Story Almost got caught, now i'm just a ball of anxiety

[Helpneedtips]

Hello, been lurking awhile on this forum, but my first time posting. I guess just needed to vent so badly. During this whole lockdown, I did sonething stupid. I stopped doing my work. Occasionally, i suddenly go into this bad head space where i stop caring about everything. Its awful. I hate myself for doing it, but i just cant stop. It's been more than 2 months now, my company will probably sue me for breaking contract (I received a letter from them). While this has been of trigger for me wanting to ctb again, its certainly not the first.

for my whole life, I've had this awful pattern. I do well -> something minor triggers my depression/anxiety -> i go into this empty mental state where i dont care about anything -> i contemplate ctb -> i turn around and promise to recover -> things are good for awhile, but i fuck up and repeat the process. I'm tired, and i just want this to end. So I study suicide methods. I go for partial, because its the only method feasible in my current situation (lockdown), i've been trying for several days now, but i just cant pass out. Ive tried different positions, ligature placement, with padding, no padding and all i get is exploding head feeling, sore throat and petechiae (blood marks on face).

And worse, my brother noticed the red dots on my face. He's a nurse, so he kept questioning me: does it feel itchy/hurt, are they rashes etc..? (he hasnt figured out its petechiae at this point) Ive waved him off that its probably the heat since i went out for errands, but im not sure he's convinced. Now i cant even attempt to hang myself, because im too freaked that he's onto me and he'll find out that im trying to kill myself if i keep on attempting. I just wanna jump off a building or something, but i cant even travel to a high rise because travel restrictions. Aaaaa help me

 

[pebpebpebpeb]

Hello, been lurking awhile on this forum, but my first time posting. I guess just needed to vent so badly. During this whole lockdown, I did sonething stupid. I stopped doing my work. Occasionally, i suddenly go into this bad head space where i stop caring about everything. Its awful. I hate myself for doing it, but i just cant stop. It's been more than 2 months now, my company will probably sue me for breaking contract (I received a letter from them). While this has been of trigger for me wanting to ctb again, its certainly not the first.

for my whole life, I've had this awful pattern. I do well -> something minor triggers my depression/anxiety -> i go into this empty mental state where i dont care about anything -> i contemplate ctb -> i turn around and promise to recover -> things are good for awhile, but i fuck up and repeat the process. I'm tired, and i just want this to end. So I study suicide methods. I go for partial, because its the only method feasible in my current situation (lockdown), i've been trying for several days now, but i just cant pass out. Ive tried different positions, ligature placement, with padding, no padding and all i get is exploding head feeling, sore throat and petechiae (blood marks on face).

And worse, my brother noticed the red dots on my face. He's a nurse, so he kept questioning me: does it feel itchy/hurt, are they rashes etc..? (he hasnt figured out its petechiae at this point) Ive waved him off that its probably the heat since i went out for errands, but im not sure he's convinced. Now i cant even attempt to hang myself, because im too freaked that he's onto me and he'll find out that im trying to kill myself if i keep on attempting. I just wanna jump off a building or something, but i cant even travel to a high rise because travel restrictions. Aaaaa help me

i know how it feels. ive tried hanging before as well, and its hard to pull off. i think if you cant get yourself to successfully partial hang, then its not your time yet. its like your bodys way of saying that it wants to do more things, it doesnt want to go. i sound like a big hippie right now, and what i said isnt scientifically correct, but i see it that way.

being happy and then getting depressed, then repeat. its a struggle, and yknow maybe one day you'll have more happy time before things go down. i cant promise you constant happiness, thats not how life works. ask yourself r do you want happiness, or nothing at all? because well, if youre dead you dont feel, see, or do anything. im not religious so thats how i see it

 

[FriendofDeath]

You said something minor happens and it triggers your anxiety/depression. I was wondering if you ever worked with a professional - therapist, doctor, psychiatrist? When I read what you wrote, it seems like you have been bouncing back and forth on your own, which is tough. What if there was something that could take the edge off? That would give you a chance?

Right now I know you don't see any light. When it comes to this, though, you don't want to be impulsive. Your last words show you're overwhelmed. I certainly support an individual's right to choose, but I would love to see you slow down and explore all of your options.

 

[Deleted member 14386]

I feel ya man, my bro found my ctb note. He was helpful, but I get it's rough dealing with the anxiety. I can't advise, but what I did was to play an act, I believe (paranoid-ily probably) that they are reading my posts. So I play an act, they're never sure of which one; the hateful one, the ctbing one, the hopeful one, the scheming one, the bad one, the good one etc. It's very hard.

I would explore all other options if possible, can your brother help in any way? Could you tell him and trust he wont say anything?