Hello all, from the uk here. Only 22 years old. Pretty much just want to explain my situation and get some insights, from an outside perspective I can see how "little" my problems may seem compared to some if not all of the problems faced by others on this forum. Up until 3 and a half months ago life was good, very good infact. For the last 2 years I'd pretty much been in the same routine day to day (gym in the morning Monday to Friday, then off to work (nhs) before getting back at about 7pm, food, eat and enjoy a bit of tv before bed. I was very organised, meal prep etc, and lived for the small things (most weekends I'd do nothing but enjoy my own company, occasionally game, occasionally go out for food or cinema with friends, wasn't a massive drinker but that's probably down to my fitness regime).
I've been a gym going properly for about 4/5 years, for the first few years I loved it, for the last 2 it was more of a habit, which worked for me because I could go before starting work at 11am (wouldn't be doing anything before work anyway). I started to bulk half way through last year which I grew to hate, could eat whatever food I liked but it was tough, forcing food down a lot of the time just to get calories in, constantly spending my weekend meal prepping, wouldn't go out without worrying about food etc, a bit OCD like but I suppose anyone training serious to gain muscle is like that. At the start of this year I decided to start cutting (in gym terms, loose fat and maintain as much muscle as possible inab deficit) and I loved it, very strong minded so didn't need to worry about binging on bad food, could eat the same food each day without care, and I'd made it so easy in the last few months (March till June) that I completely eliminated food prep (the food id take to work would be like a protein flapjack from a site I get protein powder from, a protein yogurt from the super market, a tin of beans or tuna for dinner and another protein shake before heading home as having my tea (usually steak with steamed potatoes and brocilli). I was enjoying how much more time I got out f life and loved the feeling of being hungry again which I hadn't had when bulking Cos constantly eating.
Also this year up until June was bumpy within my own mental space, Christmas last year I felt pretty down as the year before I was in a relationship (which I ended as she was a bad person, and wouldn't take back even after her promising to change, only for her to actually change and be an amazing girlfriend for a new guy, ah well) but yanno just felt lonely for a bit, everything in my life was pretty much the same but I'd gotten a bit bored, a bit jealous of others around me in relationships.
In May I met a girl and it was great, it gave me such a boost, and I'd felt a lot happier than I had in a long time. However I soon realised she wasn't the right person for me; I like my own space, and being up for the gym at 8 in the morning and getting home from work at 7, sometimes I'd just want to watch tv or do my own thing at night (always been that way) and she'd kinda always pressure to see me (she hated being at home and stuff so I kinda felt bad saying no) but it started taking its toll on me, stressing me a bit, and after other things that kinda confirmed we weren't meant for each other, I ended it.
After that, I was finally the happiest I'd been in a long time, I had the body I wanted (actually looked in the mirror and thought this is all I need bodywise, don't need no more, don't want to look better etc) and mentally I felt strong as I'd come to realise I was happy on my own, the one thing that would get me down from time to time.
Then came the holiday in July, 2 weeks away in Jamaica with my mum, sister and niece. I was looking forward to a break (2 weeks from gym and work, worked could be stress and the time away from the gym gives me motivation to go Back). In hindsite I should have just stayed at home and enjoyed 2 weeks doing my own thing.
