Story Alright you guys let's see how much proverbial balls I've got.

[Echo81]

May be a bit of a ramble. Its Wednesday mid-afternoon.
I booked a room in my favorite hotel ever at the beach next door to where I used to live until November when I....fucked up big time....
Method- SN.
Every time I do not ctb thinking life will get better, the opposite happens. Every time I think the ocean is so beautiful today, the birds sound so happy, the air feels so perfect, my sister is pregnant, I want to eat this or watch that etc etc DISTRACTIONS. NO MORE.
So many tears, so much depression. I feel the evil entity attached to me. It will never stop until I am completely destroyed. I have to escape this presence. It is very strong and have made it powerful by reacting the way it wants me too- fear, sadness, depression, anger, alcoholism, self harm. This is not life.
I have tried. Ohhhh trust me I have tried. I can and know how to be happy. I am also very good at laughing and having fun. Its part of what has kept me alive. My pets, family, this beautiful state I live in, the beach, everything.
Check in is at 4pm pst.
Until then I gather my things, pray and reflect.
I believe I am ready. I only have 1 bottle of SN which is stressful.
Talk talk talk L talks a big game why don't you pick your fucking poison and get it over with. You can't get succeed with any goal can you? Always a quitter. Loser. Everyone knows what you did. My cats. Hell. These are some of the thoughts in my head.
Fasting since yesterday afternoon, ate and drank very sparingly yesterday.
It is 12.32pm right now and have had no food and 8 ounces of water.
Last alcohol use- Monday afternoon/evening- vodka
Do NOT have prescription AE.
I am rh-. We have higher blood oxygen levels and I am concerned about the dosage of SN.
I plan on smoking cigarettes to help counter this.
This is more of an accountability post. I have had an entire life of trauma it's clearly not going to fucking change. I cannot forget the past. I am scared of the future and I am alone I don't even have my fucking cats which is pretty much the worst besides what I know this will do to my mother..
Alright I will update after checking in to hotel.

Edit- have checked in. Went for a 2 mile walk on the beach.
I need to be honest I had 3 shots of vodka. I'm sorry but I'm really nervous. Am listening to Buddhist chants.
I am still in for this it was just hard being back here.
And dammit I'm hungry lol.

 

[Echo81]

Just checking in. Need to reset my fast. I got ill. Have hotel room for one more day. And it gives me more time to prepare.

 

[higgy56]

Best of luck making the right choice

 

[Echo81]

Just checking in. Need to reset my fast. I got ill. Have hotel room for one more day. And it gives me more time to prepare.

Guess it's that good ole SI kicking in.....

 

[color_me_gone]

SI is a tough cookie, it's what keeps most of us here, so don't be hard on yourself.

 

[booray]

OP, don't beat yourself up if you're not able to go through with it. We respect your decision whatever that may be. I certainly hope that nobody here really wants you to prove that you have the balls to kill yourself, as stated in the title of your post.

 

[RowdyH999]

H

Guess it's that good ole SI kicking in.....

How's it going today? Enjoy the beach some more?

 

[Echo81]

H

How's it going today? Enjoy the beach some more?

Yes thank you for asking It is cold and windy. I have spent the day praying and deciding which prayers I want to be playing during the process. Am getting ready to begin taking some of the recommended medications. Am nervous about being able to keep the SN down but there is only one way to find out. Am trying hard to be calm. It is presently 7pm.

 

[booray]

Echo81, I was just re-reading your introductory thread and had forgotten that we had exchanged messages. Glad to hear that you're going with SN rather than the detergent method. I think that will be much more peaceful. We are here for you if you need us.

 

[RowdyH999]

Yes thank you for asking It is cold and windy. I have spent the day praying and deciding which prayers I want to be playing during the process. Am getting ready to begin taking some of the recommended medications. Am nervous about being able to keep the SN down but there is only one way to find out. Am trying hard to be calm. It is presently 7pm.

please keep us updated :) I wish you well on your journey brother.

 

[Echo81]

Echo81, I was just re-reading your introductory thread and had forgotten that we had exchanged messages. Glad to hear that you're going with SN rather than the detergent method. I think that will be much more peaceful for you. We are here for you.

Oh yes thank you for that. The thing that's bothering me is someone other than a first responder finding me. I am very loathe to do that to an innocent person but I have written a big sign and will not send any delayed email as there are many scenarios that could play out besides 100% success. I know this sounds word but I feel like it would be easier for a stranger to find me rather than someone who knows me.

 

[Roadkill]

I also want to kill myself, but whenever I see someone else on this board planning to ctb, I always want to say, "DON'T DO IT!"

 

[lofticries]

I don't know you well but I just want to say that I hope you find peace. And if you decide now isn't the time then that'll be okay as well.

Also, that is a beautiful cat in your avy. I don't know what its laying on but it reminds me of when my cat used to lay on my backpack after school.

 

[Echo81]

I don't know you well but I just want to say that I hope you find peace. And if you decide now isn't the time then that'll be okay as well.

Also, that is a beautiful cat in your avy. I don't know what its laying on but it reminds me of when my cat used to lay on my backpack after school.

Thank you. I don't know what she is. Basically just a bunch of fluffy floof and neverending begging called Stella. My mom has my cats right now. I am nothing without them.

please keep us updated :) I wish you well on your journey brother.

Thank you! ima girl:)

 

[booray]

I wish you a most peaceful journey.

 

[Echo81]

8.30 advil pm
9.30.2 of omelrazole and 2 anti nausea pills with some water. My stomach was emtpy. Also 4 cbd gummies.
I am calm but want to take more of the ibuprofen pms when I take the antacid and one more of the anti nausea.
Got some bit of a stomachache. Wish I hadn't taken the omeprazole.
My room wasn't available for tomorrow but they gave me a different room.
I'm frustrated with the fasting because it's making me sick with the pills. I think I should not be doing a long fast.

 

[Echo81]

Update- still here fighting with myself. Or against. I hate myself.

 

[booray]

Of course you are. Nothing about suicide is easy.
Let me suggest something to you. If I'm not mistaken, you've been at this for three days and nights now. If you're struggling this much, then maybe this is not the right time. You can always try again later. There is no shame in failure when it comes to suicide.

 

[Echo81]

Of course you are. Nothing about suicide is easy.
Let me suggest something to you. If I'm not mistaken, you've been at this for three days and nights now. If you're struggling this much, then maybe this is not the right time. You can always try again later. There is no shame in failure when it comes to suicide.

Yep now it's day 4:) day 4 inside 29 years. One of these years I'll get it right.