always a walking target

[wiIIow]

Why is this? What is it that causes one to be a target for bullying and harassment wherever one goes, specifically work environments?

I keep to my fucking self I am nice to everybody and do my job very well, everywhere I go. Yet there is always that one person that becomes determined to tear and wear me down. and they do. they prod and poke and jab over and over, day in day out, until I can't fucking take it anymore and I run away like a little bitch. I always run away. I was sick of running away so this time I tried confronting the man at my current job who has been doing this to me. that was a bad idea because he proceeded to subject me to the most disrespectful, belittling and dehumanizing treatment that day. Worked myself all up for the dreaded Confrontation(tm) all for nothing. probably doesn't help that the guy despises women, and doesn't even attempt to hide it

I don't know what to do anymore I just "want" to have a job where I'm left the fuck alone, I do my fucking work and then I go the fuck home. Why is it always like this, I can't take it anymore I've genuinely lost hope for any ability to support myself financially and still stay sane.

I feel like I'm always walking through life with a target on my back. Is this my own doing? sometimes I wonder if I've accepted a victim role and keep perpetuating it somehow, or if it's specifically my quiet nature or my competence in any job I'm given. I just want it to stop. leave me the fuck alone and let me do my fucking job

the kicker is, the company is already too broke to hire and train any new people. this guy is one of the fuckers in charge! he knows the situation, and still hes willing to sabotage one of his top performers, literally lose the company money, for the sake of... control? feeding his own ego? putting me in my fucking place? what a stupid cunt.

I am genuinely losing my actual mind, I'm spiralling out of control and I can't get my head back on straight. I just want it to stop.

 

[throwaway123]

i know how you feel.
i wish i knew what to say but i dont

 

[salvation]

I dont know but what people have done to me is horrible

Thrown in trashcans, head slammed,beaten up, insulted, got my arm broken...

The pain from all of this is too much

 

[Johnnythefox]

Why is this? What is it that causes one to be a target for bullying and harassment wherever one goes, specifically work environments?

I keep to my fucking self I am nice to everybody and do my job very well, everywhere I go. Yet there is always that one person that becomes determined to tear and wear me down. and they do. they prod and poke and jab over and over, day in day out, until I can't fucking take it anymore and I run away like a little bitch. I always run away. I was sick of running away so this time I tried confronting the man at my current job who has been doing this to me. that was a bad idea because he proceeded to subject me to the most disrespectful, belittling and dehumanizing treatment that day. Worked myself all up for the dreaded Confrontation(tm) all for nothing. probably doesn't help that the guy despises women, and doesn't even attempt to hide it

I don't know what to do anymore I just "want" to have a job where I'm left the fuck alone, I do my fucking work and then I go the fuck home. Why is it always like this, I can't take it anymore I've genuinely lost hope for any ability to support myself financially and still stay sane.

I feel like I'm always walking through life with a target on my back. Is this my own doing? sometimes I wonder if I've accepted a victim role and keep perpetuating it somehow, or if it's specifically my quiet nature or my competence in any job I'm given. I just want it to stop. leave me the fuck alone and let me do my fucking job

the kicker is, the company is already too broke to hire and train any new people. this guy is one of the fuckers in charge! he knows the situation, and still hes willing to sabotage one of his top performers, literally lose the company money, for the sake of... control? feeding his own ego? putting me in my fucking place? what a stupid cunt.

I am genuinely losing my actual mind, I'm spiralling out of control and I can't get my head back on straight. I just want it to stop.

I know exactly how you feel, I think a lot of it has to do with jealousy also,the cunt is probably so insecure as well, I bet he goes home and puts on his troll hat. I don't actively seek employment anymore owing to arseholes like him, I would kill the next fucker in a work place who gave me any shite. I'm sick of it, I've had to deal with that shite in just about every job I've had, when like you I've just been doing a fucking job the best I could.

 

[mattwitt]

Not wanting to go back to work and dealing with people and their crap and companies and their crap is the # 1 reason why I have been planning and preparing to ctb. My body and my nerves just can't take it anymore !

