Venting Am I a prick/asshole?

[LuzurPhagget]

Possibly one of 'em rhetorical questions.

My mother's birthday is today...and my planned D-day is tomorrow. But I'm giving this bullshit excuse that I'm going away for the weekend and won't be back for two days, giving myself like a 2 day buffer period until people start searching for me. You think that's enough time? Will it tarnish my mother's future birthdays?!?

Fuck, the days are getting colder and the roads potentially more dangerous. I plan on driving a good 3 hours away to do the deed and I would fucking HATE to wipeout en route to my death. Fuck! Dammit! I should have done it a while back but just procrastinated on stupid shit. Now I'm torn between being an "inhuman monster" and simple practicalities. Not entirely sure what to do. Would another week really be a sufficient "buffer period" for future birthdays?? Is my stupid SI kicking in and making me question shit?!?

On the other hand, maybe if my CTB prompts her to CTB, that would be a good thing. I mean, at the end of the day, I think she's a stronger person and has more to offer the world than me...but she's also a FUCKING nut. I honestly don't know if she's caused more misery than she's added more joy/happiness to the family. Maybe my neice would be better off with her in her life...or maybe she won't. And maybe I shouldn't even give a fuck?!! I couldn't make it, so why the fuck should I care if anybody else does, especially THAT nut.

Dammit, I REALLY don't want to do another week of this, especially if it makes my plans unfeasible.

Any feedback?

 

[JimFord99]

In the end, there is only one person that counts: YOU. If you already have a plan, stick to it, otherwise you will be torn between do it and don't do it. What is worse for you and what is better for you? Only you can decide.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Well since you are asking us I will give you my answer keep in mind it´s subjective to me. I wouldn´t kill myself so close to my parents or siblings birthday hell in my mind I only have a 3 month window each year which is August, September and October because December is Christmas time and november leads up to it so I don´t wanna ruin my parents and siblings holidays forever, from January to July my parents, siblings and myself have birthdays so I don´t want to kill myself any of these months since I am sure it will ruin their birthday month forever.

 

[LuzurPhagget]

Well since you are asking us I will give you my answer keep in mind it´s subjective to me. I wouldn´t kill myself so close to my parents or siblings birthday hell in my mind I only have a 3 month window each year which is August, September and October because December is Christmas time and november leads up to it so I don´t wanna ruin my parents and siblings holidays forever, from January to July my parents, siblings and myself have birthdays so I don´t want to kill myself any of these months since I am sure it will ruin their birthday month forever.

So prick it is then! But ah, if I CTB two days after my mother's birthday, it will technically be a NEW month, so I couldn't possibly ruin her birthday month! It's perfect!

For real though, thanks for the feedback.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

So prick it is then! But ah, if I CTB two days after my mother's birthday, it will technically be a NEW month, so I couldn't possibly ruin her birthday month! It's perfect!

For real though, thanks for the feedback.

I don´t think it works that way she will still think when it´s her birthday "in two days my child killed himself x amount of years ago"
I am pretty sure you were just being sarcastic but not entirely certain :i

 

[color_me_gone]

When you get older, birthdays are not such a big deal anymore for many people.
Honestly, your ctb is gonna' hurt her, no matter when you do it,
so really, I don't think it matters much whether you do it close to her birthday, or not.

 

[lymbo]

Possibly one of 'em rhetorical questions.

My mother's birthday is today...and my planned D-day is tomorrow. But I'm giving this bullshit excuse that I'm going away for the weekend and won't be back for two days, giving myself like a 2 day buffer period until people start searching for me. You think that's enough time? Will it tarnish my mother's future birthdays?!?

Fuck, the days are getting colder and the roads potentially more dangerous. I plan on driving a good 3 hours away to do the deed and I would fucking HATE to wipeout en route to my death. Fuck! Dammit! I should have done it a while back but just procrastinated on stupid shit. Now I'm torn between being an "inhuman monster" and simple practicalities. Not entirely sure what to do. Would another week really be a sufficient "buffer period" for future birthdays?? Is my stupid SI kicking in and making me question shit?!?

On the other hand, maybe if my CTB prompts her to CTB, that would be a good thing. I mean, at the end of the day, I think she's a stronger person and has more to offer the world than me...but she's also a FUCKING nut. I honestly don't know if she's caused more misery than she's added more joy/happiness to the family. Maybe my neice would be better off with her in her life...or maybe she won't. And maybe I shouldn't even give a fuck?!! I couldn't make it, so why the fuck should I care if anybody else does, especially THAT nut.

Dammit, I REALLY don't want to do another week of this, especially if it makes my plans unfeasible.

Any feedback?

why u want to cbt?

 

[sammii]

Personally I wouldn't ctb close to my mum's birthday, not saying you're a prick or an asshole though you seem very nice haha. It's totally your choice, if it'll fuck up your plan then you gotta do what you gotta do! It doesn't make u a bad person

 

[LuzurPhagget]

why u want to cbt?

Pretty bad cognitive issues. I really feel like I'm retarded or have some dementia. Have trouble speaking and understanding instructions. In addition to other issues.

