Ah, just my luck...

[ohhgeeitsme]

Please bear with me here.

Some of you know a lot of this, but let me recap. I've been suicidal for two years now. When I first made plans to kill myself, my uncle died on the same week my mom was diagnosed with cancer, and then she died six months later. There were also other things going on that added to the stress for my family. Since they were already going through so much, I felt like too much of an asshole to go through with it. At that time, I did have it in me to wait, so I did. Things got worse and eight months ago, I developed akathisia on top of everything else and I was just done. I attempted suicide four times a few months into that (December) right after I lost my job because of it and was about to lose my home. Of course, I failed, as I could not get the hanging right.

After I lost my home, I moved in with my father. As some of you know, I'm finding it especially difficult to CTB here because I hate the idea of him finding my body. Well, this week, I got to my breaking point and can't wait any longer. Mostly because of my job. I work super hard, only to be berated by the managers because they give me too much work I can't get done in time. Trust me when I say, I'm a hard worker and I try my best but it's simply too much work and they don't care. It's crazy how they talk to me sometimes. They basically let me know through their tone that I'm just a low life employee who doesn't matter and am not valued whatsoever. It's like they don't even see me as a human being. They can be downright hateful, disrespectful. Monday morning, it was the last straw. I just can't go back there, but if I quit my job, that will cause far too much stress right now that I can't handle either. Kratom has been helping me get through the akathisia. It's starting to lose effectiveness and when they chew me out at work for no good reason, I get so upset and angry that the akathisia spikes for hours to a level that no amount of kratom will stop. I've been writing all my last goodbyes today. The plan was to CTB late Wednesday, early Thursday morning.

Just an hour ago, I went into the kitchen and my dad told me that he went to the doctor. He's waiting on test results to get back for Covid. He's not worried about that, but if they come back okay, he'll then go in for chest x-rays, to look for... cancer. Same thing my mom died of. So here I am, again, feeling stuck. I still don't know if I can wait, though. I still may go through with it but damn, of course this would happen. I knows he's scared and for him, he has a lot to live for. He's actually happy again, after getting with his new girlfriend. Things are looking up on his side. Death for him is a terrifying prospect. I sincerely hope he's okay, but I also feel like an ass for my immediate thought to be about ME and my plans. I guess I also believe at this time that he's probably okay, probably worried over nothing, but still. While that in itself IS selfish, my reasons for wanting to CTB seriously aren't. I have no doubt that if people could step into my brain and feel all this, they would understand. Akathisia isn't the only reason I want to go. There is a whole list of things, that combined, is simply too much. I've wanted to since before it came, but it is the reason I want to go NOW.

People keep talking about the luck of 2020, how it's been a bad year for all of us, but it's far worse than any of them can imagine for some of us. If I didn't know any better, I'd be convinced I'm cursed. I just want ONE thing to go my way. Just once. Seems strange that in this moment, that one thing would be death

 

[jgm63]

So very sorry to hear all that you're going through at present.

 

[Isadeth]

I'm sorry to read of your mom and dad. It's very difficult to go through, then to be put on pause because you feel obligated to stay for those around you because the timing got messed up. 2020 really feels like a shit show for me too. I was doing well but some days are too much to bear with chronic pain. Then my father in law killed himself. I felt my opportunity was taken. I felt jealous of him. Then two days after we found him my mother in law was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Again, just awful timing. I feel it'll be quite awhile until I go eventually to make sure my husband is in a good place. I feel awful for even thinking about leaving him too. It might be too much for him and my children. And other days I know he has it covered and doesn't need me. He's strong.

I'm sorry you're struggling too. This year is awful. I hope things look up or get easier for you.

 

[itsamadworld]

Sounds like you have a lot to consider. Sorry to hear about your mom, and possibly your dad.

I can relate to the job thing. Just the whole system seems to be falling apart. I think the years of abuse in the workforce have left many of us slaves feeling like death is a better option than being stuck doing another few decades. Well, this is how I see have seen it for the past several years. If I don't ctb, I'll have to go back to work. I will probably do something different. I don't really want to work with too many people. I used to like people, then I met too many....I think overpopulation has something to do with that...

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

I'm sorry to read of your mom and dad. It's very difficult to go through, then to be put on pause because you feel obligated to stay for those around you because the timing got messed up. 2020 really feels like a shit show for me too. I was doing well but some days are too much to bear with chronic pain. Then my father in law killed himself. I felt my opportunity was taken. I felt jealous of him. Then two days after we found him my mother in law was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Again, just awful timing. I feel it'll be quite awhile until I go eventually to make sure my husband is in a good place. I feel awful for even thinking about leaving him too. It might be too much for him and my children. And other days I know he has it covered and doesn't need me. He's strong.

I'm sorry you're struggling too. This year is awful. I hope things look up or get easier for you.

I'm so sorry to hear about your father and mother in law as well. The sense of obligation really does make this much more difficult. I'm sure that it's even worse when his death was also a suicide. Whenever I start to feel peace about my decision, something happens that sets me back to my prior state of mind. It just seems like one thing after another.

I think I'm still going to do it this week though, unless of course I fail again. I've read more about it and learned of things I was doing wrong with my first attempts so I think my chances of succeeding are higher. This news just makes it even harder for me, but I am exhausted. I really have waited this out much longer than any loved ones will give me credit for. They simply don't get it and no matter how much I try to explain myself, the odds of them coming around are very slim. Much love to you.

Sounds like you have a lot to consider. Sorry to hear about your mom, and possibly your dad.

I can relate to the job thing. Just the whole system seems to be falling apart. I think the years of abuse in the workforce have left many of us slaves feeling like death is a better option than being stuck doing another few decades. Well, this is how I see have seen it for the past several years. If I don't ctb, I'll have to go back to work. I will probably do something different. I don't really want to work with too many people. I used to like people, then I met too many....I think overpopulation has something to do with that...

Work is definitely a big part of it. I don't even necessarily hate to work in general, just the work I'm bound to do. My anxiety has prevented me from living up to my true potential. Damage from seizures has destroyed my memory, and learning new skills isn't exactly my strong suit anymore. Both are the reason I never try to work my way up the ladder with jobs I can get. I can't even make important phone calls because it causes panic attacks.

Antidepressants have left me with severe anhedonia. I don't even enjoy music anymore. It's erased my libido. I don't even have any desire for romantic relationships either, or the desire to be around anyone, even just as friends.

If I continue to live like this, what's the point? I just can't be happy working a job that doesn't matter, that I hate, most hours of my life, for people who don't give a crap about me and barely pay me enough to support myself. Most people have other things that keep them going, and/or blind to the reality of the situation. They have other hobbies, people they enjoy being around. I don't enjoy anything. The only thing I look forward to is my next cigarette, seriously. I quit for a long time and started back again a few months ago just so I could enjoy something and also because the health risks don't bother me anymore.

Am I saying there is no hope and it will definitely be like this forever? No. I understand that there is a possibility things can get better and I may even thrive later in life. But I'm tired. Exhausted. I simply can't take anymore. I've been severely depressed for a decade now and my energy to fight has ceased. I tried, too.