"Actively" waiting for death.

[StateOfMind]

Got a solid plan that should work.
Now just trying to get in the right state of mind and hope that all the "right" emotional parameters align.
Won't be long now.
It's my birthday in two weeks, hopefully will be gone before then.
If not, well then fuck.. told myself I would be gone late of last year but that didn't happen.
I have no immediate pressures, but I think the sooner the better because my future looks bleak indeed.

 

[abruptum]

Take your time and go when youre ready, i wish you peace and hope you find your way.

 

[megafire]

mind if you let us in on the plan? is it still the train method?

 

[StateOfMind]

Take your time and go when youre ready, i wish you peace and hope you find your way.

I've been suicidal around five years. My fear is that if I leave it too long I will become too passive to ctb.
I can't even cook for myself and I'm almost 35 living in moms basement just ordering pizza when she is at work.
There are many many other reasons. Just don't see the point of prolonging my suffering.

mind if you let us in on the plan? is it still the train method?

Yeah. Headbutting a fast train.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/poll-would-this-kill-me.59473/

 

[Acopia]

I'm passively waiting for death,
It's nice..
Peaceful.
Que sera, sera kinda thing.
-A.

 

[megafire]

I've been suicidal around five years. My fear is that if I leave it too long I will become too passive to ctb.
I can't even cook for myself and I'm almost 35 living in moms basement just ordering pizza when she is at work.
There are many many other reasons. Just don't see the point of prolonging my suffering.

pizza do hit the spot. i would know, i used to make it for a living.

it takes an insurmountable amount of will to actually commit the act, that's why the failure rate is so high. You have to overcome an instinct that has been wired into our brains since we were lizards.

On the flip side, if you have been wanting to CTB for this long, and you have been actively going about and researching methods, I doubt you will ever become truly passive. Unless you resign yourself to living, which, hey, no shame.

 

[WornOutLife]

From baby steps to giant strides.
It seems you have a plan. Now just relax and wait for the right time.

Hugs

 

[Makko]

"Active" waiting should make things easier, not harder. The more you meditate on death the lower the treshold to it.

 

[signifying nothing]

Poised in readiness, you are the hunter, death the hunted.

 

[262653]

I've been suicidal around five years. My fear is that if I leave it too long I will become too passive to ctb.
I can't even cook for myself and I'm almost 35 living in moms basement just ordering pizza when she is at work.
There are many many other reasons. Just don't see the point of prolonging my suffering.

I've noticed that it helps to deny myself the expression that others would observe (like text, or art). Taking toxic levels of social media helps. Keeping things to myself helps. Talking with understanding people doesn't help, but strangers are fine.

Emotions, bottling emotions. Think of a neuron firing when voltage, currency or whatever, passes a certain threshold. Emotions motivate for changes. Piled up emotions motivate for radical changes. I'm probably doing myself a disservice by writing this message, but whatever.

 

[StateOfMind]

I've noticed that it helps to deny myself the expression that others would observe (like text, or art). Taking toxic levels of social media helps. Keeping things to myself helps. Talking with understanding people doesn't help, but strangers are fine.

Emotions, bottling emotions. Think of a neuron firing when voltage, currency or whatever, passes a certain threshold. Emotions motivate for changes. Piled up emotions motivate for radical changes. I'm probably doing myself a disservice by writing this message, but whatever.

That's an interesting take on things thank you for sharing.
Feels like I suck at totally isolating myself and like most extroverts, I crave social interaction even if it's with my enemies.
I think I may have developed some kind of Stockholm-syndrome.

I remember being so suicidal I was even ready to jump of a building. What happened to that, where did that drive go?
My first ctb attempt was cutting the carotid artery, I wish I could have that drive again now that I have a plan and not just acting out of impulse.

 

[262653]

I remember being so suicidal I was even ready to jump of a building. What happened to that, where did that drive go?
My first ctb attempt was cutting the carotid artery, I wish I could have that drive again now that I have a plan and not just acting out of impulse.

Conjecture: the brain (or psyche) makes hotfixes as we go on with our experience. Things that throw one off balance today will get rationalized, repressed, justified tomorrow, so people with age become more stable. On the other hand, sometimes the brain can't cope with all the new piles of shit thrown at it. Brains get more rigid with age in the same way a person wading through the mud eventually gets weary and unable to move. Stuck in the mud. The player's skill deteriorates while the difficulty stays the same.

Observation: All my attempts were preceded by strong emotions the triggers of which I didn't anticipate. In other words, it was accidental. I've noticed that I'm trying to avoid those triggers, I feel blinded to them...

In a sense, my own brain (that's how I call rational brain; yes, I feel a strong association with it) is used against me. When I know the trigger, I'm avoiding it. When I don't know the trigger, it may happen but I won't predict it. So basically I can't exactly "plan" my demise. It's a tricky game, and so far I haven't found out how to effectively play it.

