Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
Since yesterday or so... I've been feeling like myself again.
Feeling like ny laughing, creative, always wanting to sing, talkative, always wanting to dance,innovative etcetc self.
I actually like myself a lot. I've never really been in a place in my life until recently to enjoy myself as a human being but here I am.
I was sleeping jus now but had to get up. I have to add salt to my water or else it just runs right through me
but since I've been adding salt to my water I've been feeling a lot better in general so yayyy hydration for chronic health issued bodies
Plus the cigarettes smoke was comin through and had to light an incense.
I have/had some dreams of creative endeavors and hopefully getting enough money to move outta here tbh. Like the first thing I'd do is move.
but thats not just some pipe dream thats a long term goal
Anyway... so I just woke up right? I actually was gonna go back to sleep but I'm kinda awake now.
My workers yesterday asked me if I wanted him to call anyone. Well my aunt seemed like a good contender sooo.... if she won't listen to him then I know its not the one/I will be moving on but ima try.
I'm writing in the recovery section bc... again... (im ashamed of this but I'm also not gonna let the shame overwelm me. )
Im thinking of living again... or trying..
I dunno... feeling like myself again with all this goin on has left me feeling. Conflicted as hell tbh.
I'm thinking of going to therapy but its been a full on... month or smthin since we've met bc didn't book for a week or 2 and then had 2 appts but was too distraught and sleepy to even remember
But bc it's been a month I'm like
not sure wtf to say?? Therapy for me usually consists of like 30-45min updates and then like an hour of therapy work... I imagine this session will mostly be updating but I dunno...
I just took my ADHD meds so I have choices within my day...
Hmm well the original plan was dragging my guitar out- seeing the price- finding a nitrogen supplier- and all that so suicide planning... and tbh? I don't NOT feel like doing that...
Other plans were to catch up with friends, therapy, cleaning...
I've really tried to find a way of balancing life & death well enough to be able to allow both to exist within me and my days but tbh I was/am not very good at that bc either entails a lot of different things.
Hell my life consists of just a bunch of shit, appts, clean up, organization, maintenance like health and shit. lots of things I'm tired of but I don't have the choice of dropping the ball or whatever. Like one thing ima need people to understand is advice around relaxing never helps me at all bc 1. Relaxing really for me is being able to drop off the face of the earth and sleep (at least rn/these days and I guess thats speaks to the level of stress) 2. Dropping off the face of tje earth is not managing health issues and shit so there is always a lot of like.maintence to be done once I am done "relaxing".
I dunno when my life became a survival mode fucking guideline basically but alas it has again so... Its not per say... in me to be able to enjoy life by simply relaxing rn... so yee like just being able to do leisurely things is not within my range. It'll take some time and again more supports to get there. I need to feel like some weight is off my shoulders or I'm exiting this life.
I've carried around the world and navigated it as best as I can for yrs and I started to finally rest the last yr... I'm not in that place and it took me a long time to "just relax" like one of my workers and I have been working on it for 2 freaking yrs so its fr fra struggle. Getting outta survival mode is such a fucking struggle.
Not gonna like pretend it's ok when I'm suffocating. Not gonna feel like a warrior bc I cope with what isn't within my range. I used to feel shame when I hit my own limits bc I thought I was supposed to be limitless or like "well im an adult now and its all my job to take care of everything and if I complain about it then I'm being weak and expecting people to take care of it for me" and ughhh my inner critic is such a stupid bitch.
In what fucking workd was I ever EVEN comfortable with anyone helping me much less "taking care of things for me" it's taken me sooo long to let my friend help me and not feel guilt sooo hello?? I am a real human that needs real fucking support not some leech or whatever. Not "learned helplessness"(I hate that term but thats a rant for another day) its just very real acknowledgement of my struggles.
Death consists of letting go of all that shit and planning plus executing. Which is a simple sentence to write but it isnt simple at all. It's actually quite... heavy and hard. Theres anxiety at every moment. Wondering if it'll work out. If it'll be the right thing. If I'll be able to. I don't have the much anxiety about it now. Like I'm ready to die like this week but... thats taken a long time to quell those fears.
Soooo I've never done both in a day really or whenever I try it leads to heavy ass melt downs bc its too unbalanced.
But forcing either leads to heavy ass melt downs too sooo...
I dunno... sighhsss jus waking up now so not too sure... I gotta be honest... maybe I am not too ready to live much yet. It makes me miserable to think about but that could be bc I'm very very hungry rn...
nothing feels good when my blood sugar is low.
But I kinda do wanna do some death planning... but I also wanna do some dancing... and I also wanna do lots of laughing and wanna do some talking...
Well thats my post... I'm gonna go brush my teeth, do a smoke cleanse and day dream for like up to 30mins and then get some food before therapy starts.
