In some instances she helped me. In some instances her advices were helpful. In other aspects it is damaging and detrimental.
First of All she forgets a lot. She forgets many details. She is pretty old and does not know how young people text each other for example. She claimed 5 messages a Day should be normal in a relationship.
I think she reinforces my fears and insecurities. She exaggerates how Bad it is that I had barely dating experiences with 27. This is her Main assumption. I am not enough developed in my sexual development and this was my core issue why I struggle with woman. But this is complete bullshit. First of All I had contact with other women when I Was younger. She sort of assumed way too early I had no female friends in my earlier life. I corrected her later and then she went on with this thesis anyway. She thought I would see nothing else in women than sexual objects. This is complete bullshit. I had love delusions because I have such a strong desire for a partner. And my Paranoia is influencing my behavior. I have These crushes/love delusions not because I cannot have female friends because I sexualize them. Instead stress makes me paranoid, I have a strong inner desire for a partner and she makes the mistake to interpret too much into paranoid thinking by taking it literal.
She often also does not get subtle paranoia. My friends who know me many years can spot my paranoia so easily. There are different levels of paranoia and my friends notice even slight paranoia. Instead my therapist told me this slight paranoia Was no Paranoia at all and just normal thinking. I thought my phone might record our psychotherapy session and got really nervous despite the fact I checked it a couple of times. And she does not consider that paranoid. Bro she is so stupid. She compared me with someone in an acute psychosis. But I am way more self-aware and it is extremely important to notice the early stages of Paranoia and she is simply blind for that.
The core issue why I struggled to connect with women in college Was my Paranoia. I think she is surprised or does not get that someone with psychosis can be aware about psychotic thoughts. The problem is the stress. I am not very resilient I am very fragile. I thought I was condemned to love delusions for the Rest of my life. But I noticed when I am not studying at all I can sort of control it. It will still likely happen but later in the process. I met a woman over a dating app and it happened after two/three weeks. But only because we had contact 24/7. It is sad I cannot find someone while studying but the college stress makes it utterly impossible. But I still have the chance to meet women through dating apps, my self-help group or other activities. A good therapist should encourage the options I have. I still have options to find someone despite the fact it might be difficult.
So the last woman I dated from the Dating App sort of ghosted me. And my therapist told me she thinks it is because I was not sexually experienced enough. Lmao. Yes this is an insecurity of mine. And yes she makes me anxious by saying that and reinforces my insecurities. But rationally it is complete and utter bullshit what she is saying. And I told her. "Maybe you are speculating a little bit too much in this instance." The Thing is there is no evidence not even one Single hint this might be the truth. I already told her a lot what happened between us. She just forgot almost everything and claimed bullshit out of nowhere. I told her my theory. The woman thought I sexualized her too much and that I pressured her too much into getting intimate. There are some hints for that theory and the woman told me afterwards she thought it was too early. And she also cut herself afterwards. Tbh I still don't feel guilty. It would be insane to feel Guilty about that. She initiated everything. Sent me nudes all the time, was very offensive with sexting and also started to touch me first at that Date. I asked her for allowance so many, times in the process and was very careful she confirmed that afterwards.
I still think maybe I did something wrong. And it is Bad enough that we split. But my therapist just pretends we split because I was sexually not experienced enough. Which is a proof to me that she simply does not listen to me.
I also don't feel too bad. Maybe it was a mistake to stay overnight the first date. This is the only Thing I could have changed. But after the date she became so mean to me. She completely changed became manipulative, insulted me. For example that she does not like my personality at All. When I wanted to talk about it afterwards she just claimed it was a joke. She became so toxic and I found out she has Borderline. I think I am not the problem in this equation. She has a body count of 19 and had probably countless men with whom she did the same as with me. Personally, I feel good making These experiences. And I really liked her to that time Point. But she simply Was not the same Person anymore after our Date. She treated me like shit. It would be a huge mistake to worry oh what have I done wrong when it is obvious that woman cannot maintain stable social relations. She Said to me it never occured that she did something wrong in a relationship it were always the men who did something wrong to her. Tbh when she told me that I thought this is a Big Red flag. But I ignored it. Though I kept it in mind which is why it did not completely surprise me what happened.
Maybe I only emphasized the Bad sides of my therapist. But I needed to vent. I still think everyone who can should try therapy and medication. I think the effect is Overall net positive.
I notice my urge to vent in this forum gets way stronger again. The fear eats me alive. My suicidal thoughs got so much less the last months. And now when I return to college my anxiety becomes so much worse. The positive is: I never thought I could reach such a state. The negative is: the nexts days/or weeks gonna become really ugly. I only survived the college hell by writing walls of text in this forum daily. I think there should have been an adult in the room that should have protected me from this hell. Instead all of them pressured me to continue. Which made me almost kill myself in October. And my therapist sort of blamed me and told me I would have traumatized so many with this action. Obviously I am aware of that.
