Help Am I jumping the gun?

[meatfleshprison]

I recently decided that a road to recovery was something I needed to do. I felt hopeless all the time and was scared of not being able to make it. I started antidepressants in the last month and am also starting an intensive out-patient program by Monday.

But it feels off. I've felt worse than ever when I should feel better than ever. Will this feeling pass, am I being too rash? Living with BPD just feels impossible. I notice constant patterns in my behavior and relationships and I try so hard to fix them but constantly fall back into bad habits. I'm at a constant push and pull with myself and the ones I love.

If I don't go through with this recovery and succumb to my problems and thoughts, I lose nothing. I don't have a job, or a partner, any aspirations or dreams. But if I do go through with recovery, I can eventually start to have things to live for. It's just so hard when everything you loved before is gone and you have to move on. I've never liked change, but it needs to happen and I don't know how to cope. I want my life to be worth living but it's so hard when I'm constantly on an up and down. Knowing things can get better and also knowing that things will never, ever be the same again.

I feel at a loss of words even writing this I feel drained and want to give up. I used to be afraid of my future, now I'm afraid of never having a future.

 

[dödsängel]

If you have nothing to lose by dying, you have nothing to lose by living right? Honestly, suicide is somewhat of a comforting thought for me that way at times. That I can keep trying, and if I fail or things become too bad I can kill myself and won't have to deal with consequences.
But naturally it's a little more complicated than that. I can somewhat relate to your issues. It feels like every other night I try to tell myself "tomorrow will be different, you'll change, you'll do this and that" but it never happens really. And things just continue to suck. Been happening for half my life now, where I'm disappointed with where I'm at and tell myself I'll change but nothing ever happens. I think the logical answer is "just do it" but it's never really that simple, I mean otherwise nobody would be in our position. It's even worse when results take time. The solution for me is just having some sort of pursuit on the side I guess. So I can say "at least I have this."

 

[meatfleshprison]

If you have nothing to lose by dying, you have nothing to lose by living right? Honestly, suicide is somewhat of a comforting thought for me that way at times. That I can keep trying, and if I fail or things become too bad I can kill myself and won't have to deal with consequences.
But naturally it's a little more complicated than that. I can somewhat relate to your issues. It feels like every other night I try to tell myself "tomorrow will be different, you'll change, you'll do this and that" but it never happens really. And things just continue to suck. Been happening for half my life now, where I'm disappointed with where I'm at and tell myself I'll change but nothing ever happens. I think the logical answer is "just do it" but it's never really that simple, I mean otherwise nobody would be in our position. It's even worse when results take time. The solution for me is just having some sort of pursuit on the side I guess. So I can say "at least I have this."

This is actually really eye opening. Thank you for your response!

 

[todienomore]

What antidepressant are you taking? Some of them do cause issues, I honestly think theyre toxic long term, thats why they stop working.

 

[AndroidAmongHumans]

If I don't go through with this recovery and succumb to my problems and thoughts, I lose nothing. I don't have a job, or a partner, any aspirations or dreams. But if I do go through with recovery, I can eventually start to have things to live for. It's just so hard when everything you loved before is gone and you have to move on. I've never liked change, but it needs to happen and I don't know how to cope. I want my life to be worth living but it's so hard when I'm constantly on an up and down. Knowing things can get better and also knowing that things will never, ever be the same again.

This kind of reminds me of the main character in the video game "Night in the Woods". the main character, Mae, has a lot of issues with dissociation and depression, but there's one point late in the game where she has a near-death experience and says "But when I die I want it to hurt. When my friends leave, when I have to let go, when this entire town is wiped off the map, I want it to hurt. Bad. Until that happens, I want to hope again. And I want it to hurt. Because that means it meant something."

 

[meatfleshprison]

What antidepressant are you taking? Some of them do cause issues, I honestly think theyre toxic long term, thats why they stop working.

Lexapro. I've been taking them for almost 3 weeks and they've done absolutely nothing for my mental health. Honestly, I think my thoughts have gotten worse.

 

[necroneko]

Lexapro. I've been taking them for almost 3 weeks and they've done absolutely nothing for my mental health. Honestly, I think my thoughts have gotten worse.

i take lexapro myself, usually, they take a while to work. ive been told it gets worse, then they start working after a couple more weeks. personally its made me feel much better, but i have been mostly taking it for anxiety so im not totally sure how it would work for you

 

[SoftWorries]

If you have nothing to lose by dying, you have nothing to lose by living right? Honestly, suicide is somewhat of a comforting thought for me that way at times. That I can keep trying, and if I fail or things become too bad I can kill myself and won't have to deal with consequences.
But naturally it's a little more complicated than that. I can somewhat relate to your issues. It feels like every other night I try to tell myself "tomorrow will be different, you'll change, you'll do this and that" but it never happens really. And things just continue to suck. Been happening for half my life now, where I'm disappointed with where I'm at and tell myself I'll change but nothing ever happens. I think the logical answer is "just do it" but it's never really that simple, I mean otherwise nobody would be in our position. It's even worse when results take time. The solution for me is just having some sort of pursuit on the side I guess. So I can say "at least I have this."

"Honestly, suicide is somewhat of a comforting thought for me that way at times. That I can keep trying, and if I fail or things become too bad I can kill myself and won't have to deal with consequences."

You expressed this really beautifully. It makes it seem like being suicidal could be a strength in moving forward. Or makes it possible to move forward while being suicidal.