 

[ithappens]

Every job I've ever had except for one had an abusive manager. I think it's a control thing, the moment you give a pathetic, desperate person the illusion of power they're going to abuse it because it's the only way they get to feel like they're worth anything (they're not). I've found the solution to most of my problems is to just stop being a kind person.

Someone's on my ass about a non-issue/something I can't control? I flip out on them and tell them off, IDC if they don't like it. IDC if I get fired either, I am a human being and you will not speak to me like that.

Ironically I've found that people treat me much better these days, not because they are kind but because they fear the whiplash (verbal or physical). The only thing that will keep other people under control is their fear of you, because most humans are disgusting, primitive animals that still play the game of "which howler monkey can scream the loudest??" 9.9

 

[Misanthrope]

Hello Willow, sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. Before I can give you some practical advice I need to know if you are in the UK? If not I will need to be a bit more generalist. Your employer is obligated to provide a safe workspace under various legislation and should have policies of their own to that effect. You should try and find out what those policies are and what the grievance procedure is. You have every right to not feel harassed and intimidated at your place of work. You have mentioned that this guy is in charge but is there someone above him or in an equal position? Any other women he is vulgar with? Anyone else taken grievances against him or are the rest tolerating of him or actually like him? What is the social situation like there?

I feel like I'm always walking through life with a target on my back. Is this my own doing? sometimes I wonder if I've accepted a victim role and keep perpetuating it somehow, or if it's specifically my quiet nature or my competence in any job I'm given.

It is not your own doing. There are just assholes in the world that look for certain non-verbal signals of submission or the 'easy mark' or are intimidated by competence. Those signals often come from lack of confidence or a past of being abused or bullied and then it gets magnified becoming the equivalent of blood in the water to sharks. It is not anything you are consciously doing. Sad to say the quiet, anxious and nice pacifists loners of the world who want to be left alone get a raw deal or wind up used like ever agreeable doormats. To break that signalling is a hard journey, one I have taken myself but one I will happily share with you if you like?

No one chooses to be a victim, and those who do are obviously damaged from prior victimisation which has warped self-identity. It is one of the worst things I have seen personally as it happened to my mother and plenty of my former clients. You are not that far gone Willow, your actions recently demonstrate that. There is no value in self-blame when it comes to the behaviour of others outside of your control.

Well done for actually digging deep and standing up for yourself. It may not seem like you achieved anything of note. But even just tentatively pushing back is the start of drawing a firm boundary one I hope you can harden. It is also something you did for yourself and you should be proud you took the risk and tried it even if it was anxiety provoking, you went against all that and still did it! Try and acknowledge that much at least. So don't see it as a complete failure. You took back some power for yourself that is no small thing. It is the first warning sign to your harasser of some fight back. If they are engaged in sexist diatribes against you then it is possible to weaponsise that while simultaneously hardening your boundaries and getting the work environment you want. One thing bullies hate are potential consequences.

I will get back to you when I know more and my health allows it. Take care, Willow.

 

[Johnnythefox]

Hello Willow, sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. Before I can give you some practical advice I need to know if you are in the UK? If not I will need to be a bit more generalist. Your employer is obligated to provide a safe workspace under various legislation and should have policies of their own to that effect. You should try and find out what those policies are and what the grievance procedure is. You have every right to not feel harassed and intimidated at your place of work. You have mentioned that this guy is in charge but is there someone above him or in an equal position? Any other women he is vulgar with? Anyone else taken grievances against him or are the rest tolerating of him or actually like him? What is the social situation like there?



It is not your own doing. There are just assholes in the world that look for certain non-verbal signals of submission or the 'easy mark' or are intimidated by competence. Those signals often come from lack of confidence or a past of being abused or bullied and then it gets magnified becoming the equivalent of blood in the water to sharks. It is not anything you are consciously doing. Sad to say the quiet, anxious and nice pacifists loners of the world who want to be left alone get a raw deal or wind up used like ever agreeable doormats. To break that signalling is a hard journey, one I have taken myself but one I will happily share with you if you like?

