Alive, but not living

[LastLoveLetter]

I'm still here. My previous attempt was prevented by mental health services.

I'm alive and breathing, but not actually living life. Apparently a heartbeat is good enough for healthcare services, because I have once again been left to fend for myself. They do the bare minimum - which is to ensure I'm still breathing - and then silently slink away, patting themselves on the back for a job well done.

There's no support forthcoming either, because I have been deemed a complex, "non-compliant" and "treatment-resistant" patient. I'm "treatment-resistant" because the therapeutic modalities I have tried have not helped to treat my longstanding Complex PTSD or associated conditions. I'm "non-compliant" because I dared to tell them this, and to hold them to account for unacceptable conduct (e.g. ignoring me and closing my case when I was pleading for support in the middle of a breakdown). They didn't like that.

At this point, I truly have tried everything reasonably available to me. Talking therapies, CBT, DBT, EMDR, exposure therapy and more. I have tried every medication I could get my hands on for both my mental health and my chronic illnesses. Nothing has helped in any meaningful way on a long-term basis.

I have been blamed for this over the years, including recently. I've been admonished and told to "use my skills" (which I do, for the record - they just aren't enough). I've been told they won't help me if they can't see some sign that I want to be helped, some baseline level of functionality that is far beyond my grasp.

I've been told that it's positive I'm still alive and I must not be serious about killing myself, even though I spend almost the entirety of my existence in bed, unable to function due to chronic pain and fatigue, physical disabilities, cognitive dysfunction and crippling PTSD. I struggle to simply get out of the bed and use the bathroom, to the point I end up with recurring bladder infections from not going often enough. I've been struggling to eat, and have increasingly considered just starving myself to death. I can't cook so often rely on cheap fast food when the hunger becomes difficult to bear.
I no longer have a carer to help me with day to day tasks, so I have to do what I can to barely scrape by. I sleep most of the day and night, and cry every time I wake up because I have to face another day of not living and wasting away in a tiny room.

I've been told I don't want help, simply because nothing has succeeded so far. If I didn't want help, I wouldn't have subjected myself to years of jumping through hoops, medical neglect, gaslighting, harmful treatments and traumatic experiences in hospitals, for a crumb of inadequate, short-lived support. I have put myself through it all because I actually do want to live. But the sad thing is, I don't think I can survive. It's definitely not achievable without help and help just isn't coming.

I may be alive, but this is not living. This is not a life worth sustaining. I don't want to exist like this anymore.

 

[SmollMushroom]

Your story is very sad and I can't imagine how hard it is to go through all that.
I know it is of little comfort but know that I, and the people of this forum, hear you.
I wish I could be more helpful but I have no experience or knowledge with your illness.
Hopefully things will be better, one way or another.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

Your story is very sad and I can't imagine how hard it is to go through all that.
I know it is of little comfort but know that I, and the people of this forum, hear you.
I wish I could be more helpful but I have no experience or knowledge with your illness.
Hopefully things will be better, one way or another.

I can't see things getting better unfortunately. Thank you for reading and for listening though, I really appreciate that.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I'm still here. My previous attempt was prevented by mental health services.

I'm alive and breathing, but not actually living life. Apparently a heartbeat is good enough for healthcare services, because I have once again been left to fend for myself. They do the bare minimum - which is to ensure I'm still breathing - and then silently slink away, patting themselves on the back for a job well done.

There's no support forthcoming either, because I have been deemed a complex, "non-compliant" and "treatment-resistant" patient. I'm "treatment-resistant" because the therapeutic modalities I have tried have not helped to treat my longstanding Complex PTSD or associated conditions. I'm "non-compliant" because I dared to tell them this, and to hold them to account for unacceptable conduct (e.g. ignoring me and closing my case when I was pleading for support in the middle of a breakdown). They didn't like that.

