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nowhere
- Sep 12, 2020
- 1,043
Therapy was the only thing that gave me a gleam of hope, like a tiny tender seedling, but in the end it not only trampled it down with all its might, but uprooted and tore it apart.
One cannot replant a destroyed seedling expecting it to recover, let alone to blossom.
It can only decay.
So here I am, shedding tears all day long. I feel like a gaping wound.
I've only recently realized that crying doesn't have a calming effect like it once did. It is an endless misery. My problems are probably too complex for this world, I am not a textbook patient. I'm sorry, but what should I do? If techniques that are normally meant to help drive me to death, what happens when I do things that kill me?
I pressed my bottle of SN against my chest, almost embracing it. It will redeem me. This, or a train. I want to tear this body apart, as my mind already is.
I hope to be able to do it when the time comes. I hope it won't be too agonizing, but it probably will. There is so much frustration, hopelessness, despair and pain. Maybe anger, too.
Nothing can even rudimentarily alleviate this agony. I don't want to do it, but I am forced to.
Now I am tired, and will surrender to another restless night.
One cannot replant a destroyed seedling expecting it to recover, let alone to blossom.
It can only decay.
So here I am, shedding tears all day long. I feel like a gaping wound.
I've only recently realized that crying doesn't have a calming effect like it once did. It is an endless misery. My problems are probably too complex for this world, I am not a textbook patient. I'm sorry, but what should I do? If techniques that are normally meant to help drive me to death, what happens when I do things that kill me?
I pressed my bottle of SN against my chest, almost embracing it. It will redeem me. This, or a train. I want to tear this body apart, as my mind already is.
I hope to be able to do it when the time comes. I hope it won't be too agonizing, but it probably will. There is so much frustration, hopelessness, despair and pain. Maybe anger, too.
Nothing can even rudimentarily alleviate this agony. I don't want to do it, but I am forced to.
Now I am tired, and will surrender to another restless night.
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