No one chooses to be a victim, and those who do are obviously damaged from prior victimisation which has warped self-identity. It is one of the worst things I have seen personally as it happened to my mother and plenty of my former clients. You are not that far gone Willow, your actions recently demonstrate that. There is no value in self-blame when it comes to the behaviour of others outside of your control.

Well done for actually digging deep and standing up for yourself. It may not seem like you achieved anything of note. But even just tentatively pushing back is the start of drawing a firm boundary one I hope you can harden. It is also something you did for yourself and you should be proud you took the risk and tried it even if it was anxiety provoking, you went against all that and still did it! Try and acknowledge that much at least. So don't see it as a complete failure. You took back some power for yourself that is no small thing. It is the first warning sign to your harasser of some fight back. If they are engaged in sexist diatribes against you then it is possible to weaponsise that while simultaneously hardening your boundaries and getting the work environment you want. One thing bullies hate are potential consequences.

I will get back to you when I know more and my health allows it. Take care, Willow.

Very well said yet again @Misanthrope.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I'm sorry willow. I think it's so hard if you feel like you're always sort of on the outside and you can't make inroads or earn enough seniority to have any real say in what goes on.

The people who have worked at a job a while tend to feel pretty secure - they've ensconced themselves within the social and professional ranks of the place and feel like they can get away with mouthing off to those who are new or unsure of themselves. All I can say is that I hope things turn around for you.

 

[wiIIow]

Hello Willow, sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. Before I can give you some practical advice I need to know if you are in the UK? If not I will need to be a bit more generalist. Your employer is obligated to provide a safe workspace under various legislation and should have policies of their own to that effect. You should try and find out what those policies are and what the grievance procedure is. You have every right to not feel harassed and intimidated at your place of work. You have mentioned that this guy is in charge but is there someone above him or in an equal position? Any other women he is vulgar with? Anyone else taken grievances against him or are the rest tolerating of him or actually like him? What is the social situation like there?



It is not your own doing. There are just assholes in the world that look for certain non-verbal signals of submission or the 'easy mark' or are intimidated by competence. Those signals often come from lack of confidence or a past of being abused or bullied and then it gets magnified becoming the equivalent of blood in the water to sharks. It is not anything you are consciously doing. Sad to say the quiet, anxious and nice pacifists loners of the world who want to be left alone get a raw deal or wind up used like ever agreeable doormats. To break that signalling is a hard journey, one I have taken myself but one I will happily share with you if you like?

No one chooses to be a victim, and those who do are obviously damaged from prior victimisation which has warped self-identity. It is one of the worst things I have seen personally as it happened to my mother and plenty of my former clients. You are not that far gone Willow, your actions recently demonstrate that. There is no value in self-blame when it comes to the behaviour of others outside of your control.

Well done for actually digging deep and standing up for yourself. It may not seem like you achieved anything of note. But even just tentatively pushing back is the start of drawing a firm boundary one I hope you can harden. It is also something you did for yourself and you should be proud you took the risk and tried it even if it was anxiety provoking, you went against all that and still did it! Try and acknowledge that much at least. So don't see it as a complete failure. You took back some power for yourself that is no small thing. It is the first warning sign to your harasser of some fight back. If they are engaged in sexist diatribes against you then it is possible to weaponsise that while simultaneously hardening your boundaries and getting the work environment you want. One thing bullies hate are potential consequences.

I will get back to you when I know more and my health allows it. Take care, Willow.

first of all, thank you so much for this response, it did make me feel a little bit better

I live in the US. I'll try to sum up the situation the best I can.
So, there really... aren't any "policies" in place. This is a shady little shithole call center that just opened this office here a few months ago (they have another office elsewhere that's been around for years). There are no consistent rules, they change on the whim of The Asshole. He's not the boss, but he is the only person who knows how to compile/maintain the lists of numbers we call, thus putting him in a position of power.

