Actually... I might not have to kill myself if I... Murder

[Hollowillow]

I confess no plans this is just theories.

I have a toxin in my home. I messed it with acid cleaners & now everything offgas acid & itself. I can taste the appartment, my tongue swell, like drinking varnish remover all day. Agony.

But the worst agony are doctors & the building's employes doing gaslight, callung me insane... Torturing me mentally.

I'd love to make them drink drano to see how they'd like it.

I can't move out. Poor, no job, no references willing to say the kind things I deserve.

But if I was to kill all the people who mocked my pain, I'd be instantly relicated in a free home. Jail. I'd get abused & I hate cops but I'd stop being strangled by my own tongue & sufficate in acid. I'm abused either way. Might as well deserve it.

I'm not saying I will... But the world is fucked up to help murderers more than good people in pain.

I'd be happy to die. Too bad the death penalty is over. Being forced alive in jail would suck.

But, dear people who want to flee abuse with suicide... You too have other options.

 

[jodes2]

I've thought about relying on prison too. There's no way I could kill someone though. Maybe if I become a serial shoplifter I can get enough of a stay. Or maybe I should buy cocaine and snort it in front of police

 

[Thefuture]

I'd be careful inviting that sort of darkness into your life.

 

[purella]

I've had the same thing for a while, but with my parents. They're constantly having work done around the house, so all I smell day in day out is paint, I breathe in the offgas as well as the dust of old paint and wall debris. Always have a migraine and feel even duller than my usual concussed self. And I finally have a lease but that's another month out, the damage is already done. I've tried to leave and live out of my car but my because my dad broke my nose it's extremely hard to breathe even with medication, it gets stuffy. I wanted to go to mexico because I could afford a few months but my mom convinced me not to and said she wouldnt take care of my dog. To keep me from leaving my parents blackmail me and I have to come back always because of my situation. All I ask is for them to close my room door behind them when they enter and exit, but even this simple request leads to them yelling at me about how the horrible chemical smell enveloping me and melting my brain is harmless and that I'm delusional for thinking any different.

It's painful to experience these problems when someone else controls your environment. But when these people not only invalidate your experience but threaten, gaslight and belittle you? Like vitriol to an open wound. I've eaten shit in this way so many times and there's little I've been able to do about it because I'm stupid useless and have bad luck as a superpower

I tried to stay at a hotel for one night and ended up getting bitten by something similar to bedbugs. What was worse was the disgusting way the staff treated me for the problem they caused, I don't want to get into it but I've had severe ideations about what I'd do to the manager, who laughed in my face when I said at the very least I need my luggage dry cleaned, and one front of house member in particular, who screamed at me repeatedly, called me an annoyance, threatened to call the police on me for asking for plastic bags two times to sequester my belongings so bugs didn't spread to my car. I broke down at the front desk as I dragged all my shit to my car. I had to go to Walmart to get the other bags, fresh clothes and sandals. Bathed my dog. All the while fielding my parents who were going crazy pulling out all stops to get me to come back home, calling lawyers for consults because I wanted to hurt this fuckers wallet for not compensating in any way for bedbugs. it sucks because i have nobody who cares, I've tried talking to so called friends and they've either left me on read or straight up told me they dont care. so the only people i end up talking to are my parents, who are narcissists. I wanted to stay at my sister's for a month while she was on vacation because her apartment was empty and the dumb bitch wouldn't let me. (She also told me it was my fault for ruining my parents vacaton when my dad hit me in the head for breaking his disposable $2 earbuds, is near 30 but acts has the emotional maturity of a 14 year old) My uncle doesnt want me staying in his house either because he thinks I'm a bad influence on his sons for dropping out of college. (Constantly reminded of how I'm a failure by mom who acts like the victim, think lydia from sopranos when I only dropped out because my dad gave me brain damage)

Only ended up getting 90 off a $250 stay after emailing corporate btw.

 

[summers]

@Hollowillow wow, what a change from the lecture you handed me in the other thread.

So, you would rather murder people than just move out. Totally makes sense.

 

[purella]

@Hollowillow wow, what a change from the lecture you handed me in the other thread.