Anyway, about 5 years ago I had a bout of insomnia caused by an argument with a girlfriend which kept me up all night as I was too irritated to sleep, was normal the next few days and then suddenly after a normal day and night, I lay in bed for 7 hours until my alarm, without a wink. I started panicking (my exams are coming up, how can I revise on no sleep, how can I go gym when my body isn't getting sleep to recover etc, i was studying pshycology and biology a levels as well as sport so knew the effects of not sleeping which didn't help, I overthink a lot anyway), went doctors who prescribed a low dose of anti depressant to try and calm me before bed (as it was my worry of not sleeping which was now keeping me awake, viscous cycle). It didn't work so I looked into sleep hygiene, got up at the same time each morning regardless of how much sleep, in bed same time each night, no phone or tv before bed, and within 2 months I was back to normal, although followed by about a year If being a control freak about my sleep (would get anxious and irritated if not I'm bed before 23:30, wouldn't go out if I couldn't get home for this time, struggled to sleep in the same bed as my girlfriend so slept on the sofa most nights causing arguments). Eventually it all just went back to normal, I would sleep normal, go bed at whatever time I liked, could watch tv to chill before bed or whatever. Sometimes had nights where it would take me a while to get off (overactive mind or too warm) and it would worry me a little about the next night but I could put precautions in place to give me the best chance of sleep, and it worked)
Anyway, my mum snores, loud, very loud, factory machine level loud , was kinda worried but I had my ear plugs (as I need silence to sleep, i wear them at home and idek if it's the silence or placebo but I have to have them in.
first night into the holiday I don't sleep a wink, she's too loud. I start to panic, this isn't a one off, I'm stuck in this room for 2 weeks with her, when I go back home I'm back in work and gym, what if I get into the habit of not sleeping, what if it all starts again, when I'd finally gotten to the happiest I've ever been? After a bit of a breakdown I convinced myself the next night would be different and went about my day.
It wasn't, and I started getting worse, I couldn't enjoy the holiday ( the hotel was lovely but stressful, long waits for food, too hot in restaraunts, too hot anyway and I'm not great with heat lol), so my sleep was non existent, I was struggling to eat which started worrying me as well, I mean I'd finally gotten the body I wanted, I didn't want t negatively effect it.
It got to the point that after a week I'd booked a flight to come home early (was only £100, however I'd wasted £2000 on the homiday). I came home, didn't try to sleep he first day as landed at 9am, so stayed up until that night and had a lovely sleep, woke up feeling great, relieved, back to myself and productive.
Did a food shop and was eating normally again, everything was okay apart from a bit of boredom, I still had a week off work and gym but didn't have anything planned as I was supposed to be on homiday, maybe I was annoyed about coming home early which stopped me from enjoying things.
Then the horror of getting into bed the following night and not sleeping, and the night after, it was a disaster, I thought it was starting again, my sleep thing, and I was, and I didn't have the means if dealing with it again because I knew what it did to me all those years ago. It sent me into a downward spiral, I've not been gym in 3 months, I've lost the body I had and I knew I never really had the motivation to lose it and get it back, Hence why I'd mever be out of the gym long enough for that to happen. I wasn't sleeping, and things had gotten so bad that my mum toook me doctors, who tried to give me anti depressAnts. I was in shock, how could my life go from so perfect to so horrible I'm such a short Space of time. It started affecting work, in which I got signed off twice (which I didn't want to do in the first place, never had a day off sick in my life, my immune system is pretty much perfect and I can work with a cold). Everything was falling apart so I decided to take the medication I had been prescribed. It got worse, pacing up and down and crying at home constantly. Was it the medication, was it because I'd been taken out of work, was it because as each day went on, the more of that body I loved dissapeared, and I felt like I was getting crazier and crazier (I still wasn't sleeping great so maybe sleep deprivation).
I mean I'm anti medication anyway where anti depressants are concerned, too many groups which act on too many different "chemicals" for the chemical imbalance theory to hold any worth. They can't study it, it's trail and error, something I didn't have time for. I didn't even want to know what that shit could do to my brain, but I'm an over thinker and I looked it up and googled and found all these bad stories, one stuck with me (anti depressants saved my life, but they made my mental health worse). I didn't want medication, but I caved and went back to the Doctors (well my mum forced me) who put me on mirtazapine to help me sleep. And it did, but my mood still dwindled "what if I become dependant in these pills now just to sleep" as well as wondering what the fuck it'll do to me.
Everything has just spiralled and spiralled, the only way out I see is going back in time before the holiday, or dying.
Each day is torture, I can tell you all of the things I'd be enjoying right now if it wasn't for this. I was looking forward to coming back off the holiday and not having to be on a diet or worry about eating enough and just letting that take a back seat and enjoy things.
