Venting Ah 1.5w to go, anxious, angry

[Quarky00]

Ironically I'm not anxious about ctb, but about a possible recovery. Received some unexpected help (too little too late), plus a promise for more significant medical treatment etc.

I don't see much future. But that should have eased my final weeks. My ctb was brought forward unexpectedly a month ago. Some help would've made it much more comfortable, and delay it back to that later date. My social worker handles everything, forms & phone calls etc, I can hardly handle it. Called them dozen times, no answer. Secretary said they're in the office and will call me later. Been hearing that for 10 days. They are fully aware of my situation. Including "possible" ctb "soon". I don't buy this 'lack of resources'. No resource to pick up the phone and call me back?....

I did not put much hope in that, but it's really distressing having that 1% chance looming. I regret looking for help. I'd much rather ctb peacefully. (have to exhaust all options etc)

I really hate that. When people promise help and not just fail to do so -- but utterly. Like many other members wrote recently, that fake sorrow, "Why didn't they ask for help?" Well, I did. I literally called for help every day.

We did ask for help and you weren't there, or supplied such inadequate, poor, faulty, contemptuous "solutions".. or even failed to response at all.

I've gotten over "the system" and its flaws long time ago. But I'd really like to punch someone in the face


- 1 week is very short for me, mostly in bed can't don't do much, so days always pass by quickly..

 

[Freedom Believer]

Ironically I'm not anxious about ctb, but about a possible recovery. Received some unexpected help (too little too late), plus a promise for more significant medical treatment etc.

I don't see much future. But that could at least ease my final weeks. My ctb was brought forward unexpectedly a month ago. Some help would've made it much more comfortable, and delay it back to that later date. My social worker handles everything, forms & phone calls etc, I can hardly handle a thing. Called them dozen times, no answer. Secretary said they're in the office and will call me later. Been hearing that for 10 days. They are fully aware of my situation. Including "possible" ctb "soon". I don't buy this 'lack of resources'. No resource to pick up the phone and call me back?....

I did not put much hope in that, but it's really distressing having that 1% chance looming. I regret looking for help. I'd much rather ctb peacefully. (but have to exhaust all options etc)

I really hate that. When people promise help and not just fail to do so, but utterly. Like many other members wrote recently, the fake sorrow, "Why didn't they ask for help?".

We did, and you weren't there, and/or supplied such inadequate, poor, faulty, contemptuous "solutions". Or even a minimal response.

I've gotten over "the system" and its flaws long time ago. But I have literally called for help every day. I'd really like to punch someone in the face


- 1 week is very short for me, mostly in bed can't don't do much, so days always pass by quickly..

Yeah, days fly for me too. Just laying in bed nowadays except when I have to go to work.

 

[Readytogo#Broken]

It's strange waiting for sn your ticket out, but waiting for it's depressing the shit outta me, I hope you find some strength and the days are a bit easier if that's poss, also hope you make your decision when your good and ready not with pressure, iv gave up on "medical professionals" long time ago pointless viscous circle... have respect anyone turning it around ❤ hope you get your peace either way

 

[Quarky00]

Many are anxious but I came to terms with it few months back. And as days pass by became calmer. I'm good about death :) I hate the "outside world"

I hope you find some strength and the days are a bit easier if that's poss, also hope you make your decision when your good and ready not with pressure, iv gave up on "medical professionals" long time ago pointless viscous circle ❤ have respect anyone turning it around ❤

Thank you so much
Medical help -- for physical conditions (really helpful).

 

[Readytogo#Broken]

Many are anxious but I came to terms with it few months back. And as days pass by became calmer. I'm good about death :) I hate the "outside world"


Thank you so much
Medical help -- for physical conditions (really helpful).

Yes personally love the nhs for the dignity showed my parents and other people who are "physically sick" mental health it's just a case of here some more meds, truely a joke, hope you can get some strength and enjoy some simple things atm

 

[Quarky00]

Thank you. Your understanding of the situation made it better. I experience little emotion, so 'anger' is rare. Happy to have found this community I also remembered what I iterate:

You can control the situation. With the means and planning you can ctb, recover, or wait. You can do whatever you want.

(and I add to myself: "You are going die, everything is fine" ; who cares about idiots)

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Yeah people promise to help then ignore you that makes me so angry. I never believe any promises these days. That's something people say to convince themselves they care and then it's okay to do nothing.
Fwiw my thoughts are with you Quarky. I've always enjoyed your posts on here.

 

[Quarky00]

Yep that's tough, no trust at all.... Thanks for being here, it's really really helpful :-)

I stopped believing people long ago. But these are personal health/welfare professionals I pay for. I don't trust them either. I don't expect much. But at least return a damn phone call to a dying patient I guess we've hit rock bottom.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Yep that's tough, no trust at all.... Thanks for being here, it's really really helpful :-)

I stopped believing people long ago. But these are personal health/welfare professionals I pay for. I don't trust them either. I don't expect much. But at least return a damn phone call to a dying patient I guess we've hit rock bottom.

