FatalSystemError591
{He/They}
- Oct 12, 2020
- 229
So I've had a whole long line of gaslighting, projection, manipulation, and abuse. If any of these are triggering to you, this is a content warning. Will probably mention drugs, alcohol, smoking, and other things as to give you background on my life, but with little detail. Just wanting to talk about an overarching issue I struggle with.
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So I'll preface this by mentioning I grew up in a very toxic household. My stepmother had many grudges against my mother (for marrying him first, for my dad getting a vasectomy at her request after they had me, who was a "miracle" after multiple miscarriages, whose existence sent her into such severe post partum depression that it led to my neglect and parents' divorce.) And ever since she moved in with my dad, she made it her quest to have me not grow up like her. Everything about her she taught me to hate and fed me lies for years about my mother. She accused me of drinking, smoking, doing drugs, and projecting her past onto me as well as my mother's. She to this day refuses to believe I never touched that stuff, no personal hate, just never had an interest. She always painted me out to be a horrible person no matter what I did, calling me all sorts of nasty names and grounding me for things I legitimately didn't do, due to her wanting to justify this grudge.
This has followed me throughout my entire life. I fell into a lot of toxic relationships that my therapists had said that I was falling in love with people who made me work for their love and praise, just as she did. That my brain subconsciously picked abusers because it was all I knew, and they fed off of me because apparently somehow they could tell I was a target. I don't know how much this is true but, all those people I dated were just perpetuating that I was essentially at my core a rotten person and deserved any abuse I was given and more. Needless to say I'm going to be in therapy and have medication for the rest of my life over this and have many mental illnesses from the trauma and abuse I have faced.
So I thought, well if people think I'm horrible and manipulative, I'm going to unlearn my toxic traits and only have the best intentions for everyone and be different from my abuser! That will be good and then no one will accuse me of being a horrible person, manipulative, evil, or anything again, right?
Fast forward to a couple of days ago. I had the idea of putting together little goodie bags for my bosses and my coworker, because 2020 has kicked our asses and I wanted to spread a little holiday cheer. I read last year because I thought of getting everyone Christmas presents last year that it was taboo to give gifts to your bosses and that it would be seen as a bribe. So I didn't. I figured this year it would be okay to do because I was giving a small and equal goodie bag to everyone to spread some cheer. Now, due to aforementioned trauma and mental illnesses, one of the manifestations of that is anxiety. So I thought that leaving a gift on my bosses' door and going would be a nice thing for them to see at the end of the day, and would be a way for me to not have the awkwardness of finding something to say while I'm giving the gifts. And then yesterday I carry out my plan and then of my bosses says not to go anywhere and the other one hands us our checks and a really pretty Christmas card with a gift inside. She then looks at me and says snidely "Yeah I saw your gift. Thanks for the hint that you wanted something." Like... no? That wasn't my intention at all? I just wanted to spread a little cheer and I just stand there kind of dumbstruck while she goes off again to do whatever she was doing without much of a goodbye after my shift ended. The more I thought about it, the more it stung.
Apparently after I left to my coworker she mentioned something about "comparing notes" regarding the gifts we got from them. We aren't close, but we bullshit when things are slow and vent about life. I've already been in this job for over a year and it was only because my abusive prick of a husband wouldn't stop pestering me despite the fact that I am physically disabled to get a job. Learning later I was only hired on because they were desperate, but still due to anxiety of suffering my husband's wrath and fighting through the anxiety and overcompensation for feeling like I wasn't enough and wasn't liked at work, I always powered through with a smile. That manager has always had a way of throwing it in our faces that she feels what she tells us to do is beneath her, the other boss doesn't and seems genuinely thankful for everything I do. But, now that whole interaction left me with a super sour taste in my mouth. I also had a long and really difficult day at work with being harassed by a customer and having difficult dealings with people all day. Giving gifts helps me feel better because I'm helping other people to feel less shitty. I was hoping that I could just end the day on that positive note and go on, but then as soon as that happened all hope that my day would end on a good note was crushed. I almost was tempted to attempt cashing in my bus ticket due to the last couple years of constant stress and that being a final straw mentally with all the other huge piles of shit I have to deal with on a daily basis.
I vent to my husband because I'm a giant idiot who thinks that they should be able to rely on their partner, my husband doesn't see it that way but, yeah. I was looking to him for advice and what he was saying was that I should adjust myself to everyone's expectations and be nice in a way that can't be misconstrued, but I feel like that is just asking for MORE anxiety, and feels manipulative to try and adjust myself to appease everyone instead of being my authentic self, and I'm trying to move away from that kind of mentality. Why would I just allow myself to fall into the villain role people already paint me in??? And suggesting that when that's the exact crisis I'm in felt very unhelpful.
