Addiction and Recovery; Playing with Fire?

[Life_and_Death]

Keeping a case study of myself

interesting...
shroom high. come down from a shroom high.
stopped smoking weed before taking shrooms. stayed off weed for slightly over 24hrs.
and then had another joint (with the filter taking most of it so theres less weed)

lets just say...
i somehow ended up in the sanctuary trying to get here

a sobering experience? XD
i told my bf that id go another 24hrs tomorrow (so just this one)
we'll see how tomorrow goes.
what if i prefer myself high........

update.
im having my second joint. i went the whole day. YAY ME
thoughts?

i didnt like my high last night
i didnt really want this joint
i only took it because i didnt want to have withdrawal tomorrow

my high feels more normal tonight,
my brain hurts though. almost like its in a vice

i worry? question? feel like? by having this second joint im reigniting my addiction
did the shrooms actually work? just not how i expected?
i do still worry about being addicted to the shrooms..
i am feeling a little uncomfortable..

see how tomorrow goes.
take more, but less to let go of the weed addiction again?

see how tomorrow goes.

My bf is going to kill me..
I told him i threw it out.....
i literally got a christmas miracle
when he called me my pet name just before midnight..
today has been so amazing with him..

he wouldnt be wrong to hate me...
but if i can show improvements....

I want to cry.......

 

[Life_and_Death]

between wanting a joint and being pissed off at existence i had a shroom chocolate an hour or so before work. i havent left yet but its starting to hit me

ill admit my mistakes and that im an idiot
but at the same time maybe life shouldnt be so fucking stressful

besides...the paper said 1 makes you feel good or something and thats all i took

i didnt have the exact same reaction (obviously, i took less)
i had the same sick physical feeling as last time
i managed to work through my high so thats not too bad

idk what to say about my weed addiction
with my stress lvls being pushed to the limit this morning im really feeling fuck it
is it the stress?
did it help better last time because i took more and 1 just isnt enough to quite help?

try to not touch either today
i told my bf id try to go 48hrs...
of course... this was before my high stress lvls and my weed addiction saying hello...

my bfs right... i give more of a fuck about drugs than him..
but hes also right... i just want it to stop...
he knows my story.... he knows what ive been through
can he really blame/hate me for it?
id love to see anyone in my position handling it differently XD
everything hurts
everything is stressful
everything is wrong

 

[Life_and_Death]

im not feeling good, im upset..
i had a joint, but its been 48hrs and im gonna try to go for another 48.

im not wanting existence rn.... idk...

 

[Life_and_Death]

i didnt make it another 48. today, right now is just too....AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
but.. its still ok. its night again so i went 24hrs...

 

[Life_and_Death]

i had a joint. its supper time, close enough to a day?
i plan on having another joint later.
today my achievements are going to be
1) i waited until the afternoon
2) i stuck to my limit

i havent had any shrooms since the last time
honestly i have no idea when the last time was.
ive completely lost sense of time.
the only way i know is by what i say..
i said i waited X so it must have been X
im just blindly trusting myself..
i think the last time was monday..?
(checking...)
fuck...that was when i had my first dose!!
my last one was wednesday..

maybe babes right to worry about me..

 

[Life_and_Death]

i have bpd.... i literally cant show you i love you anymore than i do..... ill never be enough for you...

crash crash crash crash crash...
i cant handle anything anymore...

i want more shrooms,
i want more weed
i want to drink...

 

[Life_and_Death]

i had a joint. its supper time, close enough to a day?
i plan on having another joint later.
today my achievements are going to be
1) i waited until the afternoon
2) i stuck to my limit

success, i suppose...



i feel like i have nothing to give today though...
i suppose i can look at it as i had a successful week...
i kept some resemblance of control..

its new years
im emotionally dying/dead..
as long as i remember to pick myself up again i guess...


Supper time
2 joints later
ill pick myself up tomorrow....

 

[Life_and_Death]

the last 48hrs have been horrible
i had another piece of chocolate

 

[Life_and_Death]

waking up mid-high isnt fun, thankfully i went back to sleep

 

[Life_and_Death]

i think i hit my head a bit first. it wasnt that bad though
then i had another square of chocolate
ive had a joint
smashed my head really hard and felt the pain spread like water to the other side
now im smoking a hash joint

am i dead yet? (not from the drugs. although with this concussion maybe )

 

[Life_and_Death]

had another chocolate a little earlier and just ate another one now

 

[Life_and_Death]

had my last 2 shroom pieces
having a can of mikes
and a hash joint
i have another hash joint rolled and 5 more mikes in the fridge

oh and just when i was thinking at least i havent been high at work. i still have something, yeah i dont have that anymore

 

[Life_and_Death]

addicted?
im debating on trying to talk my exhus into getting me another chocolate bar..
my bf still doesnt know about the first one..
blatantly lied... "i threw it out"..
no i cant.. ive played with fire more than enough...
but i f'en hate this existence. reality.. i dont want to be part of it..
hes right... i just want to escape... but is that really such a bad thing....