AITA? Teen Caretaker

[wistfulness]

I'm a 19F and my dad is 76. He's had Parkinson's since I was 10 and it's getting increasingly harder for him to move around. My mom died 2 years ago and I started college last year close to my dad's house so I could still help my sister in taking care of him. We have another sister and a couple half siblings, but they're all older with established lives and no time to look after him. Since my sister and I never really got the chance to go off after high school, we kinda got stuck with the job. However I'm starting to look out at the rest of my life and I really don't see much of a point. I'm probably just going to be taking care of him until he dies and by then I could be too jaded to want to do much of anything. AITA if I move away to try and live a purposeful life somewhere else? AITA if I choose to focus on myself? I know it would be a huge adjustment for me but I don't have many other options. I wouldn't want to leave the responsibility on my sister alone but I can't see myself living much longer solely for other people, no matter how much I love them.

 

[ADeadBunny]

No offence, but it sounds like the rest of your family are assholes. I have the same deal on my end. You might've tried this to no avail, but I would see if maybe your other family with established lives would help pay for a caretaker or for a room at an assisted living facility.

You don't deserve to have your life forfiet to serve another and your sister doesn't deserve the same. There is a resolution to this that doesn't involve abandonment only if your family decides to help.

Trust me, as someone who did throw away 10 years to satisfy others, it's never worth it. You need to make you happy. If you have a loving family then this matter should be dealt with swiftly, although I know that those are in short supply these days.

I hope you can find resolve and get to live a full life without regrets. As someone who can't have that it would be a shame to see another pulled into the same fate.

 

[Yaffle]

Much love @wistfulness , I think @ADeadBunny has sadly nailed it with their personal experience.

We're all here for you.

 

[steppenwolf]

No offence, but it sounds like the rest of your family are assholes. I have the same deal on my end. You might've tried this to no avail, but I would see if maybe your other family with established lives would help pay for a caretaker or for a room at an assisted living facility.

You don't deserve to have your life forfiet to serve another and your sister doesn't deserve the same. There is a resolution to this that doesn't involve abandonment only if your family decides to help.

Trust me, as someone who did throw away 10 years to satisfy others, it's never worth it. You need to make you happy. If you have a loving family then this matter should be dealt with swiftly, although I know that those are in short supply these days.

I hope you can find resolve and get to live a full life without regrets. As someone who can't have that it would be a shame to see another pulled into the same fate.

Yes. This. Absolutely. You're 19 ffs. Have you tried putting shit tons of weed in his food? I gather that helps Parkinson's sufferers. Shit it helps everything.

 

[Humble]

I'm a 19F and my dad is 76. He's had Parkinson's since I was 10 and it's getting increasingly harder for him to move around. My mom died 2 years ago and I started college last year close to my dad's house so I could still help my sister in taking care of him. We have another sister and a couple half siblings, but they're all older with established lives and no time to look after him. Since my sister and I never really got the chance to go off after high school, we kinda got stuck with the job. However I'm starting to look out at the rest of my life and I really don't see much of a point. I'm probably just going to be taking care of him until he dies and by then I could be too jaded to want to do much of anything. AITA if I move away to try and live a purposeful life somewhere else? AITA if I choose to focus on myself? I know it would be a huge adjustment for me but I don't have many other options. I wouldn't want to leave the responsibility on my sister alone but I can't see myself living much longer solely for other people, no matter how much I love them.

You should definitely be out there seizing every day. Maybe try visiting him every now and then if it eases your doubt. NTA

 

[todeswunsch]

I'm a 19F and my dad is 76. He's had Parkinson's since I was 10 and it's getting increasingly harder for him to move around. My mom died 2 years ago and I started college last year close to my dad's house so I could still help my sister in taking care of him. We have another sister and a couple half siblings, but they're all older with established lives and no time to look after him. Since my sister and I never really got the chance to go off after high school, we kinda got stuck with the job. However I'm starting to look out at the rest of my life and I really don't see much of a point. I'm probably just going to be taking care of him until he dies and by then I could be too jaded to want to do much of anything. AITA if I move away to try and live a purposeful life somewhere else? AITA if I choose to focus on myself? I know it would be a huge adjustment for me but I don't have many other options. I wouldn't want to leave the responsibility on my sister alone but I can't see myself living much longer solely for other people, no matter how much I love them.

I'm sorry you got the situation you're now. It looks really hard and I see why you are considering moving away.
I don't think you're being asshole on trying to focus on yourself. You got a life too, right?
It will like unsensitive but its true, he's going to die regardless, and you will keep here for many more years. You shouldn't destroy your life for that.
You don't need to completely abandon them. Just focus on your self while giving the support you can.
I hope your sister do well too, it seems to be hard for her as well.
Good luck on whatever path you take
I wish you the best!

 

[wistfulness]

No offence, but it sounds like the rest of your family are assholes. I have the same deal on my end. You might've tried this to no avail, but I would see if maybe your other family with established lives would help pay for a caretaker or for a room at an assisted living facility.

You don't deserve to have your life forfiet to serve another and your sister doesn't deserve the same. There is a resolution to this that doesn't involve abandonment only if your family decides to help.

