Help Am I being groomed by my former HS teacher?

[shelaysdown]

I graduated from high school last spring.

Throughout my highschool years I had been close with my art teacher - he had a very informal style of teaching and me and him sort of developed a rapport and a connection from spending so much time together. During my spare blocks, I would just hang out in his room. He never objected to it, and sometimes he'd come to visit me in my other classes.
I loved when he was there, it made my heart happy.

I moved to a different city after graduation, partly to get some distance from him (I worried I had an unhealthy attachment to him). He has an Instagram account where he posts artwork from school.
He messaged me a few weeks ago and we started talking. We started messaging so frequently that we'd just talk all day. The topic sometimes includes sexual jokes and crude things, but he's never expressed sexual interest in me. I'm visiting home for Christmas break and he keeps messaging me wanting to make plans. He keeps saying he'll buy me a drink now that I'm of legal age.
Is it wrong to meet him? Is it wrong that I'm okay with this all? There is a lot more to it but I'm trying to be concise. Is it acceptable?

 

[the_path_of_sorrows]

Since you're both adults, that's acceptable. Sounds like you truly want for this to happen, so, go for it. Just, please, think of the consequences & pros n cons first. Talking from experience, men are scary, especially when drunk. Think if you are truly up for that whole meeting up thing, it might be that you two will become just close friends, but the cynical me would laugh at the naivety.

Be careful, don't let your guard down and you'll be just fine.

 

[soonatpeace777888]

I mean he is clearly sexually interested in you. It's your choice because you are of legal age but do not read anything more into this than he probably wants to sleep with a younger woman. It's really weird he would come visit you in other classes before you were of age though, could certainly count as grooming.

 

[shelaysdown]

Since you're both adults, that's acceptable. Sounds like you truly want for this to happen, so, go for it. Just, please, think of the consequences & pros n cons first. Talking from experience, men are scary, especially when drunk. Think if you are truly up for that whole meeting up thing, it might be that you two will become just close friends, but the cynical me would laugh at the naivety.

Be careful, don't let your guard down and you'll be just fine.

Thanks! that is reassuring. fingers crossed that we can be friends… but we will see.

 

[Fulminare]

Opinions will vary on this, but I definitely see it as grooming. He watched you grow from a child into an adult and now wants to have a more sexual relationship? Not to mention the age gap. And that he was your teacher?? Yeah no, I'd be out of there. But like soonatpeace said, you're an adult now and need to listen how you feel about this yourself. Although I highly recommend moving on from that man. There's a reason why he's going after a woman your age

 

[cursedcure]

if it feels wrong it's wrong, follow ur gut and stay safe

 

[CeramicPundit]

Stay safe. Keep your guard up. Most importantly, stay in control and do what you feel is right.

 

[SexyIncél]

Is it wrong to meet him? Is it wrong that I'm okay with this all? There is a lot more to it but I'm trying to be concise. Is it acceptable?

It's cool you're okay with it all. The fundamentals stay the same (despite everyone's fleeting opinions): watch for yellow & red flags

Does he treat you respectfully? What are your goals? Are you cool sleeping together? Can you guard your heart, so if he just wanted a quick passionate fling, you'll still come out ahead & learn more about people?

All people pose potential problems. Your art teacher, the 16 year old who flirted with you, the guy at the carwash, your lesbian friend... It's always a roll of the dice. No one's perfect, nor should they be. It might help to have an unbiased level-headed male friend, who knows how guys think & can look at his communications. To notice things that might not be obvious to you

One benefit: you have power over him. If he acts cruelly, that won't be good for his career. Of course, you should only pull out that trump card if he's seriously awful

Since you earlier mentioned feeling unlovable, this could be nice practice at least. If you pursue this, I hope it works out well for you! Hope you keep us informed

 

[dreamingofrest]

I think that if you're asking if it's grooming there's a good chance that it is. I don't know how old he is, or how old you were when you two met, but I personally don't think that having been your teacher its appropriate for him to try for a romantic/sexual relationship with you (if that's what he's intending, which it seems like he is).
Are you interested in him romantically/sexually? I'd stay careful around any contact you have with him if you just want him as a mentor/friend.
At the end of the day, it's obviously your choice, I'm glad you're at least thinking a lot about this and looking for advice. Is there anyone in your life who knows about this, someone you could talk to?

 

[Celerity]

How much older is he than you? If you are attracted to him and want him, I'd say go for it. Now that you are an adult, there wouldn't be anything wrong with it. It's not like you were close when you were growing up as little kid.

 

[just dave]

It sounds like he was into you when you were younger but couldn't act and now that you're of age he feels he can try.
Both of you ARE adults, but I would keep my distance as this behaviour is on a level of creepy I can't get behind.

If for some reason you decide to go see how it goes, keep your guard up and make sure you don't drink too much. Maybe one drink and sip it for the whole encounter, or suggest coffee instead.

Be well

 

[Kit1]

This is grooming and actually illegal as the grooming started and he was/is in a position of trust. Just sounds like a very unhealthy and dangerous relationship given the years of grooming involved and how it has been carried out against you as a child. In my spare time, I have done a lot of training and work around grooming, child sexual abuse, rape, assault etc - still do this some of the time and your story sounds too familiar. Please don't fall for this trap as he is in a position of trust who is essentially breaching all protecting and safeguarding protocols for his own desires and wants.

I am sorry if I am overstepping my mark with this advice, but I listen to and support people whose innocence and lives have been destroyed after being subjected yo this form of abuse.

Happy to chat if you would to talk through it. Please take care.

 

[Fulminare]

This is grooming and actually illegal as the grooming started and he was/is in a position of trust. Just sounds like a very unhealthy and dangerous relationship given the years of grooming involved and how it has been carried out against you as a child. In my spare time, I have done a lot of training and work around grooming, child sexual abuse, rape, assault etc - still do this some of the time and your story sounds too familiar. Please don't fall for this trap as he is in a position of trust who is essentially breaching all protecting and safeguarding protocols for his own desires and wants.

I am sorry if I am overstepping my mark with this advice, but I listen to and support people whose innocence and lives have been destroyed after being subjected yo this form of abuse.

Happy to chat if you would to talk through it. Please take care.

I agree with this so much. I've also been groomed by multiple different people in my teenage hood and it was similar to your story, shelaysdown. Also, if you're already wondering if he's grooming you or not then he most likely his. Drop this man, seriously.

 

[Nigh]

I can't believe people are telling you to go for it. This sounds so much like grooming to me. Also, the fact that you say, you moved to another city to partly get away from him, says it all. You know something isn't right and you need to trust your instints.

 

[casual_existence]

Don't do it. I realize it may be tough to be alone. And a lot of people suck but I can assure you that some teacher who was "cool" is not worth it. Be very careful when contacting him (don't) since he might find a way to manipulate you. Some people are very good at manipulation. After all manipulation is a skill like any other. I wish it was not the case that people suck but really most people hurt other people because they themselves were hurt. There's exceptions like sociopaths but in general that's how it goes. I think I read a forum post on here where a girl was used by some guys on this very forum so yeah shitty people are everywhere.

 

[Worndown]

There is a fine line between friendship and grooming. It sounds like he stayed on the safe side when you were in school.
If you meet him and you are not happy with the outcome, you loose a friend.
Your choice but know how it may play out.

 

[Old Friend]

When it comes to over 18s, there is no fine line. You have agency. If you're not interested, say "no". If he doesn't take no for an answer, then we're in different territory.

 

[Brokensaddle]

Block and report straight away, he's older than you and was in position of power and trust over you. He's now taking advantage and acting like a predator. Would you interact with this man if wasn't your teacher?

 

[Kit1]

Block and report straight away, he's older than you and was in position of power and trust over you. He's now taking advantage and acting like a predator. Would you interact with this man if wasn't your teacher?

Agreed. This is psychologically unsafe and illegal. Sexual jokes with a student etc.., That is grooming over and over - not friendship. Seeking a student out, a lot of predatory behaviour right from the beginning.

 

[NumbItAll]

It would be naïve to think that he just wants a friendship. Almost certainly he wants sex. Whether you want to pursue that is up to you. Doesn't sound like a good idea to me considering your reservations.

I mean he is clearly sexually interested in you. It's your choice because you are of legal age but do not read anything more into this than he probably wants to sleep with a younger woman. It's really weird he would come visit you in other classes before you were of age though, could certainly count as grooming.

This exactly.

 

[SexyIncél]

I can't believe people are telling you to go for it.

Are you curious why? If so, let me explain my reasoning at least

I can see that lots of commenters here suffered massively, and thus are risk-averse. Many don't even leave their room; suffer from all sorts of mental illnesses

But so far, this art teacher conducted himself kindly, and our dear OP may be the only one with the "unhealthy attachment". While we're here for OPs, we also quietly know that they're often biased, leave things out, or even make things up. For all we know, if we could actually surveil them, maybe she flirted hard with a lonely widower who was just a damn dedicated teacher! Or maybe he's a cannibal who likes bad reality tv

But of course, we must respect them and offer our best advice when they ask

For that reason, I personally found it best to give general advice that helps anyone, boy or girl, ages 10-100. There's always risk when interacting with fellow humans, regardless if he's black or white, male or female, etc. We learn math in school, but not morality. Lots of broken hearts here; friendly teachers didn't break them all

And what is the real risk analysis here? Using his mind-control powers of... being a supportive teacher who lets lonely-seeming people sit in his room... what are the downsides? What are the upsides?

And notice that we're on a suicide forum. Everyone thinks we're the evil creeps. He has more reason to be horrified by us. What's most people's risk analysis of us? That you come here, you die. And guess what, we all know a bunch of people who indeed died here

Now I understand the OP hasn't given us all the info. That's why I think she should share the details with a trustworthy, levelheaded confidant. And if she doesn't have one... less friends = greater risk in all of life

 

[Raindancer]

My take is, if he never crossed the line while you were a student and you only have good feelings, no yellow or red flags, then now as an adult you are free to make your decisions. From my experience, I always got this sick feeling in my gut if a man ever crossed a line when I was underage or early adult. Even if it was subtle, my inner voice would warn me. And if I experienced that I would never want to see them again. But if he has been respectful and is available and you are attracted to him, then take safety precautions but maybe get a drink and see what happens. You are no longer his student and are equals. But I would listen to that internal voice very carefully and if you are sensing any discomfort, listen to it.

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

It sounds like an unhealthy attachment. My first relationship was with a stalker. She caused me and several others a lot of harm. People who chase you in an unhealthy way have their own serious issues. It's unethical for him to message you or go visit you in classes. Then try to make plans once you're of age. You've already been groomed. I think you've realized it, but you enjoy the connection. This is all kinds of wrong.

 

[Fulminare]

Are you curious why? If so, let me explain my reasoning at least

I can see that lots of commenters here suffered massively, and thus are risk-averse. Many don't even leave their room; suffer from all sorts of mental illnesses

But so far, this art teacher conducted himself kindly, and our dear OP may be the only one with the "unhealthy attachment". While we're here for OPs, we also quietly know that they're often biased, leave things out, or even make things up. For all we know, if we could actually surveil them, maybe she flirted hard with a lonely widower who was just a damn dedicated teacher! Or maybe he's a cannibal who likes bad reality tv

But of course, we must respect them and offer our best advice when they ask

For that reason, I personally found it best to give general advice that helps anyone, boy or girl, ages 10-100. There's always risk when interacting with fellow humans, regardless if he's black or white, male or female, etc. We learn math in school, but not morality. Lots of broken hearts here; friendly teachers didn't break them all

And what is the real risk analysis here? Using his mind-control powers of... being a supportive teacher who lets lonely-seeming people sit in his room... what are the downsides? What are the upsides?

And notice that we're on a suicide forum. Everyone thinks we're the evil creeps. He has more reason to be horrified by us. What's most people's risk analysis of us? That you come here, you die. And guess what, we all know a bunch of people who indeed died here

Now I understand the OP hasn't given us all the info. That's why I think she should share the details with a trustworthy, levelheaded confidant. And if she doesn't have one... less friends = greater risk in all of life

The copium levels are exceeding the meters. Jesus Christ what happened to this forum.