First of All she forgets a lot. She forgets many details. She is pretty old and does not know how young people text each other for example. She claimed 5 messages a Day should be normal in a relationship.
I think she reinforces my fears and insecurities. She exaggerates how Bad it is that I had barely dating experiences with 27. This is her Main assumption. I am not enough developed in my sexual development and this was my core issue why I struggle with woman. But this is complete bullshit. First of All I had contact with other women when I Was younger. She sort of assumed way too early I had no female friends in my earlier life. I corrected her later and then she went on with this thesis anyway. She thought I would see nothing else in women than sexual objects. This is complete bullshit. I had love delusions because I have such a strong desire for a partner. And my Paranoia is influencing my behavior. I have These crushes/love delusions not because I cannot have female friends because I sexualize them. Instead stress makes me paranoid, I have a strong inner desire for a partner and she makes the mistake to interpret too much into paranoid thinking by taking it literal.
She often also does not get subtle paranoia. My friends who know me many years can spot my paranoia so easily. There are different levels of paranoia and my friends notice even slight paranoia. Instead my therapist told me this slight paranoia Was no Paranoia at all and just normal thinking. I thought my phone might record our psychotherapy session and got really nervous despite the fact I checked it a couple of times. And she does not consider that paranoid. Bro she is so stupid. She compared me with someone in an acute psychosis. But I am way more self-aware and it is extremely important to notice the early stages of Paranoia and she is simply blind for that.
The core issue why I struggled to connect with women in college Was my Paranoia. I think she is surprised or does not get that someone with psychosis can be aware about psychotic thoughts. The problem is the stress. I am not very resilient I am very fragile. I thought I was condemned to love delusions for the Rest of my life. But I noticed when I am not studying at all I can sort of control it. It will still likely happen but later in the process. I met a woman over a dating app and it happened after two/three weeks. But only because we had contact 24/7. It is sad I cannot find someone while studying but the college stress makes it utterly impossible. But I still have the chance to meet women through dating apps, my self-help group or other activities. A good therapist should encourage the options I have. I still have options to find someone despite the fact it might be difficult.
So the last woman I dated from the Dating App sort of ghosted me. And my therapist told me she thinks it is because I was not sexually experienced enough. Lmao. Yes this is an insecurity of mine. And yes she makes me anxious by saying that and reinforces my insecurities. But rationally it is complete and utter bullshit what she is saying. And I told her. "Maybe you are speculating a little bit too much in this instance." The Thing is there is no evidence not even one Single hint this might be the truth. I already told her a lot what happened between us. She just forgot almost everything and claimed bullshit out of nowhere. I told her my theory. The woman thought I sexualized her too much and that I pressured her too much into getting intimate. There are some hints for that theory and the woman told me afterwards she thought it was too early. And she also cut herself afterwards. Tbh I still don't feel guilty. It would be insane to feel Guilty about that. She initiated everything. Sent me nudes all the time, was very offensive with sexting and also started to touch me first at that Date. I asked her for allowance so many, times in the process and was very careful she confirmed that afterwards.
I still think maybe I did something wrong. And it is Bad enough that we split. But my therapist just pretends we split because I was sexually not experienced enough. Which is a proof to me that she simply does not listen to me.
I also don't feel too bad. Maybe it was a mistake to stay overnight the first date. This is the only Thing I could have changed. But after the date she became so mean to me. She completely changed became manipulative, insulted me. For example that she does not like my personality at All. When I wanted to talk about it afterwards she just claimed it was a joke. She became so toxic and I found out she has Borderline. I think I am not the problem in this equation. She has a body count of 19 and had probably countless men with whom she did the same as with me. Personally, I feel good making These experiences. And I really liked her to that time Point. But she simply Was not the same Person anymore after our Date. She treated me like shit. It would be a huge mistake to worry oh what have I done wrong when it is obvious that woman cannot maintain stable social relations. She Said to me it never occured that she did something wrong in a relationship it were always the men who did something wrong to her. Tbh when she told me that I thought this is a Big Red flag. But I ignored it. Though I kept it in mind which is why it did not completely surprise me what happened.
Maybe I only emphasized the Bad sides of my therapist. But I needed to vent. I still think everyone who can should try therapy and medication. I think the effect is Overall net positive.
I notice my urge to vent in this forum gets way stronger again. The fear eats me alive. My suicidal thoughs got so much less the last months. And now when I return to college my anxiety becomes so much worse. The positive is: I never thought I could reach such a state. The negative is: the nexts days/or weeks gonna become really ugly. I only survived the college hell by writing walls of text in this forum daily. I think there should have been an adult in the room that should have protected me from this hell. Instead all of them pressured me to continue. Which made me almost kill myself in October. And my therapist sort of blamed me and told me I would have traumatized so many with this action. Obviously I am aware of that.
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