Almost 30, still in Limbo - The myth of "perceived loneliness"

[NotToTouchTheEarth]

Hi there. Needed to vent a bit instead of trying to destroy the wall with my head, or vice versa. So here it goes. This is my first thread on this forum.

I am 29 years old. To subsist in life, I work as a filmmaker, writer, and engage in translation work. I have a couple friends, but no partner. I haven't had a long term relationship since 2016, when after 7 years together I lost my girlfriend because of my own mistakes. All I have lived in the last 7 years were fleeing things that ended up poorly, in either anger or abandonment, and never lasted more than a month. My creativity is not dead, not by a long shot, but my professional work isn't sought after as much as it used to be when I was younger. Even as an artist, I feel lonely ,and less talented than I used to be, since the network I used to have has disappeared the more I travelled back and forth continents, and the saddest I was getting, without ever finding neither "love" or "home".

People will say things like "lonely ?? but you have such close friends". The problem$ with that approach is the gap between what people call your "perceived loneliness" and the actual loneliness they assume you to be in solely based on social cues that are inherently hard to measure. My answer is always the same : It doesn't matter if you think I'm "not lonely enough" to justify my despair, since if I feel it, it means that it's real. These people do not understand how friendships work when all you have left to propose as an individual is the display of not only a very vague will to live but a global darkness that penetrates all social settings and discussions, the shadow of your former funny, tolerable self. Once you realize no one can help, because there is no way they could., you become nothing but a drag for those around you, the essence of darkness, wether they love you or not, and wether they admit it or not - I am alone.

I maintain social activity merely by providing people with psychedelic compound. In my mind, it's my other way to "help" along with art. That keeps my appartment vaguely busy a couples days a week, and deepens the hole that is my life. One could say I sell destruction, but I do not consider psychedelics to be destructive, AT ALL, and that's all I sell so fuck them. The only love I have left is the love induced by expanding consciousness on psychedelics, and the only people who still love me love me for what I could offer them.

Although it may not be true, I feel like I will never be loved anymore, which in turns becomes truth. I stay in my appartment and make experimental videos that I post on youtube or elsewhere. Creepy stuff, ARGs, weirdcore compilations, other stuff. I try my best to forget. But I'm not built to live without love. I think no one is. And I don't mean just being at the receiving end of love, but being able to love someone daily. Being useful. Being SOMETHING. Being needed. Giving. A lot. Loving. Shit. Just writing this brings back memories and make me want to forget.

Sometimes someone visits me, or tries to. But seeing the pity in the eyes of so called friends doesn't prevent one from feeling lonely - all of the contrary. So I stay either quiet, or very loud. Sometimes I pick a character, put on a mask, and just be that. Then the person leaves and I grab whatever opiate and benzos are on sight. Most of my life is spent in a state of anesthesia, which explains why I'm still here. A few youtube channels have done more for me than years of therapy. So yes. Loneliness, or "perceived loneliness", would be my number one reason to CTB if I ever managed a second attempt. Because I don't hate everything in life, and I surely don't hate everyone. But I hate being a waste, and living without love is no fucking life at all.

I just need people to talk to. I just need people who understand. And then we can build. Maybe. Stay longer; but for a reason. Living for the sake of living is an insult to intelligence. I don't even know how to connect with people ON THE INTERNET anymore. Where literally everyone seems to know how to do such a simple thing but me. So here I am, on a forum where I may just not be judged. A last attempt at being human, one could say. A bottle in the ocean.

Sorry for the wall of text.

 

[hill.berri]

Hello! I just want to start by saying that I love your way with words, it is clear you're a writer with the great way you express yourself.

On another note, I understand you completely. I used to be surrounded by friends and still felt alone. Due to my anxiety and lack of self confidence, it is also extremely difficult to make new friends, so I put all my need of connections in my cat.

I don't want to say it gets better, because I don't completely know you or your situation, but if you need someone to talk to, I'm here! Maybe this could be a first step to a better life!