Unfortunately, I can't leave my job or my husband yet. I'm trying on both but my husband quit his job on impulse during the pandemic and didn't line up another job like I told him to do so now he's just a deadbeat leeching off my energy and now my money. It has drained the money I was saving for a divorce and moving out, but he didn't know how much money i had and for why. It's not like he can't find a job, but he has screwed himself over because after the 5 years we have been married he never fully legally changed his name (as he changed his last name to the one we agreed on together so that we would match) and he lost his birth certificate and social security card over a year ago and kept making excuses to why he didn't do it. So now he is struggling to do all three and it is taking a lot longer due to the pandemic locking things down. And now it has bit himself and myself in the ass. I can barely skate us by on my income alone.
And then today, an argument came up where as usual my husband was assuming the worst intentions of me and projecting on me what he actually was going to do himself. Saying I was being passive aggressive and hostile about a non-issue and was trying to make it seem like I was violent towards him. (Saying I threw my phone at him when I just tossed it next to my chair on the bed. We have a California Queen bed, and he was on the far opposite side. A gross overreaction. He KNOWS I'm not a violent person except to myself and if I wanted to throw it at him, I wouldn't be able to. My own moral code stops that.)
And then later on it triggered a massive dissociation spell when I thought I was over yesterday with my bosses and today with my husband. Why do people keep seeing my intentions as manipulative, toxic, or hateful? Why do people think I'm some malicious person when I've purposefully tried so hard to change what toxic ways I learned and gotten rid of? Why is it that when I'm nice I'm a horrible person, when I'm civil I'm a horrible person, and when I'm finally spiteful then I'm just proving them right? My whole life has been a giant damned if I do, damned if I don't. And I'm sick of being painted like a villain when I am so kindhearted I cry at animals being adorable and capture flies and spiders to set them free because I don't want to kill them? Then I saw what felt like a nightmare while awake of my bosses firing me because of my gift. It wasn't a daydream, and I didn't fall asleep, but it was so real it was like I was there in an alternate dimension.
At this point I've made my peace and think that if I don't escape by my birthday next year that I am better off catching my bus and that is that. And yes I've tried to get help with a domestic violence shelter but the person who I was trying to figure out a plan with apparently quit on the spot a day later after the last meeting I had with her and I was not informed and there was no follow through. And the best thing they could suggest was a temporary place to stay but I had no job and would have either had to go back to my husband, my family, or be homeless. None of which would have been good for many reasons. So I figured I was a lost cause and gave up. And now during COVID most places aren't even operating or very limitedly and I doubt there is anything where I can reasonably go to help my transition for escaping this hell.. I have no hope left unless a miracle happens.
But anyway, TL;DR is that no matter what I do I'm painted as the villain, and I'm too sensitive to just not give a care, so I don't know what to do about it other than to just die a villain because people believe what they want no matter how much I try.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So I'll preface this by mentioning I grew up in a very toxic household. My stepmother had many grudges against my mother (for marrying him first, for my dad getting a vasectomy at her request after they had me, who was a "miracle" after multiple miscarriages, whose existence sent her into such severe post partum depression that it led to my neglect and parents' divorce.) And ever since she moved in with my dad, she made it her quest to have me not grow up like her. Everything about her she taught me to hate and fed me lies for years about my mother. She accused me of drinking, smoking, doing drugs, and projecting her past onto me as well as my mother's. She to this day refuses to believe I never touched that stuff, no personal hate, just never had an interest. She always painted me out to be a horrible person no matter what I did, calling me all sorts of nasty names and grounding me for things I legitimately didn't do, due to her wanting to justify this grudge.
This has followed me throughout my entire life. I fell into a lot of toxic relationships that my therapists had said that I was falling in love with people who made me work for their love and praise, just as she did. That my brain subconsciously picked abusers because it was all I knew, and they fed off of me because apparently somehow they could tell I was a target. I don't know how much this is true but, all those people I dated were just perpetuating that I was essentially at my core a rotten person and deserved any abuse I was given and more. Needless to say I'm going to be in therapy and have medication for the rest of my life over this and have many mental illnesses from the trauma and abuse I have faced.
So I thought, well if people think I'm horrible and manipulative, I'm going to unlearn my toxic traits and only have the best intentions for everyone and be different from my abuser! That will be good and then no one will accuse me of being a horrible person, manipulative, evil, or anything again, right?
Fast forward to a couple of days ago. I had the idea of putting together little goodie bags for my bosses and my coworker, because 2020 has kicked our asses and I wanted to spread a little holiday cheer. I read last year because I thought of getting everyone Christmas presents last year that it was taboo to give gifts to your bosses and that it would be seen as a bribe. So I didn't. I figured this year it would be okay to do because I was giving a small and equal goodie bag to everyone to spread some cheer. Now, due to aforementioned trauma and mental illnesses, one of the manifestations of that is anxiety. So I thought that leaving a gift on my bosses' door and going would be a nice thing for them to see at the end of the day, and would be a way for me to not have the awkwardness of finding something to say while I'm giving the gifts. And then yesterday I carry out my plan and then of my bosses says not to go anywhere and the other one hands us our checks and a really pretty Christmas card with a gift inside. She then looks at me and says snidely "Yeah I saw your gift. Thanks for the hint that you wanted something." Like... no? That wasn't my intention at all? I just wanted to spread a little cheer and I just stand there kind of dumbstruck while she goes off again to do whatever she was doing without much of a goodbye after my shift ended. The more I thought about it, the more it stung.
