Discussion Am I in the wrong here?

[ericwilkinson]

Sorry for another thread but I just can't get this out of my head. Back in high school (when I was in 11th grade), I went to a psychotherapist. I was bullied for a lot of things in school and had to move. Someone once called me the n word, threw my lock into a locker and said my mother was a whore. In the new school, I was bullied differently but mainly due to my autism.

Something happened and I had enough. I'm not proud of it but I attacked one of my relatives with a weapon. I've been doing badly ever since and have been having homicidal thoughts (don't worry mods, I'm under medicine and under control, no threat just venting) about people IRL but I don't intend on carrying them out cause I don't want to go to jail and have that inflicted on me. Also I wanted to do more constructive things in my life.

Anyway I told my therapist about these thoughts at the time against my bullies and she remarked once that I was a spoiled brat. I found this insane in many ways. Obviously I wondered why I'm spoiled for expressing revengeful thoughts against bullies and in fact not them for doing these things to me. Then again she was pretty dismissive of my desire to kill myself and said it was weak. Ironically which didn't help me at all.

I know how serious homicide would have been legally and morally and obviously never intended to carry it out but I just find it insane again in life how you get bullied and bullied, ask for help, nothing happens then you bring a weapon to teach the bully a lesson and now you're the bad person.

Perhaps again as someone said well it's because of Aspergers that I don't see how bullying vs killing. I understand most people would not by any means even teenagers find the latter to be acceptable as revenge. I have suspicions that if I was older, living by myself and presented with the issues of bullying, it would have been treated much differently by her. I also think that if I referenced punching a bully it would also not have garnered such a visceral reaction from her.

 

[not_a_robot]

It's got nothing to do with your Asperger's. Her response would be the same no matter who you were because shrinks are bullies themselves. You just got perfect lesson in neurotypical behavior. You recited it correctly.

Aren't they just so fucking great?

 

[21Neberg]

I'm sorry that your therapist said that to you. They can be cruel sometimes. In regards to your title, I don't think you're in the wrong at all. Bullying fucks a kid up, speaking from experience. Some people turn that anger inside and hate themselves, hurt themselves but others do the opposite and become angry and hateful towards others. Your homocidal thoughts aren't criminal. They're merely one of the results of bullying. Be careful though, you're not the only one with those thoughts but once you notice you start wondering about ways to actually kill those people you should seek immeadiate help.

 

[Freedom21]

Sorry for another thread but I just can't get this out of my head. Back in high school (when I was in 11th grade), I went to a psychotherapist. I was bullied for a lot of things in school and had to move. Someone once called me the n word, threw my lock into a locker and said my mother was a whore. In the new school, I was bullied differently but mainly due to my autism.

Something happened and I had enough. I'm not proud of it but I attacked one of my relatives with a weapon. I've been doing badly ever since and have been having homicidal thoughts (don't worry mods, I'm under medicine and under control, no threat just venting) about people IRL but I don't intend on carrying them out cause I don't want to go to jail and have that inflicted on me. Also I wanted to do more constructive things in my life.

Anyway I told my therapist about these thoughts at the time against my bullies and she remarked once that I was a spoiled brat. I found this insane in many ways. Obviously I wondered why I'm spoiled for expressing revengeful thoughts against bullies and in fact not them for doing these things to me. Then again she was pretty dismissive of my desire to kill myself and said it was weak. Ironically which didn't help me at all.

I know how serious homicide would have been legally and morally and obviously never intended to carry it out but I just find it insane again in life how you get bullied and bullied, ask for help, nothing happens then you bring a weapon to teach the bully a lesson and now you're the bad person.

Perhaps again as someone said well it's because of Aspergers that I don't see how bullying vs killing. I understand most people would not by any means even teenagers find the latter to be acceptable as revenge. I have suspicions that if I was older, living by myself and presented with the issues of bullying, it would have been treated much differently by her. I also think that if I referenced punching a bully it would also not have garnered such a visceral reaction from her.

That's horrible you should get a new therapist. It always astounds me when people share their therapist horror stories. They are supposed to help you work through your issues and as for the homicide comments it's not right but I say stuff I don't mean when I upset. Most people do. It's not weak or dramatic to kill yourself. I don't know what's worse people being super cautious and committing you or being dismissive. It's super hard to move on from the past and I get being angry obviously just don't kill anyone.

 

[not_a_robot]

Never ever tell a therapist the truth, they can't stand that.
Just tell them over and over how wonderful life is, nice weather, and how great they are. That's all they are there for. Tell them anything else and it's just their excuse to bully you. If you try to establish rapport or get actual help from them you will only piss them off. Like all neurotypicals, they think the world only exists to validate them and confirm how special they are.

I'm sorry that your therapist said that to you. They can be cruel sometimes. In regards to your title, I don't think you're in the wrong at all. Bullying fucks a kid up, speaking from experience. Some people turn that anger inside and hate themselves, hurt themselves but others do the opposite and become angry and hateful towards others. Your homocidal thoughts aren't criminal. They're merely one of the results of bullying. Be careful though, you're not the only one with those thoughts but once you notice you start wondering about ways to actually kill those people you should seek immeadiate help.

he already sought "help" and the "helper" bullied him.

