Rhaiyne
"To be - or not to be.... That is the question"
- Jul 4, 2021
- 107
Well... I though I was just about getting all my ducks in a row... then realised... I don't actually have any ducks... and if I did, why would I want to put them in a row anyway...). Okay... where was I... right... I have had suicidal thoughts for a while... they don't seem to just vanish... merely the intensity of them differs.
I have made a serious attempt in the past and one not so brilliantly, well thought out (ducks in a row....ooohhhh... thats why they need to be in a row...hhmmm *makes note*) manoeuvre. However, I am constantly plagued by thoughts.
I have been in therapy for a couple of months and I do have to say... my therapist is good... actually listens, actually uses the word suicide... who would have thought? Anyway...its become a bit clear that i have some unfinished family situations from my... "once upon time" days. Anyway, she suggested I try write a letter to the person- not for them to actually have the letter but more as an exercise for me. Anyway, like a diligent Client... I tried doing this. Funny thing is... what transpired were rumblings... not of hunger... but of anger... anger I thought had been *dealt with*... buried deep. So I stopped writing. However, on reflection it has made me realise (and perhaps I'm an extremely late bloomer... or blooper, whichever takes your fancy within this context) that I didn't want to feel that anger or any of the emotions that came with that time in my life and the times after it due to that, if you know what I mean. I don't want to feel all the negativity that has been passed into me by my everlasting father (ummm.. no I don't have daddy issues...!! Hahaha). I realised I don't want to feel that as it is residual him really and I thought I was living a life to NOT be anything like him, yet here I am... still having emotions that he had. Really shitty ones! When i go, I want to go because that's what I choose. I want to go without the baggage passed down to me. I want to go feeling light... not weighed down by anything except only those choices I have made in my adulthood that I knew were wrong. And here's the thing... he's died now and I'm terrified that there may actually be a hell and I end up back in the same place as him! Hahahaha... so, with all this I mind... how do I overcome my excuses... stop rationalising...that I must be decent as I can't possibly be like him.... perhaos I am all the things he has always told me I am... which truth do I know the be truth... his truth... my truth... both truths to individuals... yet one is wrong...
When my thoughts and feelings align... then I will know its time.
How do I get them aligned? Does it actually matter if if ctb and they areinto aligned?
I have made a serious attempt in the past and one not so brilliantly, well thought out (ducks in a row....ooohhhh... thats why they need to be in a row...hhmmm *makes note*) manoeuvre. However, I am constantly plagued by thoughts.
I have been in therapy for a couple of months and I do have to say... my therapist is good... actually listens, actually uses the word suicide... who would have thought? Anyway...its become a bit clear that i have some unfinished family situations from my... "once upon time" days. Anyway, she suggested I try write a letter to the person- not for them to actually have the letter but more as an exercise for me. Anyway, like a diligent Client... I tried doing this. Funny thing is... what transpired were rumblings... not of hunger... but of anger... anger I thought had been *dealt with*... buried deep. So I stopped writing. However, on reflection it has made me realise (and perhaps I'm an extremely late bloomer... or blooper, whichever takes your fancy within this context) that I didn't want to feel that anger or any of the emotions that came with that time in my life and the times after it due to that, if you know what I mean. I don't want to feel all the negativity that has been passed into me by my everlasting father (ummm.. no I don't have daddy issues...!! Hahaha). I realised I don't want to feel that as it is residual him really and I thought I was living a life to NOT be anything like him, yet here I am... still having emotions that he had. Really shitty ones! When i go, I want to go because that's what I choose. I want to go without the baggage passed down to me. I want to go feeling light... not weighed down by anything except only those choices I have made in my adulthood that I knew were wrong. And here's the thing... he's died now and I'm terrified that there may actually be a hell and I end up back in the same place as him! Hahahaha... so, with all this I mind... how do I overcome my excuses... stop rationalising...that I must be decent as I can't possibly be like him.... perhaos I am all the things he has always told me I am... which truth do I know the be truth... his truth... my truth... both truths to individuals... yet one is wrong...
When my thoughts and feelings align... then I will know its time.
How do I get them aligned? Does it actually matter if if ctb and they areinto aligned?
Last edited: