Am I actually better?

[omgisthatashley]

I started writing this as a "It does get better" thread but as I sat and thought about it, im not sure.

Ive had 5 attempts, 10+ hospitalizations, and 2 stays in residential, so I feel like I can say that I've been to rock bottom. Its been 7 months since my last hospitalization, and 7 months since my last ideation (there are too many SI acronyms >:\). Since then I have gotten a great therapist, made an amazing "friend" ;), and got a good job. A year ago, I never would have believed I could achieve these things. Hell, I was self sabotaging my treatment, relationships, and job search. But now that I have them, I dont even think about it anymore. Sure I browse this forum occasionally and the news makes me sad, but I dont even consider ctb these days.

That was what I had written before. All of those things are true. Yeah, life has gotten alot better, but writing all that made me think, "not having a job or friends isnt what made me sad". Thinking on what did then; my own self image? That isnt better. Self acceptance? Still just as bad. Other people? 10x worse. Dysphoria? Worsening. Regrets? Still regretted. Even just my progress in life. I'm still 5+ years behind where I should be (expected myself to be* therapist says no shoulds :\ ). Materially, sure things are better. Yeah ig my support system is expanded and Ive implemented routine into my schedule, but is it enough?

Right now I dont think about that stuff (as often as I used to), partially because Im busy, but also because I wont let myself. Ive always been the type to bottle everything up; let all my emotions build until I explode and do something stupid (hooray amab socialization). I feel like thats what Im doing now. Im not working on any of my feelings, Im not working to make them better, Im just distracting myself. Whenever my therapist asks me my coping methods I say, "distraction", and she says its a good one, but I feel like its doing more harm than good (at least for the big stuff).

Anyway, sorry for rambling, I really dont know what the point of this was, but ig ill turn the question to you (yes farm that interaction >:D). Do you all feel like your lives have ACTUALLY improved, or are there still things eating you up that you havent dealt with yet?

 

[InductionStove]

Honestly I feel you, but usually if I want to consider whether or not Im getting better, I think about 10 or 12 year old me. If they saw me, would they be proud? Would they feel safe? I know sometimes it can feel like everything is the same, it might be - who knows. Im not going to pretend like we know eachother, or that were best buds but if you had little you infront of yourself now. Would they be proud of you? from what i read, it seems so.
Anyways, I dont believe my life has gotten better, ive just grown. I usually wish to go back to when i was younger, id rather deal with the stress of picking the blue shoes or the red shoes then taking the test that determines my future. , I have so many things that eat me up. many things left unresolved, many things that im not proud of, and many things that will never happen, despite me always wanting to do them

 

[MissionSucksAssFul]

This is just me applying my info to your question, if it seems too harsh feel free to dismiss it as idiocy :)
I always felt like no matter what you do life gets worse: you get older and weaker, more caged and cynical... it's hard to maintain your inner child! I am most fortunate I got to keep it almost whole and so am able to find joy almost anywhere... but that gets harder when my adult eyes see nothing but sorrow all around

 

[omgisthatashley]

Honestly I feel you, but usually if I want to consider whether or not Im getting better, I think about 10 or 12 year old me. If they saw me, would they be proud? Would they feel safe? I know sometimes it can feel like everything is the same, it might be - who knows. Im not going to pretend like we know eachother, or that were best buds but if you had little you infront of yourself now. Would they be proud of you? from what i read, it seems so.
Anyways, I dont believe my life has gotten better, ive just grown. I usually wish to go back to when i was younger, id rather deal with the stress of picking the blue shoes or the red shoes then taking the test that determines my future. , I have so many things that eat me up. many things left unresolved, many things that im not proud of, and many things that will never happen, despite me always wanting to do them

I guess. 12 yo me might be a little proud, cuz at least im living as myself, but I feel like even as a kid I would be disappointed in how little progress Ive made. 15 yo me would be disgusted and call me slurs, and 18 yo me would 10x as disappointed because I had such high hopes for myself 2 years in.

 

[Galileo3630]

It's great that you've been able to make progress in certain areas of your life, such as finding a good therapist, making new friends, and securing a job. However, it's important to recognize that healing and recovery are not linear processes, and it's okay to still struggle with certain aspects of your mental health. It's important to continue to work on your feelings and find healthier coping mechanisms, rather than just distracting yourself from them. Your therapist is there to support you in this process and can help you explore different coping strategies that work for you. Remember that progress takes time and that it's okay to still have areas that need improvement. Keep striving towards self-acceptance and healing, and don't hesitate to reach out for support when you need it.