Discussion Am I dealing with burnout

[Thatdude]

To be short, I set a date of 2020 at the latest. I could do it sooner. But if my life doesn't get better by a good bit, then I'm out. I know one of the things I must have is money if I want a stable life. I tried a number of options in the past, and none have worked out for me so far. I haven't worked for anyone in maybe 8 years now. Most of the 8 years I've been in school working on my last degree (which I got done late last year), and it put a serious number on me.

Anyways because I know I need money, i started looking for jobs in the local area through indeed. I found some I could do, but none of it pays hardly anything (but vastly more than what I make now from my personal projects). Many of the jobs have a required 8 to 12 hour days. By the 2nd job my anxiety shot through the roof. The realization that I will be stuck doing something like that for 30 years or more skyrocketed that. And the realization that I had a horrible time keeping a job in the past didn't help.

Without getting into detail maybe 11 months back I told my parents (who I live with and I'm in my early 30s) about this. They said it was most likely I gotten burned out due to school. Like statistically speaking I shouldn't of been able to pass HS, let alone college. (I'm autistic) And I know this last degree did a bit of damage. But I'm wondering if it is still burn out. I think it has been 10 or 11 months since I was in a class.

Like the last time I had a real job every day I wanted to drive my car into a tree, and I was fired before I could figure out a way to make it look like a freak accident.
Like right now I know without a good amount of money. I will end up living on the streets sooner or later. So if I can't realistically see my life being better then I will off myself. But just looking up local jobs ended up me looking up the price of a Desert Eagle to blow my brains out.

Right now I'm trying to kick back up my YouTube stuff. I'm not finding extreme success, but more now that I'm tying gaming with my tech how-to stuff. Like more being still not enough to make a living, but I wonder if maybe I keep doing this.
I'm also trying to license product ideas to companies, but I haven't gotten any interest yet. I'm also trying to sell 3d prints.

Does anyone have any idea what is going on? Like I feel like I'm in a catch 22. With nothing so far being a success, I need to take a real job. But just the thought of me taking on a real job makes me more favorable to offing myself by far.

What is worse is some of these jobs I can't say I don't qualify.

 

[Thatdude]

Something that I worry about is this isn't burnout. This is something that time itself can't heal. Where I will just have to do it and risk the simple act of me going to a normal job will make me suicidal. But part of me is thinking this isn't my normal. It wasn't but maybe a good 15 months when I tried hard to get a job. And there was a number of time I at least applied. But now just going to indeed I feel like throwing up

I talked with my parents about maybe starting a farm since they are talking about buying land. If this ever becomes a thing, idk how it will play out. Like I worry that I won't be functional through most of it. As I'm obviously not now if I did get a normal job. (this is why I was hoping the license thing would take off. Designing takes me not that long, and it appears 99% of the work is in just getting a company to want to license it. Which means outside of phone calls once in a while, trying to make the pitch material, and emails getting companies to buy in. I can for the most part fuck off and any depression, anxiety, etc won't be an issue. Like of course I will need to license multiple products a year. But I enjoy the creative process in CAD. And I believe since I can control my own time to a high degree. I think my anxiety about this will vanished if I can see myself being financially stable doing this. Like if I at least gotten 1 deal to get me started.

But of course, it feels like that won't happen since nothing I did in the past worked out.

Oh, one thing I forgot to mention is it had been 8 years since I had a real job and maybe 9 since I had a job which I held for a while. Idk if this is playing a role