Venting All is ready but stuck at writing farewell to my wife & children

[prospero]

I had a shitty childhood and social relations, I have autism, recurring several years long periods of diagnosed depression ever since I was a young adult etc. Currently I'm 45 and I've been in one sort of therapy or other for at least 3 years continuously. I try to work towards solving my issues, I'm active in therapy, I do my home works. However at the same time I'd like to CTB for long. I researched the subject pretty well and I had my benzo + alcohol + poison package ready for at least 1.5 years. I'm in the classic trap that I have children (12 & 14). I just can't resolve this conflict. I don't see value in my life, I suffer mental pain constantly, I can't even work to support my family financially. I tried all sorts of therapies and it pretty much seems that I'm going to get rejected from the current program because it requires much more determination and relentless work than what I'm capable of (I did give it a serious effort, it's just not enough). So I'm at square one again, probably could ask for an assessment for a more suitable therapy, then get on some waiting list for 6-12 months while getting some generic therapy and in the meantime I would just consume the rest of our savings.
So finally I decided today to go ahead. I have (almost) everything prepared. Like I have my very special whiskey, pack of benzo and about 4 times the LD50 of a certain inorganic salt. I made a hand written letter to the police so that the whole situation is clear and no one gets uncomfortable questions + left behind contact info. I have a place to CTB undisturbed and also without causing unnecessary problem to other people. I wrote a delayed email to the psychiatric institute where I get my therapies so that they call the police not much after I'm already dead. Also the day is just right, because my wife gets home earlier so it's not like the cops knock on the door and tell my children that daddy is dead.

Now I just need to write a farewell letter to my wife and to my children. And I'm stuck. Stuck right at the same spot where I've been stuck for years. I tried to think about all sorts of mental and emotional gymnastics so that I can justify me committing suicide even in light of the very likely immense pain and trauma I would likely cause. I fear that my older daughter might attempt suicide at some time as well. She is rather sensitive already + the trauma of my CTB + the bad example. My wife might be tough enough to go on after my CBT but should my daughter do it as well, she would probably snap and that would leave my younger daughter alone (diagnosed with autism like me). I discussed the topic with different people over the years, maybe I hear something that resolve the contradictions. I even asked ChatGPT, maybe it utters a half-baked sentence that gives me an idea. (I tried to come up with a similar story with a sick animal that shouldn't suffer any more. Otherwise ChatGPT would immediately recommend a mental health practitioner).

So today I thought I just don't think about it and go ahead. And then I tried to write a farewell letter. And it became very vivid what kind of pain would I cause and how long would it last. And that pain is certainly on a different level than mine. So how could I justify escaping my pain via CTB while others are going to suffer immensely more? But at the same time I just can't go on. I'm not capable. And it also bugs me that expect for a few happy periods I always felt rather miserable and I can't hope for some miracle to live like some wise old dude a few truly happy years just before I die of cancer or Parkinson's. It makes me angry that I didn't ask anybody to be born (and I made the same mistake). It makes me angry that my life is barely more than staying alive for the sake of others. I don't know how to resolve this.

Also, I can't mention in therapy that I'm this close to giving up because it would trigger all kinds of alarms and probably my stash would be confiscated and I would have to start staring at the periodic table again to find something that is both available and would do the trick.

 

[ayololly]

So sorry, I understand the place your in. Only i don't have the means yet.
I'm not sure I'd be able to get past that point either but when emotions are high I'm more likely to be impulsive about it.
Nothing has to be perfect, life isn't perfect. It's ultimately your decision and for everyday you fight to exist I hope your family will see and appreciate that.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear that you suffering so much, I can relate to quite a few things that you said in your story and I believe some of the struggles we both have in common. I don't know what to really say about your letter, but it is very considerate and kind of you to leave your wife and children some explanation and closure in hopes to ease some of the pain that they will (inevitably) face when you do CTB. I also understand the risks and consequences of letting your therapist know too much information as they may act on the guise of safety and ruin your exit from this hellish existence.

As for me, I'm also similarly in limbo as well (as of now) until I secure a reliable method, and sadly I am not looking at the peaceful methods as those are inaccessible for me and also given the fairly recent events with the "inorganic salt" compound, I'm certainly not taking any chances with that. I also am not interested in recovery myself so it is just a matter of time and circumstance before I too, see the void/unknown.

