For the past couple of monts my therapy and new medication, in a combination with a intership at a high school type of school (aranged by the emplyments office) seemed to work great: suicidal thoughts seemed to get further and further apart and easier to abstract from when they were there. Life began gradually to return to me. The light in my life became brighter by every day. Then out of the blue my meds got cancelled: Apparently not enough patients use this medication in my country and the company importing them decided to stop. There are no substitutes. Now i need a special permit for the pharmacy to get them elsewhere (takes 2-3 monts) and in the meantime I have to go to a different country to buy them, but it's not certain that they will accept the prescription. They're also way more expensive there and i can only get 3 months worth - if they accept my prescription.
The internship as a teacher has gradually increased the work load but it's ok i enjoy it. I love teching and apparently i am quite good at it.
However, the job has now become a big burden with big responsibility. Under normal circumstances i would be able to cope with that. But right now i'm starting to crumble and crack. I've been put here by the employment sevice to determine if and how much i can work and hopefully to give me a postitive experience that i am usefull. I have been unemployed for 5 years.. Depressed for 20 years, but particularly bad during the last 4-5 years. Gradually during the past month or so i have started to gain faith in that the future may not be as black as it seemed. But the suddenly....On top of the medication situation, i got information that i dont have all the qualifications required... (i was sure that i had, i have a masters degree in one field, but apparently schools want me to also have a bachelor degreee in another field aswell). Well, shit. There goes my plan B. I dont have a plan C and plan "A" (being a researcher) went out of the window years ago. So here i am, feeling useles, unwanted, no skills, no qualification. All that i have and know is now old knowledge and obsolete. I am just a useless waste of space and time. Hating my life and myself more than ever. I cant imagine anyone being able to choose more poorly than i have done in the past 20 years of my life. Every single choice i've made has been a choice that later came to bite me in the a$$. How can i make such bad choices every single time? I am fed up. Enough is enough. I regret having to leave my wife and kids but nothing good will come out of me staying here. I am not able to do the most basic thing things, as provide for them and be a good husband and father
I have ordered what is necessary and i have to wait a week or so for it to get here. Time for preparation.
Time for action.
Every single job-application i've sent out has been turned down (+300).
Each time it has taken a little piece out of me, leaving holes behind. Holes that i now try to fill with antidepressants. I cannot do this anymore.
There are too many holes... i have bevome a hollow husk of what i used to be.
What about my family? I am way past thinking about my family. For years they were the only thing keeping me here. I am past that now. Initially it will be hurtfull loosing me, but in the long rung they are better off without me. Nothing really matters anymore.
I am loosing the grip on myself. I just hope that i can stay together long enough to do whats needed.
Exit with watever little dignity i have left in my sorry life.
The internship as a teacher has gradually increased the work load but it's ok i enjoy it. I love teching and apparently i am quite good at it.
However, the job has now become a big burden with big responsibility. Under normal circumstances i would be able to cope with that. But right now i'm starting to crumble and crack. I've been put here by the employment sevice to determine if and how much i can work and hopefully to give me a postitive experience that i am usefull. I have been unemployed for 5 years.. Depressed for 20 years, but particularly bad during the last 4-5 years. Gradually during the past month or so i have started to gain faith in that the future may not be as black as it seemed. But the suddenly....On top of the medication situation, i got information that i dont have all the qualifications required... (i was sure that i had, i have a masters degree in one field, but apparently schools want me to also have a bachelor degreee in another field aswell). Well, shit. There goes my plan B. I dont have a plan C and plan "A" (being a researcher) went out of the window years ago. So here i am, feeling useles, unwanted, no skills, no qualification. All that i have and know is now old knowledge and obsolete. I am just a useless waste of space and time. Hating my life and myself more than ever. I cant imagine anyone being able to choose more poorly than i have done in the past 20 years of my life. Every single choice i've made has been a choice that later came to bite me in the a$$. How can i make such bad choices every single time? I am fed up. Enough is enough. I regret having to leave my wife and kids but nothing good will come out of me staying here. I am not able to do the most basic thing things, as provide for them and be a good husband and father
I have ordered what is necessary and i have to wait a week or so for it to get here. Time for preparation.
Time for action.
Every single job-application i've sent out has been turned down (+300).
Each time it has taken a little piece out of me, leaving holes behind. Holes that i now try to fill with antidepressants. I cannot do this anymore.
There are too many holes... i have bevome a hollow husk of what i used to be.
What about my family? I am way past thinking about my family. For years they were the only thing keeping me here. I am past that now. Initially it will be hurtfull loosing me, but in the long rung they are better off without me. Nothing really matters anymore.
I am loosing the grip on myself. I just hope that i can stay together long enough to do whats needed.
Exit with watever little dignity i have left in my sorry life.