Each new series I see advertised which I was looking forward too, each game I see advertised that I'd want to play, hurts more and more and makes me wish I could go back. I'm the type of person who needs things in order to be okay, and nothing is. I don't like the gym enough to attempt to get that body back, my body aches so much (probs due to inactivity) and I'm so weak that it'll be like starting from scratch, something I would hate.
I'm not helping myself and I struggle to accept the help, I'm being given appointments with psychiatrist, having a home crisis team visit, my mum has taken me a&e 3 times as she no longer knows how to deal with me. I was a strong minded person, I understood mental health and I had my good and bad phases I guess (nothing clinical, just sometimes I'd feel a bit low or bored) but I never imagined this happening.
All because of holiday. If I didn't go, this wouldn't have happened, I didn't even need a holiday abroad, I should have stayed at home in my own bed without any noise, and I'd be the happiest version of myself I've ever been right about now.
I'm a short guy so my muscle had always kinda gave me confidence, my hair was slowly thinning which I didn't like but I could manage, this situation has made it so thin (and my hair was probably one of the only things actively bothering me before all this). I proper let myself go, even my teeth have been impacted. If this hadn't happened none of that would be an issue, I just want to go back in time and I can't, and going forward is too painful knowing how easily it could have been avoided, to the point where I think I'd rather die now. I won't be able to enjoy any of the things I enjoy until I'm back to exactly where I was both physically and mentally before the holiday, and idk how long that will take or if it's even possible. But before all this my life was a perfect balance of stress and relief and without the relief idek it I can cope with it, I really just don't want to wake up anymore, I can't get better, I just want to go back in time, how am I supposed to think otherwise.
I never needed help from anyone, I had my ups and downs but I was always fine, I was my own person and this has effected everything
My mother suffers with an anxiety disorder, my dad suffers from borderline schizophrenia and depression. I've always been fine, maybe this holiday and experience has triggered something in my head that can't be reversed and I'm so terrified because I just want to be that guy I was before all this. What kind of life can I lead now, how will I even cope when things get really tough, life only gets harder from here and all I wanted to do was enjoy the rest of this year with what I'd already achieved for a while, and that's been stolen from me, all these months have been stolen. I really don't want this life.
I've been a gym going properly for about 4/5 years, for the first few years I loved it, for the last 2 it was more of a habit, which worked for me because I could go before starting work at 11am (wouldn't be doing anything before work anyway). I started to bulk half way through last year which I grew to hate, could eat whatever food I liked but it was tough, forcing food down a lot of the time just to get calories in, constantly spending my weekend meal prepping, wouldn't go out without worrying about food etc, a bit OCD like but I suppose anyone training serious to gain muscle is like that. At the start of this year I decided to start cutting (in gym terms, loose fat and maintain as much muscle as possible inab deficit) and I loved it, very strong minded so didn't need to worry about binging on bad food, could eat the same food each day without care, and I'd made it so easy in the last few months (March till June) that I completely eliminated food prep (the food id take to work would be like a protein flapjack from a site I get protein powder from, a protein yogurt from the super market, a tin of beans or tuna for dinner and another protein shake before heading home as having my tea (usually steak with steamed potatoes and brocilli). I was enjoying how much more time I got out f life and loved the feeling of being hungry again which I hadn't had when bulking Cos constantly eating.
Also this year up until June was bumpy within my own mental space, Christmas last year I felt pretty down as the year before I was in a relationship (which I ended as she was a bad person, and wouldn't take back even after her promising to change, only for her to actually change and be an amazing girlfriend for a new guy, ah well) but yanno just felt lonely for a bit, everything in my life was pretty much the same but I'd gotten a bit bored, a bit jealous of others around me in relationships.
