Venting always back at square one

[colorlesshue]

I'm going to die young, I know I will. even on my better days, i find myself fantasizing about killing myself and how i'd do it. I dream about hanging myself, jumping off each tall building I see and wondering when it'll finally be me in the grave. I'm on so much fucking medication for chronic pain and mental illness that I feel like it'd kill a horse, and none of it makes me feel any better. the only difference is that I struggle to cry now, even when i really really have to. I'm constantly overwhelmed and tired with the grating desire to end it all, I don't even want to die though. I just want it all to stop, to cease existing in this world but theres no off and on switch so I have to take the extreme route. I'm not going to do anything important in this life either way, so better luck next time. It does hurt though, I have a boyfriend who constantly talks about spending our lives together and I don't know how to tell him that I'm not sure if i'll be able to live that long, my own body and skin disgust me and my life is worth nothing but to make his happier and I don't know how long I can keep doing this. I want that future with him so badly but i can't see myself ever getting better.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd feel so tired, it sounds like you are suffering a lot, existence really is so cruel. But anyway best wishes.