People don't know how to deal with it. I confess to times in my life when I've not behaved honourably. Like ditching a girlfriend by just not talking to her (sorry). We are all prone to weakness and we should all be better. There's times on here where I read something and don't know what to say. So I don't reply. Then I go back and say something, anything, because I've told myself I'll not ignore someone's suffering. But it's still tough sometimes.
Well, either that or your welfare people are just shite

 

[Quarky00]

People don't know how to deal with it. I confess to times in my life when I've not behaved honourably. Like ditching a girlfriend by just not talking to her (sorry). We are all prone to weakness and we should all be better. There's times on here where I read something and don't know what to say. So I don't reply. Then I go back and say something, anything, because I've told myself I'll not ignore someone's suffering. But it's still tough sometimes.
Well, either that or your welfare people are just shite

I'd go with shite ;) You are sweet
True we all have our weakness, and should be more tolerant. I rarely know what to say. It's so very kind of you to try. Rare.

 

[Readytogo#Broken]

I'd go with shite ;) You are sweet
True we all have our weakness, and should be more tolerant. I rarely know what to say. It's so very kind of you to try. Rare.

Really hope you get some strength, it sounds exhausting, stay heart strong if you can, try to rest you've fkn earned it

 

[Jean4]

I am so sorry you went through that. Yes, things and people are horrible in the outside world.

Know we are here when you need us. We understand and aren't going anywhere

 

[Quarky00]

Thank you. I am getting stronger, because of you.

My days should be as peaceful as possible, ctb or not.

 

[Quarky00]

I turned bit maniacal (not clinically)

Went to streets jaywalking & stopped a semi. My sadistic empty look silenced the driver.

Social worker -- 'There was some love making, heartbreaking, soul shaking..'

Gave him hell, and then some. "I love you but cut the bullshit". Housetrained in 5m. Fired concise factual answers at dumb solutions. He said "you're more competent & smart than any of us in the system". Told him what was coming --

My ctb case will go public – I recorded all sessions – expect an investigation into healthcare & welfare

Haven't felt so good in years...

- - - - - -

Sounds dramatic but was very cold-blooded & calculated.
Horrible morning, decided to act. Gulped AEs , medical meals , pancreatic pills , antispasmodic , benzos . Tired of aggressive people in the world & on the street. Fuck you! Was careful, not reckless.... Protected ctb well and was never aggressive. Nothing will be solved but amusing and cathartic for me. I've already signed privacy & medical waiver. My digital information is safe and so is SS.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I'm not sure what you've done Quarky, are you okay?

 

[Quarky00]

I'm not sure what you've done Quarky, are you okay?

Yeah, that was hectic... I basically gave it one last try with SW, pressured hard, and took my anger out at the system.

Planning to send my records to watchdogs, activists, journalists, etc after ctb -- hope things will change for others; if euthanasia is not legal at least stop abusing patients !

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Yeah, that was hectic... I basically gave it one last try with SW and took my anger out at the system.

Planning to send all my records to watchdogs, activists, journalists, etc after ctb -- hope things will change for others; if euthanasia is not legal, at least don't abuse patients.

Yeah that was hectic! Glad you are okay.

 

[Quarky00]

A lot happened -- hard to detail briefly. I'm okay thanx

Galvanized by "fake" help, I stormed and confronted anyone possible.. . Was intentional and planned. Intense but wasn't worried (feel invigorated).

Getting out of the house is rare. More so when I have GI bout. Took lots of pills. Bad physical state but felt good and determined. The streets (city) are simply too crowded, chaotic, aggressive, and dangerous. Rammed through and fuck all.. Confronted outpatient clinic, healthcare provider, social worker, insurance company. Tired of cooperating politely. And finally, prepared a file with evidence, to be released after death.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

A lot happened -- hard to detail briefly. I'm okay thanx Galvanized by "fake" help, I stormed and confronted anyone possible.. . Was intentional and planned. Intense but wasn't worried (feel invigorated). Getting out of the house is rare. More so when I have GI bout. Took lots of pills. Bad physical state but felt good and determined. The streets (city) are simply too crowded, chaotic, aggressive, and dangerous. Rammed through and fuck all.. Confronted outpatient clinic, healthcare provider, social worker, insurance company. Tired of cooperating politely. And finally, prepared a file with evidence, to be released after death.

Haha yeah I have episodes like that where I'm galvanised into action and tell people what for. Good for you.

 

[Quarky00]

A lot happened in one week, hard to process ..

• Trigeminal nerve pain (OUCH) - had emergency procedure , relief
• Medical feeding - helpful (expensive)
• Rejected by outpatient clinic - "too disabled" Gotta love the system
• Offered temp accommodation , nice
• & More ..

Overall feeling better

I don't have a reason to live or future ahead , and that's true for a long time . Consensus here is that if you have some option , possibility , or improvement then 'don't ctb now but wait' ; I adhere to that but dislike it (double standards!) and want to ctb . In a week I'll either ctb at home or move to temp accommodation and suspend (don't know don't care:) .Lots of tough rough hurdles for second option.

Thanks for listening , helps focus and calm , people here are great

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Being ill really does suck and severely limits your options doesn't it? And that's not even considering dealing with the illness itself.
I'm glad you have some options even if they are limited. Temp accommodation maybe? If outpatients won't see you, doesn't that mean that by default you should be an inpatient?

 

[Quarky00]

Yep limiting

If outpatients won't see you, doesn't that mean that by default you should be an inpatient?

Current bed capacity -- 138% I'm not joking. I've actually checked. They'd accept me only if said "going to kill myself now", then tranquilize me in the corridor for several days, afterwards released (to be homeless).

"Temp accommodation maybe?" is a concise accurate title of my life now. ;)

 

[Broken Chimera]

You're really going through some bs. I'm sorry things are going so bad for you. But good on you for standing up for yourself.