At this point, I truly have tried everything reasonably available to me. Talking therapies, CBT, DBT, EMDR, exposure therapy and more. I have tried every medication I could get my hands on for both my mental health and my chronic illnesses. Nothing has helped in any meaningful way on a long-term basis.

I have been blamed for this over the years, including recently. I've been admonished and told to "use my skills" (which I do, for the record - they just aren't enough). I've been told they won't help me if they can't see some sign that I want to be helped, some baseline level of functionality that is far beyond my grasp.

I've been told that it's positive I'm still alive and I must not be serious about killing myself, even though I spend almost the entirety of my existence in bed, unable to function due to chronic pain and fatigue, physical disabilities, cognitive dysfunction and crippling PTSD. I struggle to simply get out of the bed and use the bathroom, to the point I end up with recurring bladder infections from not going often enough. I've been struggling to eat, and have increasingly considered just starving myself to death. I can't cook so often rely on cheap fast food when the hunger becomes difficult to bear.
I no longer have a carer to help me with day to day tasks, so I have to do what I can to barely scrape by. I sleep most of the day and night, and cry every time I wake up because I have to face another day of not living and wasting away in a tiny room.

I've been told I don't want help, simply because nothing has succeeded so far. If I didn't want help, I wouldn't have subjected myself to years of jumping through hoops, medical neglect, gaslighting, harmful treatments and traumatic experiences in hospitals, for a crumb of inadequate, short-lived support. I have put myself through it all because I actually do want to live. But the sad thing is, I don't think I can survive. It's definitely not achievable without help and help just isn't coming.

I may be alive, but this is not living. This is not a life worth sustaining. I don't want to exist like this anymore.

So sorry you are going through this. Having to cope with a multitude of problems is bad enough, yet Having these problems made worse by people who are supposed to be there to help us just makes things exponentially worse.
I too am barely surviving. I spend the vast majority of my time sleeping or staring at the walls because I just cannot function anymore due to mental illness. I have given up trying to be helped anymore because my main illness is untreatable, persistent severe depression.

 

[saddavyd]

I relate in a lot of ways. I get the feeling quite often that these support services people have little clue how we are feeling. They just don't seem to get it, adding to the pain, frustration, anxiety and distress.

I'm hoping I can find the courage to ctb. At nearly 60 I'm too old and too tired to be able to contemplate the effort needed to keep going. It is a shame society doesn't accept that and even more if a shame that loved one suffer too afterwards. I hope you find peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrible what you have to endure, it's certainly so inhumane how people have to suffer so much so unnecessarily all through no fault of their own. But anyway best wishes.

 

[S like suicide]

I'm still here. My previous attempt was prevented by mental health services.

I'm alive and breathing, but not actually living life. Apparently a heartbeat is good enough for healthcare services, because I have once again been left to fend for myself. They do the bare minimum - which is to ensure I'm still breathing - and then silently slink away, patting themselves on the back for a job well done.

There's no support forthcoming either, because I have been deemed a complex, "non-compliant" and "treatment-resistant" patient. I'm "treatment-resistant" because the therapeutic modalities I have tried have not helped to treat my longstanding Complex PTSD or associated conditions. I'm "non-compliant" because I dared to tell them this, and to hold them to account for unacceptable conduct (e.g. ignoring me and closing my case when I was pleading for support in the middle of a breakdown). They didn't like that.

At this point, I truly have tried everything reasonably available to me. Talking therapies, CBT, DBT, EMDR, exposure therapy and more. I have tried every medication I could get my hands on for both my mental health and my chronic illnesses. Nothing has helped in any meaningful way on a long-term basis.

I have been blamed for this over the years, including recently. I've been admonished and told to "use my skills" (which I do, for the record - they just aren't enough). I've been told they won't help me if they can't see some sign that I want to be helped, some baseline level of functionality that is far beyond my grasp.

I've been told that it's positive I'm still alive and I must not be serious about killing myself, even though I spend almost the entirety of my existence in bed, unable to function due to chronic pain and fatigue, physical disabilities, cognitive dysfunction and crippling PTSD. I struggle to simply get out of the bed and use the bathroom, to the point I end up with recurring bladder infections from not going often enough. I've been struggling to eat, and have increasingly considered just starving myself to death. I can't cook so often rely on cheap fast food when the hunger becomes difficult to bear.
I no longer have a carer to help me with day to day tasks, so I have to do what I can to barely scrape by. I sleep most of the day and night, and cry every time I wake up because I have to face another day of not living and wasting away in a tiny room.

I've been told I don't want help, simply because nothing has succeeded so far. If I didn't want help, I wouldn't have subjected myself to years of jumping through hoops, medical neglect, gaslighting, harmful treatments and traumatic experiences in hospitals, for a crumb of inadequate, short-lived support. I have put myself through it all because I actually do want to live. But the sad thing is, I don't think I can survive. It's definitely not achievable without help and help just isn't coming.

I may be alive, but this is not living. This is not a life worth sustaining. I don't want to exist like this anymore.

I am sorry you are going throught all this pain...noone should be left alone when is in need for help....this is in an ideal world, in the sad reality we live in we are abandoned to ourselves

 

[Ligottian]

I'm definitely one of those people with "no life".

 

[Lookoutbelow]

I relate in a lot of ways. I get the feeling quite often that these support services people have little clue how we are feeling. They just don't seem to get it, adding to the pain, frustration, anxiety and distress.

I'm hoping I can find the courage to ctb. At nearly 60 I'm too old and too tired to be able to contemplate the effort needed to keep going. It is a shame society doesn't accept that and even more if a shame that loved one suffer too afterwards. I hope you find peace.

Ah! A fellow elder in here. I am in my 50's and am at the same point as you. I am too old and tired to put in the effort. I have people telling me "you can start over." No, no I can't. Not at this stage of my life. I don't particularly want to CTB, but the thought of starting over is too much. So, I will jump soon.

 

[sserafim]

I'm still here. My previous attempt was prevented by mental health services.

I'm alive and breathing, but not actually living life. Apparently a heartbeat is good enough for healthcare services, because I have once again been left to fend for myself. They do the bare minimum - which is to ensure I'm still breathing - and then silently slink away, patting themselves on the back for a job well done.

There's no support forthcoming either, because I have been deemed a complex, "non-compliant" and "treatment-resistant" patient. I'm "treatment-resistant" because the therapeutic modalities I have tried have not helped to treat my longstanding Complex PTSD or associated conditions. I'm "non-compliant" because I dared to tell them this, and to hold them to account for unacceptable conduct (e.g. ignoring me and closing my case when I was pleading for support in the middle of a breakdown). They didn't like that.

At this point, I truly have tried everything reasonably available to me. Talking therapies, CBT, DBT, EMDR, exposure therapy and more. I have tried every medication I could get my hands on for both my mental health and my chronic illnesses. Nothing has helped in any meaningful way on a long-term basis.

I have been blamed for this over the years, including recently. I've been admonished and told to "use my skills" (which I do, for the record - they just aren't enough). I've been told they won't help me if they can't see some sign that I want to be helped, some baseline level of functionality that is far beyond my grasp.

I've been told that it's positive I'm still alive and I must not be serious about killing myself, even though I spend almost the entirety of my existence in bed, unable to function due to chronic pain and fatigue, physical disabilities, cognitive dysfunction and crippling PTSD. I struggle to simply get out of the bed and use the bathroom, to the point I end up with recurring bladder infections from not going often enough. I've been struggling to eat, and have increasingly considered just starving myself to death. I can't cook so often rely on cheap fast food when the hunger becomes difficult to bear.
I no longer have a carer to help me with day to day tasks, so I have to do what I can to barely scrape by. I sleep most of the day and night, and cry every time I wake up because I have to face another day of not living and wasting away in a tiny room.

