Venting All I want for Christmas is...

[Rex2019]

Everytime I come back to this forum I feel like such a failure... I have good days and I have successfully stayed a way for months at a time. But this forum is like a bad ex that I know I should stay away from. But to whom I always come back...Why can't I stop seeing this image of me jumping off from the grand canyon as I am going about my day? When I close my eyes it's as real as a memory. I can feel the wind blowing in my hair and the feeling of falling as I look at the sky. I feel at peace. It feels as though I have done this before. Nothing's really wrong in my life. From the outside, I have a great life. But I just feel numb. I feel like I'm on a stage acting- as whatever everyone else wants me to be. I am so out of touch with myself, I don't even know what I want or who I am anymore. All I know I want is this: I want to take a one way ticket to the Grand canyon. I want to sip my favorite drink all the way there. I want to walk around the canyon as long as I want, watch the sunset/sunrise there and then walk to the edge, turn around and fall...

 

[blackflag1]

The Grand Canyon is one of the National Park Service's popular suicide spots right up there with the New River Gorge. It seems people are drawn to ending it in beautiful locations

 

[ProlongedSentence]

Everytime I come back to this forum I feel like such a failure... I have good days and I have successfully stayed a way for months at a time. But this forum is like a bad ex that I know I should stay away from. But to whom I always come back...Why can't I stop seeing this image of me jumping off from the grand canyon as I am going about my day? When I close my eyes it's as real as a memory. I can feel the wind blowing in my hair and the feeling of falling as I look at the sky. I feel at peace. It feels as though I have done this before. Nothing's really wrong in my life. From the outside, I have a great life. But I just feel numb. I feel like I'm on a stage acting- as whatever everyone else wants me to be. I am so out of touch with myself, I don't even know what I want or who I am anymore. All I know I want is this: I want to take a one way ticket to the Grand canyon. I want to sip my favorite drink all the way there. I want to walk around the canyon as long as I want, watch the sunset/sunrise there and then walk to the edge, turn around and fall...

Yes.