Now, the Actual Boss... is a pansy. My boyfriend (a "manager," which has proven to mean "does all the dirty work that the boss doesnt want to do, and has no actual say in anything") already had a talk with Actual Boss a while back about Asshole's problem with micromamagement and abuse. He's not supposed to be allowed to do that kind of stuff. Yet, here we are

My job is an outright shitshow as it is; as I said before, they're literally too broke to hire anyone else, and there are no consistent rules. There was one girl that was suspended for 3 days for accidentally spilling coffee. He threatened to send me home for the rest of the week for Daring to have an honest discussion with him, telling me not to bring my Pity Party into his office... and then had the nerve to tell me to get back on the phone and smile. Later that night he invaded my personal space, cornered me, waved his fat cunty finger condescendingly in my face (while I was in the middle of a call) for drawing on my desk, even though I was the top caller in the office and it has been explicitly stated that as long as we are making x sales an hour we can do whatever we want. There's like 10 of us left there. The office will crumble if things continue this way. Nobody ever knows what's going on, and all the girls are in constant fear of his abuse. They won't stand up to him, and a couple of them think it's "no big deal" because he's also very manipulative and a master at gaslighting. I have the benefit of having had a mother and a long-term boyfriend/best friend of the same flavor, so I can smell that shit from a mile away (and get to suffer some nice flashbacks at work as well).

I'm planning on speaking with the boss today as a last-ditch effort, because I know I'm one of the people keeping this office alive. I doubt anything will change, he'll probably be really understanding and offer me a raise, and then nothing will change.

 

[Johnnythefox]

first of all, thank you so much for this response, it did make me feel a little bit better

I live in the US. I'll try to sum up the situation the best I can.
So, there really... aren't any "policies" in place. This is a shady little shithole call center that just opened this office here a few months ago (they have another office elsewhere that's been around for years). There are no consistent rules, they change on the whim of The Asshole. He's not the boss, but he is the only person who knows how to compile/maintain the lists of numbers we call, thus putting him in a position of power.

Now, the Actual Boss... is a pansy. My boyfriend (a "manager," which has proven to mean "does all the dirty work that the boss doesnt want to do, and has no actual say in anything") already had a talk with Actual Boss a while back about Asshole's problem with micromamagement and abuse. He's not supposed to be allowed to do that kind of stuff. Yet, here we are

My job is an outright shitshow as it is; as I said before, they're literally too broke to hire anyone else, and there are no consistent rules. There was one girl that was suspended for 3 days for accidentally spilling coffee. He threatened to send me home for the rest of the week for Daring to have an honest discussion with him, telling me not to bring my Pity Party into his office... and then had the nerve to tell me to get back on the phone and smile. Later that night he invaded my personal space, cornered me, waved his fat cunty finger condescendingly in my face (while I was in the middle of a call) for drawing on my desk, even though I was the top caller in the office and it has been explicitly stated that as long as we are making x sales an hour we can do whatever we want. There's like 10 of us left there. The office will crumble if things continue this way. Nobody ever knows what's going on, and all the girls are in constant fear of his abuse. They won't stand up to him, and a couple of them think it's "no big deal" because he's also very manipulative and a master at gaslighting. I have the benefit of having had a mother and a long-term boyfriend/best friend of the same flavor, so I can smell that shit from a mile away (and get to suffer some nice flashbacks at work as well).

I'm planning on speaking with the boss today as a last-ditch effort, because I know I'm one of the people keeping this office alive. I doubt anything will change, he'll probably be really understanding and offer me a raise, and then nothing will change.

I would video him incognito, send the video to whoever owns the shit hole and ask if they condone his behaviour. If I got no satisfaction, I'd then youtube him anonymously.

 

[silentsinger]

I dont know but what people have done to me is horrible

Thrown in trashcans, head slammed,beaten up, insulted, got my arm broken...

The pain from all of this is too much

I find it so upsetting that scumbags (and that's putting it politely) would do such a thing to you or anyone else. Being treated in such a manner is horrific but it is almost always the psychological effects of such cruelty that leave the deepest scars. I'm just so sorry that you have had to endure that kind of treatment.