Trust me, as someone who did throw away 10 years to satisfy others, it's never worth it. You need to make you happy. If you have a loving family then this matter should be dealt with swiftly, although I know that those are in short supply these days.

I hope you can find resolve and get to live a full life without regrets. As someone who can't have that it would be a shame to see another pulled into the same fate.

Thanks for taking the time to respond, I really appreciate what you have to say on this. I'm sorry you've had a relatable experience, I'm sure it hasn't been easy for you. Also I appreciate you calling my family assholes cause it's very true for many of them haha. We moved to where 2 of my half siblings live last year (600 miles away) for more support but in hindsight haven't really gotten much. They throw themselves at my dad when they do see him but as for my sister and I, I guess we're old enough to take care of ourselves. I just don't want to waste these crucial years of my life living a life I don't want.

I'm sorry you got the situation you're now. It looks really hard and I see why you are considering moving away.
I don't think you're being asshole on trying to focus on yourself. You got a life too, right?
It will like unsensitive but its true, he's going to die regardless, and you will keep here for many more years. You shouldn't destroy your life for that.
You don't need to completely abandon them. Just focus on your self while giving the support you can.
I hope your sister do well too, it seems to be hard for her as well.
Good luck on whatever path you take
I wish you the best!

Thanks so much @todeswunsch , I wish you the best as well :)

 

[LaVieEnRose]

What does he think? Not that that should determine what to do but just curious. Can you hire a caretaker? . He had you way older than average. It wasn't fair to force you into this role when you're barely an adult.

 

[TooConscious]

One should never be guilt tripped to care for elderly relatives unless you're the type that's already planned what to do with an inheritance.
But assuming you try to be a decent person and given your natural naivety of being 19 , do not let people abuse your empathy and play on your emotions. It can end up having the opposite effect.
I let my dad emotionally manipulate me into spending too much time with a elderly nan, and i put down the lack of appreciation for my sacrifice as the cause for my physical ailments and I now despise my father and have cut soul ties.
I hope you find the best solution for everyone. And if your father is loving I hope he realized your worth.

 

[tinyghost]

absolutely you are NOT the asshole! you were a child forced into an adult role at your total expense. no one has the obligation to take care of another when it hurts them, unless its their children. you deserve the full quality of life that you are looking for

 

[wistfulness]

What does he think? Not that that should determine what to do but just curious. Can you hire a caretaker? . He had you way older than average. It wasn't fair to force you into this role when you're barely an adult.

He just hired another caretaker that comes for a few hours multiple days a week to cook and clean. He's had a few of them over the past few months but no one stable. Honestly though he gets pretty guilt-trippy about us coming to visit him and I know he'd rather just have us do most of the caretaking ourselves. He can afford one full-time, but finding someone that fully fits his needs is a whole process and the timing has to be right. He's also told me before that he wants my sisters and I to live around this area for the next few years so I don't think he (or anyone in my family for that matter) would really get behind any plans I have for moving away.

 

[Life_and_Death]

i dont disagree that you arent the asshole, but it does have me wondering because 'you' hear about older people that didnt have anyone there for them (not including the people that push people away). i just find it sad, the fact that i dont have anyone that would be there for me probably doesnt help.

(just to make sure its clear, im talking about elder cases in general, not yours specifically. for yours i think your family should help out a bit more, taking turns or something)

 

[hi-okbye]

your not responsible for him, as much as he guilt trips you into believing you are. i'm sorry your going through this situations but you have the right to live your own life and literally NO one, can choose otherwise.

you deserve to have freedom and live your own life, good luck <3

 

[wistfulness]

One should never be guilt tripped to care for elderly relatives unless you're the type that's already planned what to do with an inheritance.
But assuming you try to be a decent person and given your natural naivety of being 19 , do not let people abuse your empathy and play on your emotions. It can end up having the opposite effect.
I let my dad emotionally manipulate me into spending too much time with a elderly nan, and i put down the lack of appreciation for my sacrifice as the cause for my physical ailments and I now despise my father and have cut soul ties.
I hope you find the best solution for everyone. And if your father is loving I hope he realized your worth.

I really appreciate your advice @TooConscious, it definitely rings true for me. I'm sorry you went through something similar. I get what you're saying about the manipulation though - my family members make a competition out of who sees my dad the most, yet give my sister and I (who see him the most) the least appreciation! So many people take for granted huge sacrifices others have made for them. I've seen both sides of that.

 

[thefinalcut]

This is total bullshit to put such an incredible burden on you. Not the asshole... not even close. Your other family members are using you. It says a lot good about you that you've even done as much as you have.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

He just hired another caretaker that comes for a few hours multiple days a week to cook and clean. He's had a few of them over the past few months but no one stable. Honestly though he gets pretty guilt-trippy about us coming to visit him and I know he'd rather just have us do most of the caretaking ourselves. He can afford one full-time, but finding someone that fully fits his needs is a whole process and the timing has to be right. He's also told me before that he wants my sisters and I to live around this area for the next few years so I don't think he (or anyone in my family for that matter) would really get behind any plans I have for moving away.

It just isn't right to expect a 19 year-old to devote their life to taking care of an elderly relative. It's just not right and it wasn't right if he expected this when he had you nearing 60. If you're posting here then you're probably questioning life and if this situation is making you feel that way then it's doubly not right.