 

[SexyIncél]

The copium levels are exceeding the meters. Jesus Christ what happened to this forum.

I don't know, looking at the last two people who responded to my posts:

• the previous guy apparently thinks women shouldn't own property
• your response seems like a disrespectful putdown with no arguments that might change minds. Maybe because I'm not necessarily calling her art teacher a near-pedobear who'll ruin her life

Like there's a culture war between sexists? If you'll excuse me, I'll try not to respond further to these sorts of posts. Though you're free to your opinions

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

I don't know, looking at the last two people who responded to my posts:

• the previous guy apparently thinks women shouldn't own property
• your response seems like a disrespectful putdown with no arguments that might change minds. Maybe because I'm not necessarily calling her art teacher a near-pedobear who'll ruin her life

Like there's a culture war between sexists? If you'll excuse me, I'll try not to respond further to these sorts of posts. Though you're free to your opinions

It's not sexist, just illegal. This has happened before and hasn't mattered before when teacher was female either. Grooming is illegal. It's unethical for teachers to engage students and minors like OP described. It's very cut and dry and understood by teachers. It's not an accident. Not being able to recognize illegal or predatory behavior and then list reasons to justify it as OK is what fulminare is talking about as copium.

I graduated from high school last spring.

Throughout my highschool years I had been close with my art teacher - he had a very informal style of teaching and me and him sort of developed a rapport and a connection from spending so much time together. During my spare blocks, I would just hang out in his room. He never objected to it, and sometimes he'd come to visit me in my other classes.
I loved when he was there, it made my heart happy.

I moved to a different city after graduation, partly to get some distance from him (I worried I had an unhealthy attachment to him). He has an Instagram account where he posts artwork from school.
He messaged me a few weeks ago and we started talking. We started messaging so frequently that we'd just talk all day. The topic sometimes includes sexual jokes and crude things, but he's never expressed sexual interest in me. I'm visiting home for Christmas break and he keeps messaging me wanting to make plans. He keeps saying he'll buy me a drink now that I'm of legal age.
Is it wrong to meet him? Is it wrong that I'm okay with this all? There is a lot more to it but I'm trying to be concise. Is it acceptable?

This is the wrong forum for this question. The forum is almost all people who have a mental disorder of some form or another. Almost everyone deals with depression as just the starting point. Many of the additional disorders are social and this question is a social question. You can expect to get a lot of bad answers here. Reddit or the like would be better.

Either way stay away. The behavior is illegal and unethical. Its very cut and dry. Teachers are taught what lines not to cross. It's deliberate, and not a happy accident. Expect some emotional manipulation if you turn him down. If you accept, those drinks are going to come with risks including a roofie.

 

[SexyIncél]

It's not sexist, just illegal. This has happened before and hasn't mattered before when teacher was female either. Grooming is illegal. It's unethical for teachers to engage students and minors like OP described. It's very cut and dry and understood by teachers. It's not an accident. Not being able to recognize illegal or predatory behavior and then list reasons to justify it as OK is what fulminare is talking about as copium.

Yow! I googled "teachers grooming students" and the very first link helps teachers defend against wild accusations:

What is Grooming?

What might have once been considered being nice to a student might now be considered grooming. Grooming, as defined by TEA (Texas Education Agency), means that an educator engages in increasingly inappropriate boundary violations in an effort to gain the trust of a student and prepare him/her for a future sexual relationship. For example, giving a student a ride home could be considered grooming. Inviting a student to your home or to a party could be considered grooming. Giving a student a gift could be considered grooming. Treating one student differently from others can be looked upon as grooming. The sex of the student or the teacher does not matter.

And it seems sexist after all: "Male teachers are especially vulnerable."

I'm glad I'm not a US teacher, with shitty pay and students forced to be there. You've even got people on a suicide (illegal) forum confidently hurling accusations that you "groomed" a woman because you let her hang out in your art room, and say hi to her in other classes!

I wonder how many teachers come here to ctb. I'm all for protecting students, but this looks pretty sick. Whatta bad teacher: "I loved when he was there, it made my heart happy."

Is this a puritan US-only thing? Another wild scare, like how all the transgender people are supposedly coming after you?

