Venting almost felt "normal"

[sleepy10]

first i want to start off by saying i feel like i use this platform as my "suicide facebook" haha what i cant actually reveal to all the normal happy people in the world i can reveal here without judgement or condemnation or someone sending me the suicide hotline number thinking they are helping. so for about threeish days i felt "normal" there is a situationship i have going on with a guy in chicago. he doesnt know i want to put a bullet in my brain because hed probably want to find me "help" but thats besides the point. We talked to each other just about nonsense i went to the grocery store i cooked cleaned and kind of tended to the home. oh we even put up a christmas tree and it didnt make me feel entirely depressed. i know it sounds mondain but i kind of enjoyed it. we also have really amazing sex and thats always really nice. We argue like a couple that should probably get a divorce but we F*** like we're in love. or maybe we just F*** like we are both two sucidal people and for some reason people who want to die have the best intercourse' haha he reveled to me that hes not really happy but feels a source of happiness when i am there. i keep him at arms length because at any moment i could ctb and dont want to hurt more people not that to many people would actually even shed a tear once im gone but still its the thought you know. Oh also my family thinks ive been taking my meds....i most definatly have not. My mother and my sister said they see a difrence in me and can tell the pills are helping i assure them that is false becauase i have not been taking them. i just decided to not talk about how badly i want to die infront of them anymore. Its crazy how we can pretend so much and it truly is so exhasuting i feel like im running a marathon everyday, and as someone who has ran a marthon thats saying alot.

 

[greatgooglymoogly]

Yeah it's really a weird feeling.

Some days my act feels like it takes Herculean effort to keep up and some days I feel like I'm just barely coasting. Sometimes I do start to feel normal for a bit like you described but I know it's not "real." Feels so messed up sometimes how all the worst thoughts can just coexist right underneath those momentary good feelings.

 

[MeltingBrain]

This is a one of a kind place .
Glad to hear that you are recieving affection from your partner .

Pretending keeps taking a toll emotionally.

The more the truth diverges from the facade we present as the truth to the world the more the toll .

 

[DukeDestroyer]

It's almost impossible to maintain the feeling of normalcy. The last time I actually felt that way was back in early October of 2019. My mental state has been declining ever since. And it doesn't look like it's getting better. My anxiety is through the roof, it got so bad that I had to quit caffeine. That only helped a little. My depression is shows its face every once in a while. I've suicidal for at least twenty years. My brain is legitimately a piece of shit.

 

[sleepy10]

Yeah it's really a weird feeling.

Some days my act feels like it takes Herculean effort to keep up and some days I feel like I'm just barely coasting. Sometimes I do start to feel normal for a bit like you described but I know it's not "real." Feels so messed up sometimes how all the worst thoughts can just coexist right underneath those momentary good feelings.

I agree it really is crazy and i bit cruel, in the US we keep away from cruel and unusual punishment but the unaverse clearly does not believ in that. it is cruel and unusual to give people like myself and maybe even like you a glimpse of normal when its all an illusion like you had said.

It's almost impossible to maintain the feeling of normalcy. The last time I actually felt that way was back in early October of 2019. My mental state has been declining ever since. And it doesn't look like it's getting better. My anxiety is through the roof, it got so bad that I had to quit caffeine. That only helped a little. My depression is shows its face every once in a while. I've suicidal for at least twenty years. My brain is legitimately a piece of shit.

Its crazy how we can pinpoint the last time we felt "normal" my life was completely ripped away from me for no real reason and my happiness vanished over night. i completly relate to you about your brain being a peace of shit because mine really is too. I wish so badly for you to be happy and i really wish i could tell people it gets better but for some of us maybe it just doesnt.