 

[soda_pressed]

Fellow aspie here.

What about trying martial arts? I've heard it helps with anger/aggressive thoughts, and exercise can't hurt. Plus if some asshole tries to come at you, you'll at least be prepared.

 

[Severen]

Homicidal thoughts are natural. The lesson to be learned here, is next time, just don't use a weapon.

 

[Person]

I'm sorry you've had such an awful experience with the therapist.
Homicidal thoughts are natural when a particular person has hurt you substantially.

I've done nothing but think of murdering the idiot who was driving the car that killed my husband.
But that's the important thing to note, that they are thoughts. Natural thoughts that help us process trauma. But we mustn't act on them. It lowers us to be no better than the person that hurt us. I agree with the above sentance about martial arts ect to channel your anger in a safe way.
Anyone can snap back and hurt people, but it takes true strength of character to resist the urge. I'm sorry you've had to suffer through all this.

 

[been_there]

Anyway I told my therapist about these thoughts at the time against my bullies and she remarked once that I was a spoiled brat. I found this insane in many ways. Obviously I wondered why I'm spoiled for expressing revengeful thoughts against bullies and in fact not them for doing these things to me. Then again she was pretty dismissive of my desire to kill myself and said it was weak.

CHANGE YOUR THERAPIST

 

[Ruffian]

I have fluctuated from being bullied to being the bully throughout my life. As an adult, I've had enough experiences for being checked on my bullying that hopefully I won't ever do it again. I guess I was lucky there were people who were willing to point it out. I think it's totally normal to think about killing someone who bullied you for whatever reason. Autism is common enough, and I've seen some really rough people who were protective of their autistic family members, so no one messed with them. You're not the first person I've read about on here that's been bullied for it though, and as person with a different set of diagnoses, it pisses me off to no end. Especially when there are reports of elementary school children killing themselves over it.

I don't know how long you've had your therapist and what the situation is, but she sounds kind of mean. I kept a horrible therapist for a good part of my life until there was internet and I started reading about warning signs you need a new one. She would check in at around 7-8/10 in every article. Strangely, she also would call me spoiled, a brat, and entitled. And then goad me by telling me I didn't have the nerve to do it. The guy I have now is actually a rare kind of therapist. I wouldn't say he's GREAT, because I'm still suicidal, but I can talk about those feelings with him. I told him early on that if I seriously want to kill myself I wouldn't tell him. He's never tried to have me committed. I don't like that she seems to be dismissive of your feelings; even if they are out of proportion to a situation, they're important.

 

[Grey-zone]

Homicidal thoughts are natural. The lesson to be learned here, is next time, just don't use a weapon.

I agree, if someone is fucking with you, it's normal to fight back. Why the moral hand-wringing about wanting to beat the shit out of someone who's oppressing you?

 

[Severen]

OP's therapist sounds like an idiot. How is wanting to eliminate a threat from your existence being a spoiled brat?

 

[azucaramargo]

I'm sorry you've had such an awful experience with the therapist.
Homicidal thoughts are natural when a particular person has hurt you substantially.

I've done nothing but think of murdering the idiot who was driving the car that killed my husband.
But that's the important thing to note, that they are thoughts. Natural thoughts that help us process trauma. But we mustn't act on them. It lowers us to be no better than the person that hurt us. I agree with the above sentance about martial arts ect to channel your anger in a safe way.
Anyone can snap back and hurt people, but it takes true strength of character to resist the urge. I'm sorry you've had to suffer through all this.

I really thought this was such a helpful post, and comments like yours are why I love this site so much. Thank you for sharing your experiences for the good of others. I am so sorry about your husband. Your post is a gift.

 

[ericwilkinson]

OP's therapist sounds like an idiot. How is wanting to eliminate a threat from your existence being a spoiled brat?

Keep in mind though, there were NUMEROUS red flags before. I basically discovered that she was telling my parents everything about me. I confided in her in many things and she just told them EVERYTHING. It wasn't even concerning.

I honestly don't get why she did that especially since they weren't things that mandated her "duty to report".

 

[Person]

I really thought this was such a helpful post, and comments like yours are why I love this site so much. Thank you for sharing your experiences for the good of others. I am so sorry about your husband. Your post is a gift.

Thank you so much. Yes I find this community is probably one of the most compassionate I've ever been part of

 

[azucaramargo]

M

Keep in mind though, there were NUMEROUS red flags before. I basically discovered that she was telling my parents everything about me. I confided in her in many things and she just told them EVERYTHING. It wasn't even concerning.

I honestly don't get why she did that especially since they weren't things that mandated her "duty to report".

My therapist does this, too, and it drives me BONKERS.

When I lived in Boston (a city LOUSY with medical expertise) my shrinks would laugh at and disregard any of my parents'/ex-bfs' attempts to put in their 2 cents about my well-being: because they knew it was illegal to discuss my care with anyone besides me (barring plans to harm myself or others, of course).

In more rural towns, I don't know if HIPAA/patient confidentiality is considered a pesky formality. But, I've seen practitioners here really bow down to my parents because I they're footing the bill for the care.

I don't know. I have the same experience of my shrink filtering everything I say back to my folks & I hate it.