I think I have bipolar or a tendency to go through psychosis. I spoke to a doctor about it while getting a depression and anxiety diagnosis, but they couldn't diagnose me with it because even though what I told them sounded like bipolar, I have zero social connections who could corroborate my view of the events. And I was also taking or getting off of depression meds in some of the phases.
Whatever the case may be, I'm a massive fuck up. At age 23, while feeling fantastic for a few months, I got my shit together and went through the entrance exam of the top university in my country, and got in. But a few years into it, I quit and cannot get back in. I fucked up the biggest opportunity of my life because of my mental illness or just my retardation, take your pick.
Now, I'm 27, and I am honestly barely functioning. I applied to a "low tier" university and got in. Studying will be very difficult, I feel weak and low energy -- basically my regular state to be honest. I can complete a Bachelor's now in a little less than 2 years probably, with some of my previous courses being accredited. I've looked at average salaries and I can make good money and have a good future in this field (BBA), but I just feel horrible about having been at the best university and having dropped out due to what is sort of a temporary, recurring mental fuckery that I have. I don't even want to tell people I was at that university because now I'm at a far worse one, and I don't want to explain how I dropped out and popped back in at my current one. I also don't know if I'm actually able to work. I wouldn't be, if I had to start working right now.
This is all incredibly prideful of me. I don't have any social connections, so I don't know where all my pride comes from.
I also have fears that I will just get through a shitty phase again and drop out, again, but I've identified shame and pride as being my biggest problems.
How do I get past something like this? I think my brain is just fucked and I focus on irrelevant things, and loop on the thoughts. I honestly could have killed myself if I had had SN due to my wounded pride. And I hate myself because I'm smart and score high on tests, but I'm also mentally ill and just very low functioning a lot of the time. It feels like a shitty existence and I don't want it, but I'm trapped.
Whatever the case may be, I'm a massive fuck up. At age 23, while feeling fantastic for a few months, I got my shit together and went through the entrance exam of the top university in my country, and got in. But a few years into it, I quit and cannot get back in. I fucked up the biggest opportunity of my life because of my mental illness or just my retardation, take your pick.
Now, I'm 27, and I am honestly barely functioning. I applied to a "low tier" university and got in. Studying will be very difficult, I feel weak and low energy -- basically my regular state to be honest. I can complete a Bachelor's now in a little less than 2 years probably, with some of my previous courses being accredited. I've looked at average salaries and I can make good money and have a good future in this field (BBA), but I just feel horrible about having been at the best university and having dropped out due to what is sort of a temporary, recurring mental fuckery that I have. I don't even want to tell people I was at that university because now I'm at a far worse one, and I don't want to explain how I dropped out and popped back in at my current one. I also don't know if I'm actually able to work. I wouldn't be, if I had to start working right now.
This is all incredibly prideful of me. I don't have any social connections, so I don't know where all my pride comes from.
I also have fears that I will just get through a shitty phase again and drop out, again, but I've identified shame and pride as being my biggest problems.
How do I get past something like this? I think my brain is just fucked and I focus on irrelevant things, and loop on the thoughts. I honestly could have killed myself if I had had SN due to my wounded pride. And I hate myself because I'm smart and score high on tests, but I'm also mentally ill and just very low functioning a lot of the time. It feels like a shitty existence and I don't want it, but I'm trapped.