In May I met a girl and it was great, it gave me such a boost, and I'd felt a lot happier than I had in a long time. However I soon realised she wasn't the right person for me; I like my own space, and being up for the gym at 8 in the morning and getting home from work at 7, sometimes I'd just want to watch tv or do my own thing at night (always been that way) and she'd kinda always pressure to see me (she hated being at home and stuff so I kinda felt bad saying no) but it started taking its toll on me, stressing me a bit, and after other things that kinda confirmed we weren't meant for each other, I ended it.
After that, I was finally the happiest I'd been in a long time, I had the body I wanted (actually looked in the mirror and thought this is all I need bodywise, don't need no more, don't want to look better etc) and mentally I felt strong as I'd come to realise I was happy on my own, the one thing that would get me down from time to time.
Then came the holiday in July, 2 weeks away in Jamaica with my mum, sister and niece. I was looking forward to a break (2 weeks from gym and work, worked could be stress and the time away from the gym gives me motivation to go Back). In hindsite I should have just stayed at home and enjoyed 2 weeks doing my own thing.
Anyway, about 5 years ago I had a bout of insomnia caused by an argument with a girlfriend which kept me up all night as I was too irritated to sleep, was normal the next few days and then suddenly after a normal day and night, I lay in bed for 7 hours until my alarm, without a wink. I started panicking (my exams are coming up, how can I revise on no sleep, how can I go gym when my body isn't getting sleep to recover etc, i was studying pshycology and biology a levels as well as sport so knew the effects of not sleeping which didn't help, I overthink a lot anyway), went doctors who prescribed a low dose of anti depressant to try and calm me before bed (as it was my worry of not sleeping which was now keeping me awake, viscous cycle). It didn't work so I looked into sleep hygiene, got up at the same time each morning regardless of how much sleep, in bed same time each night, no phone or tv before bed, and within 2 months I was back to normal, although followed by about a year If being a control freak about my sleep (would get anxious and irritated if not I'm bed before 23:30, wouldn't go out if I couldn't get home for this time, struggled to sleep in the same bed as my girlfriend so slept on the sofa most nights causing arguments). Eventually it all just went back to normal, I would sleep normal, go bed at whatever time I liked, could watch tv to chill before bed or whatever. Sometimes had nights where it would take me a while to get off (overactive mind or too warm) and it would worry me a little about the next night but I could put precautions in place to give me the best chance of sleep, and it worked)
Anyway, my mum snores, loud, very loud, factory machine level loud , was kinda worried but I had my ear plugs (as I need silence to sleep, i wear them at home and idek if it's the silence or placebo but I have to have them in.
first night into the holiday I don't sleep a wink, she's too loud. I start to panic, this isn't a one off, I'm stuck in this room for 2 weeks with her, when I go back home I'm back in work and gym, what if I get into the habit of not sleeping, what if it all starts again, when I'd finally gotten to the happiest I've ever been? After a bit of a breakdown I convinced myself the next night would be different and went about my day.
It wasn't, and I started getting worse, I couldn't enjoy the holiday ( the hotel was lovely but stressful, long waits for food, too hot in restaraunts, too hot anyway and I'm not great with heat lol), so my sleep was non existent, I was struggling to eat which started worrying me as well, I mean I'd finally gotten the body I wanted, I didn't want t negatively effect it.
It got to the point that after a week I'd booked a flight to come home early (was only £100, however I'd wasted £2000 on the homiday). I came home, didn't try to sleep he first day as landed at 9am, so stayed up until that night and had a lovely sleep, woke up feeling great, relieved, back to myself and productive.
Did a food shop and was eating normally again, everything was okay apart from a bit of boredom, I still had a week off work and gym but didn't have anything planned as I was supposed to be on homiday, maybe I was annoyed about coming home early which stopped me from enjoying things.