Feeling like ny laughing, creative, always wanting to sing, talkative, always wanting to dance,innovative etcetc self.
I actually like myself a lot. I've never really been in a place in my life until recently to enjoy myself as a human being but here I am.
I was sleeping jus now but had to get up. I have to add salt to my water or else it just runs right through me
but since I've been adding salt to my water I've been feeling a lot better in general so yayyy hydration for chronic health issued bodies Plus the cigarettes smoke was comin through and had to light an incense.
I have/had some dreams of creative endeavors and hopefully getting enough money to move outta here tbh. Like the first thing I'd do is move.
but thats not just some pipe dream thats a long term goalAnyway... so I just woke up right? I actually was gonna go back to sleep but I'm kinda awake now.
My workers yesterday asked me if I wanted him to call anyone. Well my aunt seemed like a good contender sooo.... if she won't listen to him then I know its not the one/I will be moving on but ima try.
I'm writing in the recovery section bc... again... (im ashamed of this but I'm also not gonna let the shame overwelm me. )
Im thinking of living again... or trying..
I dunno... feeling like myself again with all this goin on has left me feeling. Conflicted as hell tbh.
I'm thinking of going to therapy but its been a full on... month or smthin since we've met bc didn't book for a week or 2 and then had 2 appts but was too distraught and sleepy to even remember
But bc it's been a month I'm like
not sure wtf to say?? Therapy for me usually consists of like 30-45min updates and then like an hour of therapy work... I imagine this session will mostly be updating but I dunno... I just took my ADHD meds so I have choices within my day...
Hmm well the original plan was dragging my guitar out- seeing the price- finding a nitrogen supplier- and all that so suicide planning... and tbh? I don't NOT feel like doing that...
Other plans were to catch up with friends, therapy, cleaning...
I've really tried to find a way of balancing life & death well enough to be able to allow both to exist within me and my days but tbh I was/am not very good at that bc either entails a lot of different things.
Hell my life consists of just a bunch of shit, appts, clean up, organization, maintenance like health and shit.
lots of things I'm tired of but I don't have the choice of dropping the ball or whatever. Like one thing ima need people to understand is advice around relaxing never helps me at all bc 1. Relaxing really for me is being able to drop off the face of the earth and sleep (at least rn/these days and I guess thats speaks to the level of stress) 2. Dropping off the face of tje earth is not managing health issues and shit so there is always a lot of like.maintence to be done once I am done "relaxing". I dunno when my life became a survival mode fucking guideline basically but alas it has again so... Its not per say... in me to be able to enjoy life by simply relaxing rn... so yee like just being able to do leisurely things is not within my range. It'll take some time and again more supports to get there. I need to feel like some weight is off my shoulders or I'm exiting this life.
I've carried around the world and navigated it as best as I can for yrs and I started to finally rest the last yr... I'm not in that place and it took me a long time to "just relax" like one of my workers and I have been working on it for 2 freaking yrs so its fr fra struggle. Getting outta survival mode is such a fucking struggle.
Not gonna like pretend it's ok when I'm suffocating. Not gonna feel like a warrior bc I cope with what isn't within my range. I used to feel shame when I hit my own limits bc I thought I was supposed to be limitless or like "well im an adult now and its all my job to take care of everything and if I complain about it then I'm being weak and expecting people to take care of it for me"
and ughhh my inner critic is such a stupid bitch. In what fucking workd was I ever EVEN comfortable with anyone helping me much less "taking care of things for me" it's taken me sooo long to let my friend help me and not feel guilt sooo hello?? I am a real human that needs real fucking support not some leech or whatever. Not "learned helplessness"(I hate that term but thats a rant for another day) its just very real acknowledgement of my struggles.
Death consists of letting go of all that shit and planning plus executing. Which is a simple sentence to write but it isnt simple at all. It's actually quite... heavy and hard. Theres anxiety at every moment. Wondering if it'll work out. If it'll be the right thing. If I'll be able to. I don't have the much anxiety about it now. Like I'm ready to die like this week but... thats taken a long time to quell those fears.
Soooo I've never done both in a day really or whenever I try it leads to heavy ass melt downs bc its too unbalanced.
But forcing either leads to heavy ass melt downs too sooo...
I dunno... sighhsss jus waking up now so not too sure... I gotta be honest... maybe I am not too ready to live much yet. It makes me miserable to think about but that could be bc I'm very very hungry rn...
nothing feels good when my blood sugar is low. But I kinda do wanna do some death planning... but I also wanna do some dancing... and I also wanna do lots of laughing and wanna do some talking...
Well thats my post... I'm gonna go brush my teeth, do a smoke cleanse and day dream for like up to 30mins and then get some food before therapy starts.
