Hello first time posting, as of 2020 I've technically had 5 attempts at taking my life, I say technically as I the 1st was research and the third I wasn't even aware of until I was told about. My 5th attempt was this Wednesday just gone and the damn cable snapped on me apart from that everything went well. I'm sat here with the big question raging through my over thinking mind. Am I simply not meant to go cause there is something I'm supposed to be here for or am I just stupid and my methods are wrong. I'm confused and angry at my own failures, living in the UK makes it harder to find easier painless methods. I'm just ranting now if you've got this far I appreciate you taking time out of your life to read this.
ecmnesia
the only thing humans are equal in is death
- Aug 30, 2020
- 767
i am sorry that you've been through so much, having attempted so many times and failing must be absurdly frustrating.
maybe, dare I say, it's no that you are not meant to go, but rather, don't want to. maybe you want to escape the pain, but a little part of you, still wants to stay and kind of self-sabotage. maybe you are missing some details when planning your methods. either because you did not research enough, or was to distressed to notice it. that doesn't mean you are dumb, tho. cbt is way harder than it looks.
sending lots of hugs.
maybe, dare I say, it's no that you are not meant to go, but rather, don't want to. maybe you want to escape the pain, but a little part of you, still wants to stay and kind of self-sabotage. maybe you are missing some details when planning your methods. either because you did not research enough, or was to distressed to notice it. that doesn't mean you are dumb, tho. cbt is way harder than it looks.
sending lots of hugs.
flagmaster
Member
- Oct 19, 2020
- 53
I read everything you said. Welcome!
first of all, you're not stupid! You write very well and it can be difficult to overcome obstacles in regards to taking your own life. Things go wrong, it happens. But it doesent make you any less of a person if something doesent go to plan. Here, you are accepted for who you are. And the cable snapping probably isn't uncommon...I'm sure it happens quite a bit.
Perhaps things have failed because you have more to do here, perhaps not. That's for you to decide and it's your choice to make. Do you have more that you want to accomplish? Anything that you have not fulfilled? No matter what, you will find support here and you do not have to be alone on your journey through all of this.
Sending love.
first of all, you're not stupid! You write very well and it can be difficult to overcome obstacles in regards to taking your own life. Things go wrong, it happens. But it doesent make you any less of a person if something doesent go to plan. Here, you are accepted for who you are. And the cable snapping probably isn't uncommon...I'm sure it happens quite a bit.
Perhaps things have failed because you have more to do here, perhaps not. That's for you to decide and it's your choice to make. Do you have more that you want to accomplish? Anything that you have not fulfilled? No matter what, you will find support here and you do not have to be alone on your journey through all of this.
Sending love.
I appreciate the response, it is a hell of lot more difficult than I ever imagined it would be. You've given me some interesting things to think about, thank you for taking some time out of your day to answer my post.
Wow I'm so happy to have found this site, it normalises this subject were I can actually message and get support. Same to you thank you for taking time out of your day to read this and reply.
I would like you to believe that this happened for a reason (although I believe that it must have been difficult for you) and it's good that you're sharing your story with us. You aren't stupid for sure. Have you tried a professional therapy? Even if you did and you couldn't see any effects, maybe it wasn't the right person for you. You may not want to leave, in the end you've found this forum... ; )
Not quite sure my family would agree with that though I have told them I won't stop looking and trying.
I'm under 2 different mental health teams a CPN and a private counselling, but I always feel like 2 different people one that wants to leave this world and the other that wishes to just keep me safe.
antigone_iris
Wizard
- Oct 25, 2020
- 651
Hello and welcome to the forum! You're not stupid. You're brave for sharing your story. I also feel like I'm two different people, one who wants to leave and the other who wants to stay. It helps me to take distance from this kind of inner conflict. I'm trying to get to know myself better and to create tangible things.
Please ignore the trolls. There are many great people and informative threads here. I hope you'll find what you're looking for.
It's nice to be at a place where other people get it, so many around me don't get it like you all on this forum.Hello and welcome to the forum! You're not stupid. You're brave for sharing your story. I also feel like I'm two different people, one who wants to leave and the other who wants to stay. It helps me to take distance from this kind of inner conflict. I'm trying to get to know myself better and to create tangible things.
Please ignore the trolls. There are many great people and informative threads here. I hope you'll find what you're looking for.
woxihuanni
Illuminated
- Aug 19, 2019
- 3,299
When things are done correctly, give or take some trial and error, there is no reason it shouldn't give desired results. It is fine to want to stay, not so fine to feel forced to stay assuming fate, punishment, etc.
Honetly I've asked myself that question so many times, if I'm unable to leave am I here just to continue suffering.
woxihuanni
Illuminated
- Aug 19, 2019
- 3,299
No, nobody is obliged to suffer. It is not meant, necessary or right. Unless, of course, you can stay without suffering to an unacceptable degree. Something only you can decide.
It's so frustrating though as the 5 attempts just makes me laugh harder at myself, I can't even end my life properly. Wish I lived in USA
Lilacmoon
Beautiful moon, take me away.
- Sep 23, 2020
- 1,308
many people fail. many multiple times. some more than 5 attempts. everyone will one day pass on. some may just have more attempts than others. this is not evidence that you are stupid, frankly, it has little bearing on your intellgience at all.
i hope you do what is best for you. please don't dwell too much on the pain of failed attempts. you have enough pain in your life already.
i hope you do what is best for you. please don't dwell too much on the pain of failed attempts. you have enough pain in your life already.
If I could stop my mind from dwelling on things if I could stop over thinking If I knew how to be happy or have the motivation to do anything then I might not be on this site at all though I really don't want a 6th attempt go wrong especially since I only just got away with no one knowing about the 5th attempt. Family thought I was ill with a sore throat.
Lilacmoon
Beautiful moon, take me away.
- Sep 23, 2020
- 1,308
here, have a hug. intrusive thoughts are difficult to combat.
no one wants an attempt to go wrong. my advice is to make sure to plan out every detail to the each dotted i and crossed t. be calm and not impulsive.
but my advice does not count for much considering i am still trapped here as well.
no one wants an attempt to go wrong. my advice is to make sure to plan out every detail to the each dotted i and crossed t. be calm and not impulsive.
but my advice does not count for much considering i am still trapped here as well.
sadworld
existence is a nightmare
- Aug 25, 2020
- 3,870
It feels like a prison we are not supposed to escape from. I wish you more luck with your future attempts! Plan it out better and don't be impulsive and I'm sure it will work! Hugs