Then the horror of getting into bed the following night and not sleeping, and the night after, it was a disaster, I thought it was starting again, my sleep thing, and I was, and I didn't have the means if dealing with it again because I knew what it did to me all those years ago. It sent me into a downward spiral, I've not been gym in 3 months, I've lost the body I had and I knew I never really had the motivation to lose it and get it back, Hence why I'd mever be out of the gym long enough for that to happen. I wasn't sleeping, and things had gotten so bad that my mum toook me doctors, who tried to give me anti depressAnts. I was in shock, how could my life go from so perfect to so horrible I'm such a short Space of time. It started affecting work, in which I got signed off twice (which I didn't want to do in the first place, never had a day off sick in my life, my immune system is pretty much perfect and I can work with a cold). Everything was falling apart so I decided to take the medication I had been prescribed. It got worse, pacing up and down and crying at home constantly. Was it the medication, was it because I'd been taken out of work, was it because as each day went on, the more of that body I loved dissapeared, and I felt like I was getting crazier and crazier (I still wasn't sleeping great so maybe sleep deprivation).
I mean I'm anti medication anyway where anti depressants are concerned, too many groups which act on too many different "chemicals" for the chemical imbalance theory to hold any worth. They can't study it, it's trail and error, something I didn't have time for. I didn't even want to know what that shit could do to my brain, but I'm an over thinker and I looked it up and googled and found all these bad stories, one stuck with me (anti depressants saved my life, but they made my mental health worse). I didn't want medication, but I caved and went back to the Doctors (well my mum forced me) who put me on mirtazapine to help me sleep. And it did, but my mood still dwindled "what if I become dependant in these pills now just to sleep" as well as wondering what the fuck it'll do to me.
Everything has just spiralled and spiralled, the only way out I see is going back in time before the holiday, or dying.
Each day is torture, I can tell you all of the things I'd be enjoying right now if it wasn't for this. I was looking forward to coming back off the holiday and not having to be on a diet or worry about eating enough and just letting that take a back seat and enjoy things.
Each new series I see advertised which I was looking forward too, each game I see advertised that I'd want to play, hurts more and more and makes me wish I could go back. I'm the type of person who needs things in order to be okay, and nothing is. I don't like the gym enough to attempt to get that body back, my body aches so much (probs due to inactivity) and I'm so weak that it'll be like starting from scratch, something I would hate.
I'm not helping myself and I struggle to accept the help, I'm being given appointments with psychiatrist, having a home crisis team visit, my mum has taken me a&e 3 times as she no longer knows how to deal with me. I was a strong minded person, I understood mental health and I had my good and bad phases I guess (nothing clinical, just sometimes I'd feel a bit low or bored) but I never imagined this happening.
All because of holiday. If I didn't go, this wouldn't have happened, I didn't even need a holiday abroad, I should have stayed at home in my own bed without any noise, and I'd be the happiest version of myself I've ever been right about now.
I'm a short guy so my muscle had always kinda gave me confidence, my hair was slowly thinning which I didn't like but I could manage, this situation has made it so thin (and my hair was probably one of the only things actively bothering me before all this). I proper let myself go, even my teeth have been impacted. If this hadn't happened none of that would be an issue, I just want to go back in time and I can't, and going forward is too painful knowing how easily it could have been avoided, to the point where I think I'd rather die now. I won't be able to enjoy any of the things I enjoy until I'm back to exactly where I was both physically and mentally before the holiday, and idk how long that will take or if it's even possible. But before all this my life was a perfect balance of stress and relief and without the relief idek it I can cope with it, I really just don't want to wake up anymore, I can't get better, I just want to go back in time, how am I supposed to think otherwise.
I never needed help from anyone, I had my ups and downs but I was always fine, I was my own person and this has effected everything
My mother suffers with an anxiety disorder, my dad suffers from borderline schizophrenia and depression. I've always been fine, maybe this holiday and experience has triggered something in my head that can't be reversed and I'm so terrified because I just want to be that guy I was before all this. What kind of life can I lead now, how will I even cope when things get really tough, life only gets harder from here and all I wanted to do was enjoy the rest of this year with what I'd already achieved for a while, and that's been stolen from me, all these months have been stolen. I really don't want this life.
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