I've been told I don't want help, simply because nothing has succeeded so far. If I didn't want help, I wouldn't have subjected myself to years of jumping through hoops, medical neglect, gaslighting, harmful treatments and traumatic experiences in hospitals, for a crumb of inadequate, short-lived support. I have put myself through it all because I actually do want to live. But the sad thing is, I don't think I can survive. It's definitely not achievable without help and help just isn't coming.

I may be alive, but this is not living. This is not a life worth sustaining. I don't want to exist like this anymore.

Sorry that you're feeling this way. I'm alive but not living as well. It's like I'm just existing. I think I have depression stemming from my neurodivergence that made it hard for me to adult and enter adulthood.

I wish that we could be allowed VAS if we're suffering, and that we could have the right out of this existence. I hate that VAS is only allowed for terminally physical ill patients. I'm literally terminally ill as well, it's just mental rather than physical. My Asperger's/autism, ADHD, and social anxiety is never going away. I wish people were more understanding of pain and suffering that others go through in their lives

 

[Ligottian]

Ah! A fellow elder in here. I am in my 50's and am at the same point as you. I am too old and tired to put in the effort. I have people telling me "you can start over." No, no I can't. Not at this stage of my life. I don't particularly want to CTB, but the thought of starting over is too much. So, I will jump soon.

I'm 63, friend. I relate to everything you wrote.

 

[lain_pilled]

I survived because there's a medical nurse in our home 3 years ago who aided me back to health. And ever since, I've been trying to survive until I found this website. Everything I've read here is so correct and it aligns with what I really want. I feel happier when I think of death. I feel more alive when I want to die.

 

[prezmyl]

At this point, I truly have tried everything reasonably available to me. Talking therapies, CBT, DBT, EMDR, exposure therapy and more. I have tried every medication I could get my hands on for both my mental health and my chronic illnesses. Nothing has helped in any meaningful way on a long-term basis.

I know the experience when you are locked in a hellish states nobody really seems to understand and does not want to understand and neither understand how extremally tiring and unbearable it is to be in it every fucking single second for years. All the fights you put up without any permanent relieve or effect. They are still treating you like shit, but you are the one who deserves the most respect there. But they have no fucking clue how fucking deep this suffering goes and how unforgiving it is. So they are happy for themself how helpful they are for a society, but their compassion is so fucking superficial and they will never know it.
Not sure if you also tried something like somatic experiencing and it failed you too. It was the first thing that explained all the states I experienced and why most of the therapies are just too naive, vague and almost stupid and in most cases not helpful for somebody with more severe symptoms and it was the first real thing that lessen my nervous system activation and those almost non-stop panic attacks after a decade of suffering. I can imagine that you had enough of suffering and you had enough of trying to get help, I know, I know, but this is not coming from anybody who would not understand that sometime enough is so fucking enough, but still I felt like I should mention this.
good luck on your path wherever it leads

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

You have tried harder than anyone I know love, and rather than admit that it is their own lack of knowledge that's the issue here, they deflect the blame onto you, someone who has been through far more than any of those shitty healthcare staff can imagine. Time after time you've begged and pleaded for help, only to be disappointed and cast aside. They should realise how horribly they have failed you. They don't realise that being kept indoors due to one's life ruining conditions is not something that a person ever chooses. Anyone would want to be outside and to be living. They are delusional and flat out wrong, because you have worked harder than anyone I have ever known in my entire life to try to overcome the pains life has imbued within you.

 

[puella]

I'm so sorry mental health services have failed you so catastrophically. I can't imagine how bad it would feel to cry out for help only to be rejected. It's unfair you didn't get the kindness from humanity you deserve.

I wish the best for you, and I hope you can experience painlessness during your existence.

 

[SMmetalhead36]

I'm feeling the same way. I have lost my sense of purpose and my calling in life. I'm not sure what makes me happy anymore.