 

[Eeyore]

There is always an asshole but be strong. Don't let them fuck with you. Be very evil but in a calm way.

 

[Misanthrope]

How did you get on?

What follows are simply some suggestion taking account of what you said. Take it with a pinch of salt though as I don't know your exact circumstances nor American law.

What you wrote is disturbing to me as no one should live in fear to simply earn a wage, women, men or otherwise. It is unacceptable, so my suggestion is to start documenting everything. Pretty much like a diary of Scumbags behaviour, what he says, when he says it. Write down past events as well to the best of your ability. If you can encourage the others who are afraid, to do so as well that would be greatly beneficial as you build up a body of evidence in writing from multiple sources over a short span of time. That may be hard though as it seems there is a lot of fear to contend with. You have tried the informal route so it is time to escalate things.

Keep detailed paper records. I would not though advise recording with any kind of device unless you are very careful about it. The Uk has utterly absurd one-sided laws around that and it can backfire on the client terribly. Even more so as you are in a call centre. I briefly looked at American laws and they are just as batshit and one-sided as here if not worse. I mean you could record for personal use, so your written documentation is accurate. But if you have to use that recording in future you will likely be at the point you lost your job anyway. Seems employers can record you with impunity but you can't record them... The joys of one-sided systems.

It is important you manage to distance yourself from this man mentally however hurtful and unpleasant he is. Try and view him as prey and you are the patient hunter laying a trap. So every outpouring of abuse is actually a good thing, he is digging himself a deeper hole which you will get the pleasure of shoving him in. Also, hold onto the awareness that the person talking is a piece of shit. Pieces of shit have nothing of value to say. Internalise nothing, ruminate on nothing, blame yourself for nothing. Just let disdain fester and keep your focus on the hunt and accurate notes. If you need to ridicule him in your mind to do it you should do so.

If your real boss is a pansy you can exploit that by presenting a greater fear. If nothing has come of your various conversations with him. You could present him the written evidence, (Make copies of it all prior just in case it gets conveniently lost.) Sit in the office with him and ask him to read it all. Regardless of what he says you should talk about the serious nature of sexism, and abuse and maybe drop some dreaded words of, 'discrimination,' 'sexism' and 'seeking advice.' However, try and couch this language as if this is not a road you want to take but things need to meaningfully change. If he tries appeasing you with raises or better hours. Turn it around on him and point out it is not just about you but everyone who works there who deserves to not be victimised. Exploit psychology make it personal, ask him would he tolerate anyone behaving like that with any of his own female loved ones? With that paper on the table, it changes the scope of things. He will have to think about it more seriously aware that you now present the danger of escalating things all because of one rogue employee.

You all deserve better. Can't guarantee it will work sadly, but it may be worth the risk. Since we spend so much of our lives at work, work being toxic to our well being is a recipe for breakdown. So if the worse comes to worst, maybe rolling the dice on a new job and new environment is not such a bad thing.

I wish you all the best. (Apologies for poor grammar lacked the focus to edit.)

 

[wiIIow]

How did you get on?

What follows are simply some suggestion taking account of what you said. Take it with a pinch of salt though as I don't know your exact circumstances nor American law.

What you wrote is disturbing to me as no one should live in fear to simply earn a wage, women, men or otherwise. It is unacceptable, so my suggestion is to start documenting everything. Pretty much like a diary of Scumbags behaviour, what he says, when he says it. Write down past events as well to the best of your ability. If you can encourage the others who are afraid, to do so as well that would be greatly beneficial as you build up a body of evidence in writing from multiple sources over a short span of time. That may be hard though as it seems there is a lot of fear to contend with. You have tried the informal route so it is time to escalate things.

Keep detailed paper records. I would not though advise recording with any kind of device unless you are very careful about it. The Uk has utterly absurd one-sided laws around that and it can backfire on the client terribly. Even more so as you are in a call centre. I briefly looked at American laws and they are just as batshit and one-sided as here if not worse. I mean you could record for personal use, so your written documentation is accurate. But if you have to use that recording in future you will likely be at the point you lost your job anyway. Seems employers can record you with impunity but you can't record them... The joys of one-sided systems.