Anyways, I hope you are able to be at peace during this interim time.

 

[uniqueusername39]

at the risk of sounding offensive, i would like to discourage you from suicide. those children are your responsibility...at least stay with them until they've grown to become adults or something. though the death of a parent, no matter how old the offspring, is will break them, at least by adulthood i assume they'd be more understanding of why you ctb. there is indeed no way to resolve this but to keep living. perhaps find a way to support them in any other way than financially? your value is not dependent on your income.

 

[nessun_nome]

I don't want to be a smart-arse (and many of my own feelings about self-worth mirror yours) but it seems that you recognise that your family see value in your life. I do believe in the right of self-determination but maybe you need to calibrate your view of your value in the light of that?

You may still conclude you want to go ahead. It is also the case that if the best reason for not doing it is the effect on other people then life has no value to you.

Write your note as you have written it here. That you have decided to do it notwithstanding the effect you know it will have on them. That's the truth. Tell them anything else you want to such as the fact that you love them and it isn't their fault.

I do wonder if a conversation with them about your value to them might be illuminating.

 

[Aisley]

Your kids need you to wait. Just a few years, and those can go by like the blink of an eye. I'm also waiting, because I can't destroy my kid's childhood, no matter how much pain that means for me - I can see the end in the distance. It's shitty, it's painful, but life was always those two things; you got this.

 

[pickajack]

Just want to extend some compassion. I respect your thought process around not wanting to harm your family and I also hear your pain. Very difficult situation. Sending my best.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. I feel so bad for you. It's clear just how much you have tried to fight and how much you love your family. I don't know what to say really. I'm hanging on for my Dad because I know how much it would upset him. I hope things get better for you.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it's so sad how suffering people decide to procreate and as a result just create even more unnecessary pain that will inevitably be experienced. But anyway I wish you the best, it sounds really awful and tiring what you've been through.

 

[myusername]

I'm really sorry you find yourself in that situation. I wish you and your family the best.

 

[prospero]

Thank you all for your compassion and food for thought.

 

[Vizzy]

Thank you all for your compassion and food for thought.

Hope you are okay and find your peace

Are you still gonna go through this?

 

[AllMyDreams]

A big part of why my life was messed up, and I'm often suicidal, is because my Dad walked out on me. If you kill yourself now you will just perpetuate a vicious cycle on your kids. They will have a much harder time leading healthy lives. They may turn to drugs or self-destructive practices. So, Don't.

Oh and also I'm gay and autistic and will never have kids even though I would really have liked to. Do you know many people would give their right arm to have two healthy children? Do you know how lucky you also are, as an autistic person, to be in a relationship, when the vast majority never manage it? I know because every relationship I've had (despite many opportunities) have been destroyed by my black-and-white attitude.

I'm sorry you're struggling but you need to take an objective look at yourself and realize how fortunate you are and spare your kids from lifelong trauma.

Also @uniqueusername39 makes a great point. Your value is not dependent on your income. You don't have to *do* anything beyond staying alive and present, and you'll already be a better father than so many who abandon their kids.

 

[prospero]

A big part of why my life was messed up, and I'm often suicidal, is because my Dad walked out on me. If you kill yourself now you will just perpetuate a vicious cycle on your kids. They will have a much harder time leading healthy lives. They may turn to drugs or self-destructive practices. So, Don't.

Oh and also I'm gay and autistic and will never have kids even though I would really have liked to. Do you know many people would give their right arm to have two healthy children? Do you know how lucky you also are, as an autistic person, to be in a relationship, when the vast majority never manage it? I know because every relationship I've had (despite many opportunities) have been destroyed by my black-and-white attitude.

I'm sorry you're struggling but you need to take an objective look at yourself and realize how fortunate you are and spare your kids from lifelong trauma.

Also @uniqueusername39 makes a great point. Your value is not dependent on your income. You don't have to *do* anything beyond staying alive and present, and you'll already be a better father than so many who abandon their kids.

Thanks for sharing. I understand that the death of your father is a trauma for you. If it weren't so disrespectful and like digging into others misery, I'd gladly speak with someone whose parent committed suicide.

