Venting All options are painful and I just can't take it anymore

[GrumpyFrog]

I'm sorry. I don't know what I am even looking for anymore. I am just in so much fucking pain. And I am terrified because all suicide options are painful. But, truth be told, I just can't take the suffering anymore. I am putting on a hell of a brave face, even on here, but in reality I now a have blood stain on the wall from where I was smashing my head against the wall, trying to knock myself out just for some little bit of escape from this. In reality I cry so much I didn't know it was possible to cry this much, from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. I can't do this anymore. Why can't I just quickly die? I just want the pain to stop. Is this so much to ask?
And no, doctors cannot help me. I am going to lose my job if I end up hospitalized, and I can't afford to lose my job.
I don't know what I'm looking for but idk, help? Somebody please help?? Can someone provide advice or something?
I know it is probably my most incoherent rant on here ever, but I struggle with putting this into words.

 

[regal20]

N is completely painless.

 

[universe]

I believe the less painful options are the N and H inhalation.

 

[Julgran]

I'm sorry. I don't know what I am even looking for anymore. I am just in so much fucking pain. And I am terrified because all suicide options are painful. But, truth be told, I just can't take the suffering anymore. I am putting on a hell of a brave face, even on here, but in reality I now a have blood stain on the wall from where I was smashing my head against the wall, trying to knock myself out just for some little bit of escape from this. In reality I cry so much I didn't know it was possible to cry this much, from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. I can't do this anymore. Why can't I just quickly die? I just want the pain to stop. Is this so much to ask?
And no, doctors cannot help me. I am going to lose my job if I end up hospitalized, and I can't afford to lose my job.
I don't know what I'm looking for but idk, help? Somebody please help?? Can someone provide advice or something?
I know it is probably my most incoherent rant on here ever, but I struggle with putting this into words.

You seem to deserve something better than this frail life - if only life was fair

 

[Shadowlord900]

If you have a lot of money and are fairly old or have a terminal illness, you could try to get help from Switzerland. Otherwise suicide is unfortunately incredibly difficult. From the sounds of it even N while being painless, is not completely free of discomfort unless if you can learn how to inject yourself.

 

[FuneralCry]

Wanting to be free from all pain is certainly not too much to ask, it's really so awful how it can be this difficult to leave this life behind. Feeling trapped here with no escape can just be so dreadful, if only peaceful methods were easily accessible then that would be ideal, but unfortunately that is not the reality. I wish you relief from your suffering.

 

[Nikki2020]

I cry all day as well. I'm so sorry. the pain seems unbearable I know this all too well. its been a yr of crying. I wish it wasn't so hard. I hope you can find peace somehow.

 

[freight_train]

SN is not painful from what I gathered. it's just uncomfortable, but tolerably uncomfortable considering how shitty existence is.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Are you on meds Nessie? Before I started taking them, I was inconsolable and tearful every day. I had horrible insomnia and panic attack after panic attack, all day long. If you really feel as bad as that, I hope you will consider getting on some type of medication. No it's not a silver bullet and will have some side effects but you might at least feel somewhat unfazed as I did. I think that's an improvement on what you have going on.

What they gave me was a one-two punch of an SSRI and a benzo. These do totally have their own set of problems, but my immediate suicidality abated and I was able to go about my days. And finally get some good sleep.

The way I see it, if you're not able to knock out these awful emotions and moods of your own volition, you need to be on something that will stabilize you. Please try that first, I would say above anything else if possible.

Wishing you luck and relief <3

 

[Lost Magic]

I feel your pain, Nessie. I used to cry every day as well until the doctor prescribed Fluoxetine. Now, I cry less but I still feel numb. I also drink Kratom tea (which helps relax me somewhat). I am more of a zombie now, but at least I don't have to feel the pain of living as much as I did before. Try and find something that makes this shit life more tolerable while you are still here. Try everything including meditation. Better trying to find something that eases the pain whilst you are still living. Banging your head against the wall will just make your life even more miserable, so please try to find other solutions my friend.

 

[CTB Dream]

Feel los know well, all option pain not Ble do anything. This terrible not have option feel trap stuck nobody help nobody know, doctor terrible. Advice not know , money Have method nitrogen can ,think many way possible nitro not only exit bag, liquid exit bag generator all way nitro. Real understanding word hard put, not know sll details, think even choose not ctb have method important backup always

 

[Efilismislife]

Just can say that I can relate so much
im very lost&desperate too cry everyday

but im also traumatized by the pain when dying
trapped

I'm sorry. I don't know what I am even looking for anymore. I am just in so much fucking pain. And I am terrified because all suicide options are painful. But, truth be told, I just can't take the suffering anymore. I am putting on a hell of a brave face, even on here, but in reality I now a have blood stain on the wall from where I was smashing my head against the wall, trying to knock myself out just for some little bit of escape from this. In reality I cry so much I didn't know it was possible to cry this much, from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. I can't do this anymore. Why can't I just quickly die? I just want the pain to stop. Is this so much to ask?
And no, doctors cannot help me. I am going to lose my job if I end up hospitalized, and I can't afford to lose my job.
I don't know what I'm looking for but idk, help? Somebody please help?? Can someone provide advice or something?
I know it is probably my most incoherent rant on here ever, but I struggle with putting this into words.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Thank you for responding to this incoherent mess, everyone. My deepest compassion to everyone who feels the same, I'm so sorry, none of you deserve to hurt so much, no one does. I hope there is a relief for all of us.