It is important you manage to distance yourself from this man mentally however hurtful and unpleasant he is. Try and view him as prey and you are the patient hunter laying a trap. So every outpouring of abuse is actually a good thing, he is digging himself a deeper hole which you will get the pleasure of shoving him in. Also, hold onto the awareness that the person talking is a piece of shit. Pieces of shit have nothing of value to say. Internalise nothing, ruminate on nothing, blame yourself for nothing. Just let disdain fester and keep your focus on the hunt and accurate notes. If you need to ridicule him in your mind to do it you should do so.

If your real boss is a pansy you can exploit that by presenting a greater fear. If nothing has come of your various conversations with him. You could present him the written evidence, (Make copies of it all prior just in case it gets conveniently lost.) Sit in the office with him and ask him to read it all. Regardless of what he says you should talk about the serious nature of sexism, and abuse and maybe drop some dreaded words of, 'discrimination,' 'sexism' and 'seeking advice.' However, try and couch this language as if this is not a road you want to take but things need to meaningfully change. If he tries appeasing you with raises or better hours. Turn it around on him and point out it is not just about you but everyone who works there who deserves to not be victimised. Exploit psychology make it personal, ask him would he tolerate anyone behaving like that with any of his own female loved ones? With that paper on the table, it changes the scope of things. He will have to think about it more seriously aware that you now present the danger of escalating things all because of one rogue employee.

You all deserve better. Can't guarantee it will work sadly, but it may be worth the risk. Since we spend so much of our lives at work, work being toxic to our well being is a recipe for breakdown. So if the worse comes to worst, maybe rolling the dice on a new job and new environment is not such a bad thing.

I wish you all the best. (Apologies for poor grammar lacked the focus to edit.)

i don't have the energy to write any thought-out or meaningful response, but I just want to say thank you for taking the time to write this out despite what you may be struggling with right now.

Ultimately I don't have the energy or confidence to fight a battle with a small, shady and barely legitimate company that's paying me just enough to live. For this reason I've been sending out applications every night. Many instant rejection letters so far, unsurprising considering my inability to hold down a fucking job

this dance gets to be exhausting.

 

[kohaku]

There's always a sadist out there looking for an easy target. The quiet ones always look easy to harass. The timid ones. A bully's goal is always to assert power over their target. Stating the obvious here. I've been through it, but only when I was a child, which, well... Got me where I am right now, on this forum. I wish you the very best trying to cope with this situation, in the very least, if taking direct action feels too difficult for you.

Only advice I can offer is taking different approaches with different attitudes until you might just get him to fuck off. Either way, good luck. My condolences go out to you. There are a lot of these kinds of people in this world, and sadly, a lot of them are abused people themselves who are continuing the cycle. But some are just plain psychopaths. It fucking sucks.

 

[Jodes]

i don't have the energy to write any thought-out or meaningful response, but I just want to say thank you for taking the time to write this out despite what you may be struggling with right now.

Ultimately I don't have the energy or confidence to fight a battle with a small, shady and barely legitimate company that's paying me just enough to live. For this reason I've been sending out applications every night. Many instant rejection letters so far, unsurprising considering my inability to hold down a fucking job

this dance gets to be exhausting.

Small companies are easier to hit with rules that can be Googled. It's not perfectly easy, but start with obvious statutes? Just send them one letter referencing the paragraphs that could crusify them. They will not waste the time, effort and risk to fight it. If you look like you'll put up a bit of a fight, (think ahead a step or two and show it, ) they'll back off. You don't even need an accountant or lawyer. Just a well drafted letter. Keep a copy, and send it signed for. Ask them to confirm receipt ASAP so they can be pressured to a timeline. Finally, say how you will escalate it if you have to. Bluff a little, but make it count. Just a bit of researching, maybe with a little help, and a nice friendly letter :-D