So, you would rather murder people than just move out. Totally makes sense.

I can't move out. Poor, no job, no references willing to say the kind things I deserve.

 

[Hollowillow]

I'd be careful inviting that sort of darkness into your life.

I've been abused... beaten and the police said I deserved it... So... It's already dark. Some payback before death would be liberating. But thank you for the warning, my mind does slip in the abyss too much sometimes.

 

[hamvil]

This is not a good path, be careful. I had similar ideas to take revenge on the people that hurt me but I tried to push that away.

 

[jodes2]

I've been abused... beaten and the police said I deserved it... So... It's already dark. Some payback before death would be liberating. But thank you for the warning, my mind does slip in the abyss too much sometimes.

How would going to prison be payback?

 

[Hollowillow]

I've had the same thing for a while, but with my parents. They're constantly having work done around the house, so all I smell day in day out is paint, I breathe in the offgas as well as the dust of old paint and wall debris. Always have a migraine and feel even duller than my usual concussed self. And I finally have a lease but that's another month out, the damage is already done. I've tried to leave and live out of my car but my because my dad broke my nose it's extremely hard to breathe even with medication, it gets stuffy. I wanted to go to mexico because I could afford a few months but my mom convinced me not to and said she wouldnt take care of my dog. To keep me from leaving my parents blackmail me and I have to come back always because of my situation. All I ask is for them to close my room door behind them when they enter and exit, but even this simple request leads to them yelling at me about how the horrible chemical smell enveloping me and melting my brain is harmless and that I'm delusional for thinking any different.

It's painful to experience these problems when someone else controls your environment. But when these people not only invalidate your experience but threaten, gaslight and belittle you? Like vitriol to an open wound. I've eaten shit in this way so many times and there's little I've been able to do about it because I'm stupid useless and have bad luck as a superpower

I tried to stay at a hotel for one night and ended up getting bitten by something similar to bedbugs. What was worse was the disgusting way the staff treated me for the problem they caused, I don't want to get into it but I've had severe ideations about what I'd do to the manager, who laughed in my face when I said at the very least I need my luggage dry cleaned, and one front of house member in particular, who screamed at me repeatedly, called me an annoyance, threatened to call the police on me for asking for plastic bags two times to sequester my belongings so bugs didn't spread to my car. I broke down at the front desk as I dragged all my shit to my car. I had to go to Walmart to get the other bags, fresh clothes and sandals. Bathed my dog. All the while fielding my parents who were going crazy pulling out all stops to get me to come back home, calling lawyers for consults because I wanted to hurt this fuckers wallet for not compensating in any way for bedbugs. it sucks because i have nobody who cares, I've tried talking to so called friends and they've either left me on read or straight up told me they dont care. so the only people i end up talking to are my parents, who are narcissists. I wanted to stay at my sister's for a month while she was on vacation because her apartment was empty and the dumb bitch wouldn't let me. (She also told me it was my fault for ruining my parents vacaton when my dad hit me in the head for breaking his disposable $2 earbuds, is near 30 but acts has the emotional maturity of a 14 year old) My uncle doesnt want me staying in his house either because he thinks I'm a bad influence on his sons for dropping out of college. (Constantly reminded of how I'm a failure by mom who acts like the victim, think lydia from sopranos when I only dropped out because my dad gave me brain damage)

Only ended up getting 90 off a $250 stay after emailing corporate btw.

Wow... Hell... I'd love to have you as a friend. Feel free to pm me, I will eventually overcome my fear to read them (had a ban warning... Now it's a struggle)

Could you rent a room, monthly as a roomate, as far from those narc psycho as possible? Put plastic in front on your door? Sue your dad for brain damage? I hope you'll escape... Can you get an operation to restore breathing in your nose? How do you cope?

They call it multiple chemical sensitivity

I too have a concussion, a car hit my head. I was dismissed as just insane again.

I hope you'll be free. Flee & don't look back. Go no contact. If you can feed yourself don't hesitate. Drive away. I read a story of a wife hitting her violent husband with a heavy frying pan while he slept and said that if he ever hit her again, there would be hell to pay.

Have some fun before you go.