 

[Little_Suzy]

It's one thing to feel special in high school because you got extra attention from a teacher, and it's quite another to feel good as an adult woman because you had sex with a lecherous kiddie groomer.

Men are done with women once they get their way, and this will undoubtedly end tragically for you. Men don't want to be friends with women!

You are an adult, so you cannot report him as a "groomer" if this "friendship" does not materialize.

His advances may be exciting at first, but you'll soon feel ashamed for allowing an older man to sexually exploit you.

Getting together with an older man you knew when you were a young girl is never a good idea.

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

It's one thing to feel special in high school because you got extra attention from a teacher, and it's quite another to feel good as an adult woman because you had sex with a lecherous kiddie groomer.

Men are done with women once they get their way, and this will undoubtedly end tragically for you. Men don't want to be friends with women!

You are an adult, so you cannot report him as a "groomer" if this "friendship" does not materialize.

His advances may be exciting at first, but you'll soon feel ashamed for allowing an older man to sexually exploit you.

Getting together with an older man you knew when you were a young girl is never a good idea.

This is sexist and unhealthy. I have plenty of female friends, and I never wanted a relationship with them. Some of them wanted a relationship, and I declined because I just wanted to be friends. Vice versa has happened as well. I don't know your trauma or anger, but men and women have friendships commonly.

The issue is a teacher communicating inappropriately with a student and minor for over a year.

Yow! I googled "teachers grooming students" and the very first link helps teachers defend against wild accusations:


And it seems sexist after all: "Male teachers are especially vulnerable."

I'm glad I'm not a US teacher, with shitty pay and students forced to be there. You've even got people on a suicide (illegal) forum confidently hurling accusations that you "groomed" a woman because you let her hang out in your art room, and say hi to her in other classes!

I wonder how many teachers come here to ctb. I'm all for protecting students, but this looks pretty sick. Whatta bad teacher: "I loved when he was there, it made my heart happy."

Is this a puritan US-only thing? Another wild scare, like how all the transgender people are supposedly coming after you?

Google is giving you recommendations based on your history. I'm guessing there's incel related content? I'm not getting the same results as you.

 

[Little_Suzy]

It's not sexist, just illegal. This has happened before and hasn't mattered before when teacher was female either. Grooming is illegal. It's unethical for teachers to engage students and minors like OP described. It's very cut and dry and understood by teachers. It's not an accident. Not being able to recognize illegal or predatory behavior and then list reasons to justify it as OK is what fulminare is talking about as copium.

This is the wrong forum for this question. The forum is almost all people who have a mental disorder of some form or another. Almost everyone deals with depression as just the starting point. Many of the additional disorders are social and this question is a social question. You can expect to get a lot of bad answers here. Reddit or the like would be better.

Either way stay away. The behavior is illegal and unethical. Its very cut and dry. Teachers are taught what lines not to cross. It's deliberate, and not a happy accident. Expect some emotional manipulation if you turn him down. If you accept, those drinks are going to come with risks including a roofie.

It sounds like an unhealthy attachment. My first relationship was with a stalker. She caused me and several others a lot of harm. People who chase you in an unhealthy way have their own serious issues. It's unethical for him to message you or go visit you in classes. Then try to make plans once you're of age. You've already been groomed. I think you've realized it, but you enjoy the connection. This is all kinds of wrong.

This is sexist and unhealthy. I have plenty of female friends, and I never wanted a relationship with them. Some of them wanted a relationship, and I declined because I just wanted to be friends. Vice versa has happened as well. I don't know your trauma or anger, but men and women have friendships commonly.

The issue is a teacher communicating inappropriately with a student and minor for over a year.

Google is giving you recommendations based on your history. I'm guessing there's incel related content? I'm not getting the same results as you.

While I did say "men," I did not say "all men." I wasn't referring to outliers like yourself. This thread is not about you, so stop being self-centered and engaging in pointless debates with others. You're derailing OP's thread.

Don't respond to any of my comments. Read my disclaimer carefully.

"I don't debate with suicidal people. If you agree, kindly upvote/reply. If you disagree, please ignore. I understand we won't always agree. Thanks!"