Venting all i want is a reason to feel like shit.

[SOU_P]

i'm just yer average suburbanite with an average (if not downright good) home life, good friends, a fucking amazing bf, plenty o reasons to live, plenty o things to do, and i still feel fucking horrible half the time. i don't go through jack shit and that's what confuses and infuriates me. it's what makes me genuinely think i'm hopeless sometimes, because not even an average life can keep me stupid ass from cryin n rippin a barcode into me wrists for the stupidest shit imaginable. i have every reason to feel good, but the majority o the time, i just don't. i've gotten professional help n half the time it just makes me feel even worse, even more hopeless, even more like every ounce of my depression is my own fault, caused by my own lack of effort, even though i've tried every last femtogram of what they told me to do.

another odd problem o mine is that i have a body people starve themselves for and i feel guilty, like i'm part of the reason folks get anorexia/bulimia. at one point i felt obligated to continue what they doubtless wanted, i started purging and eating less, but then i got interested in mma n never did it again. i still get that ping of wanting to look like eugenia cooney ever so often, though.

i just feel like i'm a burden, everyone wastes their effort in trying to make me feel better and i just don't. it's infuriating for me because i feel like i let everyone down, it's infuriating for them because they put time, effort, and sometimes even money into tryna make me feel better and i just don't, and everyone else who comes across me bullshit rants probably just think i'm being a spoiled little bitchface, aye.

sorry for the Wall of Text, just had a lot on me mind today. if yer feelin the same way, we can be lonely lads together, aye!