@Hollowillow wow, what a change from the lecture you handed me in the other thread.

So, you would rather murder people than just move out. Totally makes sense.

Hi elf elder, always a delight to see you. Well, neither were my proydest moments. But I do think murder is better than suicide... At least against bullies who make us regret being alive. I wish I could at least break the nose of people mocking that it's just in my head, saying that line back at them. I think hatred of our abusers is more empowering than self hatred, helplesness & despair. Murder in self defense is legal. I don't think I should but it sure would relieve the torment they did to me. I can't move out fast enough. No where to go. I just moved out of an insalubrious home ... If I can't save my castle, I won't survive in shit holes. But the more I clean the worse it gets. Like it merged with the stuff in my home... Melting, sending extra new toxins.

I value your advice. How can I save my life. How am I supposed to move out with no reference, no job to impress landlords, and a neurotic personality... I'm screwed even if I had the courage & energy. I wish I could travel the world with a backpack

How would going to prison be payback?

The killing spree that'd lead to prison would be payback. But they'd torture me for decades for a few minutes of revenge. Not really worth it. Unless I suicide by cops. Hahaha win win. Sorry the pain makes me delirious? But I saw a lot of abused suicidal people, I wished they could kill their abuser instead

 

[summers]

How am I supposed to move out with no reference, no job to impress landlords, and a neurotic personality...

They are not the most luxurious, but many smaller, independent hotels/motels (at least in the US) offer weekly rates around $150-$200/week. I don't know if this fits in your budget, but there is no credit or reference check. And if you stay there for a while and pay on time, they will provide you a good reference for your next place.

 

[MountainMonkey]

I confess no plans this is just theories.

I have a toxin in my home. I messed it with acid cleaners & now everything offgas acid & itself. I can taste the appartment, my tongue swell, like drinking varnish remover all day. Agony.

But the worst agony are doctors & the building's employes doing gaslight, callung me insane... Torturing me mentally.

I'd love to make them drink drano to see how they'd like it.

I can't move out. Poor, no job, no references willing to say the kind things I deserve.

But if I was to kill all the people who mocked my pain, I'd be instantly relicated in a free home. Jail. I'd get abused & I hate cops but I'd stop being strangled by my own tongue & sufficate in acid. I'm abused either way. Might as well deserve it.

I'm not saying I will... But the world is fucked up to help murderers more than good people in pain.

I'd be happy to die. Too bad the death penalty is over. Being forced alive in jail would suck.

But, dear people who want to flee abuse with suicide... You too have other options.

I have homicidal daydreams at times. Mine happen when I am faced with injustice and feel powerless to protect myself. Humans give me anxiety, along with being indoors. I prefer to be alone in nature, in a tent, than in a city.

Sorry you're experiencing so much turmoil. You shouldn't have to endure that abuse. Smelling chemicals all day can take its toll on the human body. I'm genuinely afraid of 90% of cleaning products. I hope you find a way to leave your current situation.

Maybe you can escape for a few days, go camping, clear your head. Check if your state has blm land. It's free camping. I lived that way for years when I vanlifed (my happiest years)

 

[Hollowillow]

They are not the most luxurious, but many smaller, independent hotels/motels (at least in the US) offer weekly rates around $150-$200/week. I don't know if this fits in your budget, but there is no credit or reference check. And if you stay there for a while and pay on time, they will provide you a good reference for your next place.

Wow thank you. I wonder if there is that in Canada. It's more like 100$ a night with no reference

I have homicidal daydreams at times. Mine happen when I am faced with injustice and feel powerless to protect myself. Humans give me anxiety, along with being indoors. I prefer to be alone in nature, in a tent, than in a city.

Sorry you're experiencing so much turmoil. You shouldn't have to endure that abuse. Smelling chemicals all day can take its toll on the human body. I'm genuinely afraid of 90% of cleaning products. I hope you find a way to leave your current situation.

Maybe you can escape for a few days, go camping, clear your head. Check if your state has blm land. It's free camping. I lived that way for years when I vanlifed (my happiest years)

What did you do for laundry, bathrooms... In a tent for years? vanlifed? Aw... I can't drive. I wish...