Also pretty sure I have some kind of autism. Can't really connect with anyone.

And there are some things I simply can't forgive myself for. And I'm just tired. Should've done it 10 years ago.

 

[lymbo]

Pretty bad cognitive issues. I really feel like I'm retarded or have some dementia. Have trouble speaking and understanding instructions. In addition to other issues.

Also pretty sure I have some kind of autism. Can't really connect with anyone.

And there are some things I simply can't forgive myself for. And I'm just tired. Should've done it 10 years ago.

sorry to hear, hwat method u chose and hoq old a re u?

 

[*KNAZ*]

Do what you need to do for yourself. This is a selfish world. Don't worry about timing. There is no perfect time to CTB except the one you decide on. Life will go on. People will adjust regardless of the date you CTB. That's just my two cents.

Pretty bad cognitive issues. I really feel like I'm retarded or have some dementia. Have trouble speaking and understanding instructions. In addition to other issues.

Also pretty sure I have some kind of autism. Can't really connect with anyone.

And there are some things I simply can't forgive myself for. And I'm just tired. Should've done it 10 years ago.

I'm having cognitive decline issues that are making it harder for me to function at the mental pace required at work. I can tell and it's making me even more stressed out and feeling hopeless. Worried I'm going to lose this job. I have asked my doc to order an MRI just to see if there is something I can point to as the cause but it's not often that a test reveals a cause to something as nebulous as cognitive decline. . Have had HIV for 15 years but was always relatively healthy on meds until past four years. Now that I'm over 50 it's really a cause for concern. Can't qualify for disability. Everyday I'm in mental distress and I just don't have any peace of mind. Just stress and distress and endless worry.

 

[LuzurPhagget]

sorry to hear, hwat method u chose and hoq old a re u?

CO via charcoal in my car. Turning 29. But don't want to be around for that shit.

 

[*KNAZ*]

CO via charcoal in my car. Turning 29.

I wondered about charcoal CO method. Could do in a hotel bathroom with the vents blocked and towels in door crack. Just leave a note in bathroom door to warn of CO inside.

 

[Jean4]

Do what you need to do for yourself. This is a selfish world. Don't worry about timing. There is no perfect time to CTB except the one you decide on. Life will go on. People will adjust regardless of the date you CTB. That's just my two cents.

I'm having cognitive decline issues that are making it harder for me to function at the mental pace required at work. I can tell and it's making me even more stressed out and feeling hopeless. Worried I'm going to lose this job. I have asked my doc to order an MRI just to see if there is something I can point to as the cause but it's not often that a test reveals a cause to something as nebulous as cognitive decline. . Have had HIV for 15 years but was always relatively healthy on meds until past four years. Now that I'm over 50 it's really a cause for concern. Can't qualify for disability. Everyday I'm in mental distress and I just don't have any peace of mind. Just stress and distress and endless worry.

Why can't you get disability? I'm over 50. Took 3 years and a court case, but I got it.

 

[*KNAZ*]

Why can't you get disability? I'm over 50. Took 3 years and a court case, but I got it.

Because I am too "healthy" and could technically still work. Just not in my chosen profession. At least not for much longer.

 

[Jean4]

Because I am too "healthy" and could technically still work. Just not in my chosen profession. At least not for much longer.

Sorry. I've been there.

 

[Moon Flower]

If you're a prick then so am I, my date is close to both my sister's birthday and her due date

 

[LuzurPhagget]

If you're a prick then so am I, my date is close to both my sister's birthday and her due date

Yeah, my sister's due again in February and...I would just rather not be around for that. I'm not really close with my sister (or anyone really), but I guess I'm just too autistic/joyless to enjoy that moment. Oh well. I plan on giving a portion of what little money I have to her kids though.

And apparently, miscarriages can't be caused by stress. I always thought that. That's relieving.

 

[Soul]

Not a prick. I'm sorry you're contemplating this, but the when of it is not what hurts others. You're sweet to care. Journey well

 

[I screwed up]

Ur ctb will have the same effect on ur family irrespective of the date . also in the end its ur pain that counts .. Its sad its come to this but if u have to do it then u do it at your best time nothing to do with others

 

[THCTemplar]

So prick it is then! But ah, if I CTB two days after my mother's birthday, it will technically be a NEW month, so I couldn't possibly ruin her birthday month! It's perfect!

For real though, thanks for the feedback.

I don't mean to sound callous but I don't think any of that matters. I think the death of ones child will be just as bad no matter what month or holiday it spoils.
What I mean is I wouldn't worry about what holidays you might taint.

I don't mean to sound callous but I don't think any of that matters. I think the death of ones child will be just as bad no matter what month or holiday it spoils.

 

[LuzurPhagget]

Fuck. I think I'm going to be here at least another week. It started snowing here and the places/paths I've chosen must be blocked off by the fucking snow plows. So I'll have to find a new spot. Plus, apparently my father won't be back now till Wednesday, so don't trust my mother to be alone when she discovers my disappearance and possible implication. She might do something "irrational."

Such bullshit.