Venting All I do is hurt. - Scared into recovery, I guess.

[FieldsofLavender]

Sometimes I wonder if my existence is just to hurt. To hurt, to hurt myself, to hurt others, if all I am is pain and disappointment and worry.
Someone I thought would never talk to me again got back into contact with me, and they told me it was existentially terrifying how little I've changed, how they've gotten so much better and I've stayed frozen, like an image of cowardice and illness. How if I refuse to do anything for myself, I'm going to die a slow, painful, horrible, pitiable death, that I'm going to hurt everyone I love and drive them away, "become a malignant force of sadness". I feel like I try my hardest constantly, I do everything I can for others, I even have been trying harder for myself. I quit a job that was extremely painful. I'm doing better at not just letting people do whatever they want to me, though still really struggle with that.
Recently all of us in this system have been struggling against an eating disorder, myself especially. We lost 50 lbs in a couple of months, and felt like we looked better than we have in years. But it's been inherently stressful, painful, a struggle. It hasn't been healthy. And that Someone that was telling me how I need to try to eat better at the least, and well... They've successfully scared me into eating more than I have been. It's been horrible. I feel so sick after eating, I feel so heavy (though that's probably just a delusion). They tell me I'm taking care of myself, but I feel like I'm just going to gain weight and hate how I look again and hate my eating habits again... At least with how stressful and unhealthy it has been, I've felt better about how I look...
My psychosis has been worsening, I find myself stopping myself from talking to the choir of voices around me when I'm around others and sometimes I just can't stop myself, I have to tell them to go away, my friends seem to confused by me a lot of the time and I feel really confused by them a lot... Like half of the time either I can't follow what's going on or they can't seem to, and it's really frustrating... The choir of voices continues to teach me about life and death, and honestly I believe them, but I know nobody else does, it doesn't really make sense does it?... At least I'm lucid enough to notice these things...
When that Someone told me I'm the most cowardly person they know, it really hurt, but I can't help but acknowledge they're right. I can't bring myself to do new things, it takes a lot of effort to push me to do what needs to be done, I haven't even refilled my antipsychotics for a week now because I just can't bring myself to call the doctor. I can't even face anything that's happening to me or that I'm dealing with, I just distract myself when I can, play games and watch youtube and just listen to the voices for hours, anything to let my mind drift away from the constant pain and terror and illness... I guess it's my fault I'm still just stuck in pain, I'm too much of a coward to do anything at all.
I think that Someone got one thing wrong, though. I already am a malignant force of sadness, everyone around me is constantly frustrated, sad, disappointed, worried, punctuated with fleeting moments of hope or innocent joy only for it to be ripped right back away again. My friends seem to think that I have so much potential, the choir tells me that I don't all I have are desperate grasps to find anything to save me, anything to take away this pain, or at least make it worth it, give me something that feels rewarding or worth all this. Maybe making art, making games, drawing, animating, composing, playing music, filming, photography, maybe writing, maybe sex, maybe friends, maybe love, maybe all these twisty puzzles or board game or video games or books or something, anything, maybe just seeing others happy will be enough...
And I'm left with seeing that I can't do any of those things, that nothing feels worth the effort usually, that even when I try to make others happy all I do is worry and scare and frustrate and break and hurt. The few moments where I see others happy, when I even get to make them happier, it's great, but... My pain always seems to ruin it, it just worries them again...
I could rant for the rest of the night, but... I should probably just cut it off here... I love you all, I wish any kind of happiness, big or small, for you... I wish you peace at the very least...
If you had any thoughts, about yourself and if you relate or about anything I've said or anything at all, please say...

 

[Forever Sleep]

This likely won't come across as comforting but I'm pretty sure- if my circumstances were different- that I could easily be you now. In fact, in many ways, I'd say it sounds like you're making more effort in your life. Seems like you do at least make the effort to socialise- I don't even do that!

What I suppose I mean though- is- I only really want to do the bare minimum in life now. I simply don't have the drive to do any more. I have to be financially independent though- so- for me- that does include working- which maybe forces me to do more than you. That's the irony really- people's lives who are perhaps 'easier' in terms of their basic needs being catered for- money, food and shelter etc. may have the harder time of finding motivation- because they don't actually HAVE to. There isn't in fact a real NEED to do anything.

I guess the ideal is that we should have enough self worth to want to make life better for ourselves but I think a lot of people here struggle with that. That really was a harsh thing for your 'friend' to say though. Kind of reminds me why I don't socialise! Maybe it comes from a place of kindnest but I don't really enjoy people trying to 'fix' me. Besides- I think to make real changes, you do have to really want it and really believe in it. If you don't, I think it's SO difficult to commit to things fully. I'm sorry.