P.S. I'm sorry for any errors in my writing, English isn't my first language

 

[S like suicide]

Hi there. Needed to vent a bit instead of trying to destroy the wall with my head, or vice versa. So here it goes. This is my first thread on this forum.

I am 29 years old. To subsist in life, I work as a filmmaker, writer, and engage in translation work. I have a couple friends, but no partner. I haven't had a long term relationship since 2016, when after 7 years together I lost my girlfriend because of my own mistakes. All I have lived in the last 7 years were fleeing things that ended up poorly, in either anger or abandonment, and never lasted more than a month. My creativity is not dead, not by a long shot, but my professional work isn't sought after as much as it used to be when I was younger. Even as an artist, I feel lonely ,and less talented than I used to be, since the network I used to have has disappeared the more I travelled back and forth continents, and the saddest I was getting, without ever finding neither "love" or "home".

People will say things like "lonely ?? but you have such close friends". The problem$ with that approach is the gap between what people call your "perceived loneliness" and the actual loneliness they assume you to be in solely based on social cues that are inherently hard to measure. My answer is always the same : It doesn't matter if you think I'm "not lonely enough" to justify my despair, since if I feel it, it means that it's real. These people do not understand how friendships work when all you have left to propose as an individual is the display of not only a very vague will to live but a global darkness that penetrates all social settings and discussions, the shadow of your former funny, tolerable self. Once you realize no one can help, because there is no way they could., you become nothing but a drag for those around you, the essence of darkness, wether they love you or not, and wether they admit it or not - I am alone.

I maintain social activity merely by providing people with psychedelic compound. In my mind, it's my other way to "help" along with art. That keeps my appartment vaguely busy a couples days a week, and deepens the hole that is my life. One could say I sell destruction, but I do not consider psychedelics to be destructive, AT ALL, and that's all I sell so fuck them. The only love I have left is the love induced by expanding consciousness on psychedelics, and the only people who still love me love me for what I could offer them.

Although it may not be true, I feel like I will never be loved anymore, which in turns becomes truth. I stay in my appartment and make experimental videos that I post on youtube or elsewhere. Creepy stuff, ARGs, weirdcore compilations, other stuff. I try my best to forget. But I'm not built to live without love. I think no one is. And I don't mean just being at the receiving end of love, but being able to love someone daily. Being useful. Being SOMETHING. Being needed. Giving. A lot. Loving. Shit. Just writing this brings back memories and make me want to forget.

Sometimes someone visits me, or tries to. But seeing the pity in the eyes of so called friends doesn't prevent one from feeling lonely - all of the contrary. So I stay either quiet, or very loud. Sometimes I pick a character, put on a mask, and just be that. Then the person leaves and I grab whatever opiate and benzos are on sight. Most of my life is spent in a state of anesthesia, which explains why I'm still here. A few youtube channels have done more for me than years of therapy. So yes. Loneliness, or "perceived loneliness", would be my number one reason to CTB if I ever managed a second attempt. Because I don't hate everything in life, and I surely don't hate everyone. But I hate being a waste, and living without love is no fucking life at all.

I just need people to talk to. I just need people who understand. And then we can build. Maybe. Stay longer; but for a reason. Living for the sake of living is an insult to intelligence. I don't even know how to connect with people ON THE INTERNET anymore. Where literally everyone seems to know how to do such a simple thing but me. So here I am, on a forum where I may just not be judged. A last attempt at being human, one could say. A bottle in the ocean.

Sorry for the wall of text.

I see a good plot for a movie here,a movie that definetly I would like to watch

I agree with this totally.

hate being a waste, and living without love is no fucking life at all.

 

[TabooMushroom2]

Hi there. Needed to vent a bit instead of trying to destroy the wall with my head, or vice versa. So here it goes. This is my first thread on this forum.