The guinea pig of my autistic daughter passed away recently and it was heart breaking to see her lying on the ground crying next to the grave for several hours. I'm aware of how my suicide could affect my children. I do see that trauma just perpetuates and it could be a bad example for my daughters. And while my wife could probably go on if I were to die but she would be absolutely devastated if one of our daughters would follow my example. Puberty is hard enough these days on its own.

But on the other hand this cannot be the only thing that keeps me alive and just chug along in misery. I didn't tell my family what I was planning but they hade some 6th sense and did several things to let me know gently that they wouldn't be OK with my suicide. So I stayed alive to talk things through with my psychologist. It seems that we had some misunderstandings regarding my therapy and now she seeks how she can better help me while I'm making honest efforts to stay alive and find some true internal motivation to keep going on on the long term.

I understand that a lot of people has it worse and that I can consider myself "lucky" that I was able to function pretty well for a good part of my life. However such argument isn't really valid for me because the personal experience of someone can feel unbearable no matter what kind of external objective measures can be applied to his/her circumstances.

Nevertheless I do understand what you are trying to say. And it makes me sad to think about your specific situation too.

 

[ChiseHatori]

Thanks for sharing. I understand that the death of your father is a trauma for you. If it weren't so disrespectful and like digging into others misery, I'd gladly speak with someone whose parent committed suicide.

The guinea pig of my autistic daughter passed away recently and it was heart breaking to see her lying on the ground crying next to the grave for several hours. I'm aware of how my suicide could affect my children. I do see that trauma just perpetuates and it could be a bad example for my daughters. And while my wife could probably go on if I were to die but she would be absolutely devastated if one of our daughters would follow my example. Puberty is hard enough these days on its own.

But on the other hand this cannot be the only thing that keeps me alive and just chug along in misery. I didn't tell my family what I was planning but they hade some 6th sense and did several things to let me know gently that they wouldn't be OK with my suicide. So I stayed alive to talk things through with my psychologist. It seems that we had some misunderstandings regarding my therapy and now she seeks how she can better help me while I'm making honest efforts to stay alive and find some true internal motivation to keep going on on the long term.

I understand that a lot of people has it worse and that I can consider myself "lucky" that I was able to function pretty well for a good part of my life. However such argument isn't really valid for me because the personal experience of someone can feel unbearable no matter what kind of external objective measures can be applied to his/her circumstances.

Nevertheless I do understand what you are trying to say. And it makes me sad to think about your specific situation too.

My father ended his life early, I don't mind talking about it a little.

In his case he had a lot of things stacking up at once. He was violently alcoholic, he had just lost his own dad and was freshly divorced. On top of childhood trauma and other things I couldn't know about.

Being financially unstable is not your failure as a father - it's more to the times we live in. My dad was a simple car salesman and we had a house - it was a different time when you could work proudly and actually make a living wage. Quite difficult now, obviously.

You are not a failure. I will say it again. You are NOT a failure.

Of course I'm bias to tell you to live for the sake of your family, but I can't tell you what to do. Either way, I hope you find peace.

 

[ohyouknow]

ETA: Just now seeing how old this thread is...

I'm sorry you're going through this. I have all the same thoughts you have about how ctb myself will lead to my family's pain and maybe lead to my children also deciding to ctb. Hence, I'm still here and hating (almost) every minute of it. It is hard to live for others.

Also, I can't mention in therapy that I'm this close to giving up because it would trigger all kinds of alarms and probably my stash would be confiscated and I would have to start staring at the periodic table again to find something that is both available and would do the trick.

Are you sure about this? I would recommend telling your therapist. Nobody can confiscate legal items that you rightfully own. I guess I don't know what the rule is on benzos. Anyway, you don't have to tell them exactly what you have. For all they know, you're planning to drink antifreeze.

 

[Oathkeeper]

Very sorry to hear how much you're struggling. While I can't make a decision for you, and I'm certainly no advocate for the "joys" of life, I'd like to echo other sentiments here and encourage you to stick around for your kids at least until they're 18.

The damage that would do to them is irreparable. Kids that lose a parent to suicide are 3x more likely to end their own lives.

I'm so sorry you've been brought to this point. We're all in the same boat with you.