 

[_Alfarooq_]

Sometimes I wonder if my existence is just to hurt. To hurt, to hurt myself, to hurt others, if all I am is pain and disappointment and worry.
Someone I thought would never talk to me again got back into contact with me, and they told me it was existentially terrifying how little I've changed, how they've gotten so much better and I've stayed frozen, like an image of cowardice and illness. How if I refuse to do anything for myself, I'm going to die a slow, painful, horrible, pitiable death, that I'm going to hurt everyone I love and drive them away, "become a malignant force of sadness". I feel like I try my hardest constantly, I do everything I can for others, I even have been trying harder for myself. I quit a job that was extremely painful. I'm doing better at not just letting people do whatever they want to me, though still really struggle with that.
Recently all of us in this system have been struggling against an eating disorder, myself especially. We lost 50 lbs in a couple of months, and felt like we looked better than we have in years. But it's been inherently stressful, painful, a struggle. It hasn't been healthy. And that Someone that was telling me how I need to try to eat better at the least, and well... They've successfully scared me into eating more than I have been. It's been horrible. I feel so sick after eating, I feel so heavy (though that's probably just a delusion). They tell me I'm taking care of myself, but I feel like I'm just going to gain weight and hate how I look again and hate my eating habits again... At least with how stressful and unhealthy it has been, I've felt better about how I look...
My psychosis has been worsening, I find myself stopping myself from talking to the choir of voices around me when I'm around others and sometimes I just can't stop myself, I have to tell them to go away, my friends seem to confused by me a lot of the time and I feel really confused by them a lot... Like half of the time either I can't follow what's going on or they can't seem to, and it's really frustrating... The choir of voices continues to teach me about life and death, and honestly I believe them, but I know nobody else does, it doesn't really make sense does it?... At least I'm lucid enough to notice these things...
When that Someone told me I'm the most cowardly person they know, it really hurt, but I can't help but acknowledge they're right. I can't bring myself to do new things, it takes a lot of effort to push me to do what needs to be done, I haven't even refilled my antipsychotics for a week now because I just can't bring myself to call the doctor. I can't even face anything that's happening to me or that I'm dealing with, I just distract myself when I can, play games and watch youtube and just listen to the voices for hours, anything to let my mind drift away from the constant pain and terror and illness... I guess it's my fault I'm still just stuck in pain, I'm too much of a coward to do anything at all.
I think that Someone got one thing wrong, though. I already am a malignant force of sadness, everyone around me is constantly frustrated, sad, disappointed, worried, punctuated with fleeting moments of hope or innocent joy only for it to be ripped right back away again. My friends seem to think that I have so much potential, the choir tells me that I don't all I have are desperate grasps to find anything to save me, anything to take away this pain, or at least make it worth it, give me something that feels rewarding or worth all this. Maybe making art, making games, drawing, animating, composing, playing music, filming, photography, maybe writing, maybe sex, maybe friends, maybe love, maybe all these twisty puzzles or board game or video games or books or something, anything, maybe just seeing others happy will be enough...
And I'm left with seeing that I can't do any of those things, that nothing feels worth the effort usually, that even when I try to make others happy all I do is worry and scare and frustrate and break and hurt. The few moments where I see others happy, when I even get to make them happier, it's great, but... My pain always seems to ruin it, it just worries them again...
I could rant for the rest of the night, but... I should probably just cut it off here... I love you all, I wish any kind of happiness, big or small, for you... I wish you peace at the very least...
If you had any thoughts, about yourself and if you relate or about anything I've said or anything at all, please say...

Existence does hurt, it's there to f**k us up and torture us. For me, All my life I have been dealing with bastards bullying me, making fun of me, and critizising me, judging me and finding problems with everything I do. And I can't walk in the streets without getting evil looks. Life is not a gift at all. But that wasn't the case in 2022. My life was a gift to me in 2022. 2022 was the biggest gift it was ever given. 2022 was so nice and nostalgic and even a holiday was included. But as soon as 2023 started... My life became boring, a bunch of bastards became bullying me, and I was very depressed, and I can't say anything has changed. 2023 is a cursed year for me.

 

[lylas]

You seem to be quite compassionate and concerned for the welfare of those around you, and trying really hard despite everything going on. I relate to that grasping feeling and honestly it has gotten better with time in my case. Please don't be so hard on yourself for struggling <3 it does not make you a force of negativity. I send optimistic wishes your way.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really tiring and dreadful what you have to go through, but anyway best wishes, I find it awful how there is too much suffering in existing.