I am 29 years old. To subsist in life, I work as a filmmaker, writer, and engage in translation work. I have a couple friends, but no partner. I haven't had a long term relationship since 2016, when after 7 years together I lost my girlfriend because of my own mistakes. All I have lived in the last 7 years were fleeing things that ended up poorly, in either anger or abandonment, and never lasted more than a month. My creativity is not dead, not by a long shot, but my professional work isn't sought after as much as it used to be when I was younger. Even as an artist, I feel lonely ,and less talented than I used to be, since the network I used to have has disappeared the more I travelled back and forth continents, and the saddest I was getting, without ever finding neither "love" or "home".

People will say things like "lonely ?? but you have such close friends". The problem$ with that approach is the gap between what people call your "perceived loneliness" and the actual loneliness they assume you to be in solely based on social cues that are inherently hard to measure. My answer is always the same : It doesn't matter if you think I'm "not lonely enough" to justify my despair, since if I feel it, it means that it's real. These people do not understand how friendships work when all you have left to propose as an individual is the display of not only a very vague will to live but a global darkness that penetrates all social settings and discussions, the shadow of your former funny, tolerable self. Once you realize no one can help, because there is no way they could., you become nothing but a drag for those around you, the essence of darkness, wether they love you or not, and wether they admit it or not - I am alone.

I maintain social activity merely by providing people with psychedelic compound. In my mind, it's my other way to "help" along with art. That keeps my appartment vaguely busy a couples days a week, and deepens the hole that is my life. One could say I sell destruction, but I do not consider psychedelics to be destructive, AT ALL, and that's all I sell so fuck them. The only love I have left is the love induced by expanding consciousness on psychedelics, and the only people who still love me love me for what I could offer them.

Although it may not be true, I feel like I will never be loved anymore, which in turns becomes truth. I stay in my appartment and make experimental videos that I post on youtube or elsewhere. Creepy stuff, ARGs, weirdcore compilations, other stuff. I try my best to forget. But I'm not built to live without love. I think no one is. And I don't mean just being at the receiving end of love, but being able to love someone daily. Being useful. Being SOMETHING. Being needed. Giving. A lot. Loving. Shit. Just writing this brings back memories and make me want to forget.

Sometimes someone visits me, or tries to. But seeing the pity in the eyes of so called friends doesn't prevent one from feeling lonely - all of the contrary. So I stay either quiet, or very loud. Sometimes I pick a character, put on a mask, and just be that. Then the person leaves and I grab whatever opiate and benzos are on sight. Most of my life is spent in a state of anesthesia, which explains why I'm still here. A few youtube channels have done more for me than years of therapy. So yes. Loneliness, or "perceived loneliness", would be my number one reason to CTB if I ever managed a second attempt. Because I don't hate everything in life, and I surely don't hate everyone. But I hate being a waste, and living without love is no fucking life at all.

I just need people to talk to. I just need people who understand. And then we can build. Maybe. Stay longer; but for a reason. Living for the sake of living is an insult to intelligence. I don't even know how to connect with people ON THE INTERNET anymore. Where literally everyone seems to know how to do such a simple thing but me. So here I am, on a forum where I may just not be judged. A last attempt at being human, one could say. A bottle in the ocean.

Sorry for the wall of text.

Hi, I am also in the process of searching for friends, for friend for a long go. I am not sure if I am also searching for love, this doesn't mean no, just i do not know. But definitely first of all I want a good friend with whom I could have some similarities and do the same activities together. I already wrote some random people on internet not only on SaSu and i tried get some friendship from that, but i found out after couple of attempts that if i will just talk with them about random stuff, it would not much work for me and for them, the common activities are crucial for good grow of friendship, there would be plenty to choose from if we would live close like in same city, but we probably would be from different continents how it usually is if i wrote to randoms, so there is only one activity what i know it is possible to do on very long distances and that is cooperative video games. Do you play any? Do you want to try another attempt at friendship with me? You can PM me if you're not making friendship with someone already, because there are so many lonely people.