend died when he was 18, not from suicide, but a terminal illness. Still, his loss affects me to this day, more than 15 years later. I wonder how my death will affect those in my life. It's an unfair burden, given that we should have every right to decide what to do with our own lives.

I understand what you're saying and i agree. It is cruel, unfortunately.

I wish you the best and i hope you will find your way in this world one way or another.