Apparently after I left to my coworker she mentioned something about "comparing notes" regarding the gifts we got from them. We aren't close, but we bullshit when things are slow and vent about life. I've already been in this job for over a year and it was only because my abusive prick of a husband wouldn't stop pestering me despite the fact that I am physically disabled to get a job. Learning later I was only hired on because they were desperate, but still due to anxiety of suffering my husband's wrath and fighting through the anxiety and overcompensation for feeling like I wasn't enough and wasn't liked at work, I always powered through with a smile. That manager has always had a way of throwing it in our faces that she feels what she tells us to do is beneath her, the other boss doesn't and seems genuinely thankful for everything I do. But, now that whole interaction left me with a super sour taste in my mouth. I also had a long and really difficult day at work with being harassed by a customer and having difficult dealings with people all day. Giving gifts helps me feel better because I'm helping other people to feel less shitty. I was hoping that I could just end the day on that positive note and go on, but then as soon as that happened all hope that my day would end on a good note was crushed. I almost was tempted to attempt cashing in my bus ticket due to the last couple years of constant stress and that being a final straw mentally with all the other huge piles of shit I have to deal with on a daily basis.
I vent to my husband because I'm a giant idiot who thinks that they should be able to rely on their partner, my husband doesn't see it that way but, yeah. I was looking to him for advice and what he was saying was that I should adjust myself to everyone's expectations and be nice in a way that can't be misconstrued, but I feel like that is just asking for MORE anxiety, and feels manipulative to try and adjust myself to appease everyone instead of being my authentic self, and I'm trying to move away from that kind of mentality. Why would I just allow myself to fall into the villain role people already paint me in??? And suggesting that when that's the exact crisis I'm in felt very unhelpful.
Unfortunately, I can't leave my job or my husband yet. I'm trying on both but my husband quit his job on impulse during the pandemic and didn't line up another job like I told him to do so now he's just a deadbeat leeching off my energy and now my money. It has drained the money I was saving for a divorce and moving out, but he didn't know how much money i had and for why. It's not like he can't find a job, but he has screwed himself over because after the 5 years we have been married he never fully legally changed his name (as he changed his last name to the one we agreed on together so that we would match) and he lost his birth certificate and social security card over a year ago and kept making excuses to why he didn't do it. So now he is struggling to do all three and it is taking a lot longer due to the pandemic locking things down. And now it has bit himself and myself in the ass. I can barely skate us by on my income alone.
And then today, an argument came up where as usual my husband was assuming the worst intentions of me and projecting on me what he actually was going to do himself. Saying I was being passive aggressive and hostile about a non-issue and was trying to make it seem like I was violent towards him. (Saying I threw my phone at him when I just tossed it next to my chair on the bed. We have a California Queen bed, and he was on the far opposite side. A gross overreaction. He KNOWS I'm not a violent person except to myself and if I wanted to throw it at him, I wouldn't be able to. My own moral code stops that.)
And then later on it triggered a massive dissociation spell when I thought I was over yesterday with my bosses and today with my husband. Why do people keep seeing my intentions as manipulative, toxic, or hateful? Why do people think I'm some malicious person when I've purposefully tried so hard to change what toxic ways I learned and gotten rid of? Why is it that when I'm nice I'm a horrible person, when I'm civil I'm a horrible person, and when I'm finally spiteful then I'm just proving them right? My whole life has been a giant damned if I do, damned if I don't. And I'm sick of being painted like a villain when I am so kindhearted I cry at animals being adorable and capture flies and spiders to set them free because I don't want to kill them? Then I saw what felt like a nightmare while awake of my bosses firing me because of my gift. It wasn't a daydream, and I didn't fall asleep, but it was so real it was like I was there in an alternate dimension.
At this point I've made my peace and think that if I don't escape by my birthday next year that I am better off catching my bus and that is that. And yes I've tried to get help with a domestic violence shelter but the person who I was trying to figure out a plan with apparently quit on the spot a day later after the last meeting I had with her and I was not informed and there was no follow through. And the best thing they could suggest was a temporary place to stay but I had no job and would have either had to go back to my husband, my family, or be homeless. None of which would have been good for many reasons. So I figured I was a lost cause and gave up. And now during COVID most places aren't even operating or very limitedly and I doubt there is anything where I can reasonably go to help my transition for escaping this hell.. I have no hope left unless a miracle happens.
But anyway, TL;DR is that no matter what I do I'm painted as the villain, and I'm too sensitive to just not give a care, so I don't know what to do about it other than to just die a villain because people believe what they want no matter how much I try.
