Help Advice on how to deal or die

[noctiva]

I can't take much more anymore, I'm losing my mind. I'm completely isolated now, 8 weeks ago I was a member of a family with 7 people (including me). It is so quiet, every day is monotonous, there is no joy, no laughter.

I am losing touch with reality, I can see them, I can hear them. When I sleep I have vivid dreams of them laughing with me, going with me to the bookstore, making cake with me, being at basketball matches with me. I can feel my partners warmth and touch. And then I wake up, and all I can do is cry my eyes out for hours, sitting in bed rocking back and forth like a child, clutching the stuffed toy he brought me against my chest.
This is not life anymore, this isn't even death, this is torture.

I have tried everything to take my mind of things. While trying to clean I found a hair of his, started crying uncontrollably, put it back on the floor. I don't know if I'll ever see him again or if he'll ever come by again to shed another hair of his here. Tried to do laundry, found his dirty laundry in the basket.. It smells like him, I remember him wearing it here, I remember him taking it off, I cannot wash that. Every time I put my face oil on after shower or before going to bed I cry. I used to put the oil on him too, in the beginning he humoured me with it, then he actually stuck around and waited for me to do it, looking very happy and relaxed when I would do it. I haven't brushed my hair in 8 weeks, because he last used my hairbrush and it has his hairs in it. I have yogurts in my fridge that expired more than a month ago, 4th of October. He bought them, they will stay there until after the day I die or until he comes back and buys new ones.
I'm not saying this is healthy, but this is the naked truth. I love him and his family more than my life. I get it, it's not good to love someone that much and oneself so little, but I am not alive without him, I only survive. He made me someone I like, someone who is part of a family, someone who is loved and who is allowed to love back, someone who is supported and who is allowed to support back. I was a friend, a partner, a lover, a 'mother', a 'daughter in law', I loved every role of this. I have no part left of myself that I like, the only thing I have left is 'failed scientist' and 'tax payer until the end of the year and then unemployed'.

The only reason I'm still here is because he said he needs to think. But I am so close every day to just take the meto stat dose and go, I can't hold on anymore. I'm terrified of Advent and Christmas, I cannot do it without my family. Or the people I consider to be my family and who consider me nothing. I just want to go home to recharge, I don't even want to interact or ask anything from anyone or help anyone with anything, I just want to be tolerated to lie on the floor in the bedroom and smell the smell of home and hear the sounds of home to feel some semblance of humanity and safety.

I'm sorry for the whining, I am losing my mind with the isolation and loneliness and the eternal waiting.

I have nothing left to do anymore. I have everything I need for SN (tmi: including adult diapers, @Stan), I have written my notes, my holographic will, I have put up the signs for the EMTs, I have bought and packed the Christmas presents for him and the kids and his mom, I made him one last pair of socks that I finished today, I have made memory boxes and sorted everything. I have nothing to do anymore but wait and be here on the forum and then... die or go home. I don't know how to wait anymore.

 

[LMLN]

I'm so sorry about your terrible circumstances. I am in a somewhat similar situation except my husband cbt. He was my whole life and living is pure torture without him. I too have not washed the last clothes he wore. Everything in our house reminds me of him and our life together. Its hell for me. Nobody in my real life understands the torture.
I can only say if you think there is a chance for reconciliation maybe you can find a way to wait. Im not sure how to cope though. I'm not coping well at all myself. Did he give any indication of how long he would think?
I understand. It must be torture. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry we've come to this place. A year ago I never would have imagined things being this way. It's horrible and I feel for you. Feel free to PM me anytime.

 

[Stan]

I know it is horrendous being part of being something larger than you in the way of family, friend and the one you love. It's like a majority of you has died already and the body is dragging its feet to catch up with the rest of life. This time of year is painful, truly painful. To be reminded of a lack of family, the want to share and bond over a meal, some drinks and a laugh. It's like that story of Prometheus being tortured everyday, healing overnight and then going through the same torture, day after day. Reminders will always be around. Whether it be an object, a smell or an intrusive memory of something. Time diminishes for some people but I doubt it ever heals.

I have nothing to offer but an ear. Knowing the place you are in mentally hurts as I empathise greatly. Do what you can to give yourself comfort. I can only suggest you make your decision when you know everything has been exhausted. Only then I believe can some of us take courage with the next step.

 

[noctiva]

Thank you @LMLN and @Stan for your kind replies. I am sorry that both of you can empathize, I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.
I don't know if there is any chance for reconciliation, I don't even understand what is happening anymore, I am so lost. Usually I would just go and get him, but he explicitly told me that he needs to be alone and that I should not come by. So I have no idea. I feel abandoned and rejected, my head is going in circles and I am losing my mind. I don't do anything anymore but cry and everyone is pretty much fed up with me by now. But I was, and for the first time in my life, actually alive and well, safe and accepted. And I cannot go back to being the bullshit old me, barely surviving, depressed, constantly threatened and rejected. This is not a person I can go back to. As I said, this family gave me everything I ever wanted, warmth and love, the roles of friend, partner, lover, 'mother', 'daughter in law', I felt at home.
I don't know how to deal and I am reaching the point where I am considering to ctb just so the pain stops somehow. That way he would also get the solitude he is asking for. Technically, my ctb would be a win-win, if I wanted to be dead. I don't want to die, but I cannot live like this anymore. I don't want to die, I want to be out of pain and I want to be safe and sound at home again.. It's all I can say over and over, I want to go home. As idiotic and naive as it sounds.

 

[Hotsackage]

Im on the edge to. Ready to do something drastic. Its fucking torture

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Thank you @LMLN and @Stan for your kind replies. I am sorry that both of you can empathize, I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.
I don't know if there is any chance for reconciliation, I don't even understand what is happening anymore, I am so lost. Usually I would just go and get him, but he explicitly told me that he needs to be alone and that I should not come by. So I have no idea. I feel abandoned and rejected, my head is going in circles and I am losing my mind. I don't do anything anymore but cry and everyone is pretty much fed up with me by now. But I was, and for the first time in my life, actually alive and well, safe and accepted. And I cannot go back to being the bullshit old me, barely surviving, depressed, constantly threatened and rejected. This is not a person I can go back to. As I said, this family gave me everything I ever wanted, warmth and love, the roles of friend, partner, lover, 'mother', 'daughter in law', I felt at home.
I don't know how to deal and I am reaching the point where I am considering to ctb just so the pain stops somehow. That way he would also get the solitude he is asking for. Technically, my ctb would be a win-win, if I wanted to be dead. I don't want to die, but I cannot live like this anymore. I don't want to die, I want to be out of pain and I want to be safe and sound at home again.. It's all I can say over and over, I want to go home. As idiotic and naive as it sounds.

Hugs. My inbox is open if you want a ear.

It's hard.. rejection is always painful. Some would say to love oneself first but that is not the easiest thing to do as well.

Wishing you peace.

 

[justwhy?]

You have articulated yourself so touchingly. You seem to want only life's most fundamental and grounded joys - those of companionship and family. That you are being denied them seems ineffably cruel.