SN is not painful from what I gathered. it's just uncomfortable, but tolerably uncomfortable considering how shitty existence is.

You know, you are probably right. I encountered some people on here trying to convince users otherwise, that it is horrendously painful...but on the other hand I've seen way more people saying that it isn't, both people that witnessed an SN death and said that the person didn't seem to be in that much pain, and the ones that survived an attempt. So maybe this person just thinks that's a good way to talk someone out of ending their own life? To which I can say - I appreciate the intention, but on a site like this their approach is unlikely to work.

Are you on meds Nessie?

I've been on meds for a while, but this year was a rollercoaster with them going out of stock everywhere for long periods of time, and then when it was time to renew my prescription my psych refused, and told me that there are simply too many people seeking these drugs now and not enough pills for everyone, so now they don't prescribe meds to anyone except for the "complicated cases". Not sure if he really means complicated cases or hints at a bribe, our doctors do the latter a lot, gotta love the way free medical care works in my country. But I don't intend to bribe anyone.

I feel your pain, Nessie. I used to cry every day as well until the doctor prescribed Fluoxetine. Now, I cry less but I still feel numb. I also drink Kratom tea (which helps relax me somewhat). I am more of a zombie now, but at least I don't have to feel the pain of living as much as I did before. Try and find something that makes this shit life more tolerable while you are still here. Try everything including meditation. Better trying to find something that eases the pain whilst you are still living. Banging your head against the wall will just make your life even more miserable, so please try to find other solutions my friend.

Thank you! I'm sorry things are hard for you too. That is very sound advice. If only my two brain cells were capable of coming up with ideas on how to ease the pain...

 

[Cathy Ames]

I've been on meds for a while, but this year was a rollercoaster with them going out of stock everywhere for long periods of time, and then when it was time to renew my prescription my psych refused, and told me that there are simply too many people seeking these drugs now and not enough pills for everyone, so now they don't prescribe meds to anyone except for the "complicated cases".

Dang. It seems likely that this is a big contributor. I know you said the doctors cannot help you, but holy crap. I'm so sorry this (all of this stuff) is happening, Nessie.

 

[letsmakeitagoodworl]

I can relate, recently I was stuck in a mh unit for 3 months and by the end of it I was crying all the time &having panic attacks from how much weight I'd gained and I so badly wanted to not exist because it was unbearable. Im not saying it's better now but it has improved a bit. Suicide aside can you afford or get free therapy? That can help some pep alot. Also it sounds like maybe you aren't sleeping well? That can be a huge impactor on mood. I do hope things get better for you

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I can relate, recently I was stuck in a mh unit for 3 months and by the end of it I was crying all the time &having panic attacks from how much weight I'd gained and I so badly wanted to not exist because it was unbearable. Im not saying it's better now but it has improved a bit. Suicide aside can you afford or get free therapy? That can help some pep alot. Also it sounds like maybe you aren't sleeping well? That can be a huge impactor on mood. I do hope things get better for you

Thank you so much for your reply!
I can kind of afford therapy (some therapist do charge more than I can afford, but others are expensive but bearable). But I have many doubts and worries about it. I am worried I am not going to be taken seriously because other people have issues that are much worse. On the other hand, I am worried that I will be taken too seriously, because I've been turned down before with the therapist insisting I need to be hospitalized when I as much as vaguely hinted at suicidal thoughts. I am also afraid of bringing up what really bothers me, because it's political and very problematic and unless I will get my therapy online with a professional from another country, my therapist will have their own emotional stakes in the matter and I am afraid that it will mess everything up.
The advice is sound, though. I know that "go to therapy" is something most people on this site try to avoid hearing, but that's just because when this advice is given outside of this site it is often a sign of lack of understanding and empathy for suicidality and borderline magical thinking, or even worse - a veiled request to shut up and take your "negativity" to someone who is paid to listen to it. I do understand, however, that all people on here know damn well how it feels to be at the end of their rope and don't see therapy as the one and only acceptable solution that never fails. It is much easier to accept this advice when you understand that it comes from a place of genuine understanding and empathy instead of automatic response taught by some "wikihow to speak to someone with depression". Thank you very much!