 

[StateOfMind]

Conjecture: the brain (or psyche) makes hotfixes as we go on with our experience. Things that throw one off balance today will get rationalized, repressed, justified tomorrow, so people with age become more stable. On the other hand, sometimes the brain can't cope with all the new piles of shit thrown at it. Brains get more rigid with age in the same way a person wading through the mud eventually gets weary and unable to move. Stuck in the mud. The player's skill deteriorates while the difficulty stays the same.

Observation: All my attempts were preceded by strong emotions the triggers of which I didn't anticipate. In other words, it was accidental. I've noticed that I'm trying to avoid those triggers, I feel blinded to them...

In a sense, my own brain (that's how I call rational brain; yes, I feel a strong association with it) is used against me. When I know the trigger, I'm avoiding it. When I don't know the trigger, it may happen but I won't predict it. So basically I can't exactly "plan" my demise. It's a tricky game, and so far I haven't found out how to effectively play it.

I didn't understand much of this, could you explain in simpler terms for fools like myself?

 

[262653]

I didn't understand much of this, could you explain in simpler terms for fools like myself?

You won't believe. I tried to write a response previously, spent about half an hour trying to articulate myself but the results seemed to be gibberish and arousing even more questions. So I thought, I'll try to convey the point as simple as I can, and that was the result.

First I want to point out that most of these are just theories, guesses. The truth is I don't really know much, and the more I write about something, the more I understand that I don't know what I'm talking about. There is an ever-present feeling of lacking a solid ground under my feet.
I was trying to use analogies to present the point I'm trying to make. I don't know how else to do it. It's like being extremely thirsty and finding the pool of nice water, you lower your head to quench the thirst, only to find out you have no mouth! (Just writing it made me burst into tears, which rarely ever happens. Perhaps I've located my weakspot.)

Please, don't call yourself a fool just because you didn't understand me. Communication is a two-way street, and I have serious issues with expressing myself.

About hotfixes. The way I see it, we try to avoid pain and reach for pleasure (among other things). We aren't conscious of all our psychological content (thoughts, feelings, behaviors). So we aren't always conscious of avoiding pain and reaching for pleasure. It happens behind the curtain, without our awareness. It's like the mind is doing the maintenance. Like body trying to reconstitute itself after recieving injuries. Somehow our minds find the way to deal with unpleasantries.

About rigidity. I think that, the more ingrained our beliefs and attitudes are, the more difficult it would be to change it. Compare a kid to an adult, to an old person. The more ingrained, the more it takes to rip out the roots, up to the critical point when one is too fragile and weak to do so. So the person gets stuck in a belief system, a code, a certain way of thinking.

Ok, I don't know what to add right now without adding more unnecessary confusion. Feel free to hit me up with questions. Preferably detailed, so I know what to think about.

 

[StateOfMind]

You won't believe. I tried to write a response previously, spent about half an hour trying to articulate myself but the results seemed to be gibberish and arousing even more questions. So I thought, I'll try to convey the point as simple as I can, and that was the result.

First I want to point out that most of these are just theories, guesses. The truth is I don't really know much, and the more I write about something, the more I understand that I don't know what I'm talking about. There is an ever-present feeling of lacking a solid ground under my feet.
I was trying to use analogies to present the point I'm trying to make. I don't know how else to do it. It's like being extremely thirsty and finding the pool of nice water, you lower your head to quench the thirst, only to find out you have no mouth! (Just writing it made me burst into tears, which rarely ever happens. Perhaps I've located my weakspot.)

Please, don't call yourself a fool just because you didn't understand me. Communication is a two-way street, and I have serious issues with expressing myself.

About hotfixes. The way I see it, we try to avoid pain and reach for pleasure (among other things). We aren't conscious of all our psychological content (thoughts, feelings, behaviors). So we aren't always conscious of avoiding pain and reaching for pleasure. It happens behind the curtain, without our awareness. It's like the mind is doing the maintenance. Like body trying to reconstitute itself after recieving injuries. Somehow our minds find the way to deal with unpleasantries.

About rigidity. I think that, the more ingrained our beliefs and attitudes are, the more difficult it would be to change it. Compare a kid to an adult, to an old person. The more ingrained, the more it takes to rip out the roots, up to the critical point when one is too fragile and weak to do so. So the person gets stuck in a belief system, a code, a certain way of thinking.

Ok, I don't know what to add right now without adding more unnecessary confusion. Feel free to hit me up with questions. Preferably detailed, so I know what to think about.

Thank you for elaborating. I'm basically interested in overcoming SI.
And what you said earlier about consuming toxic amounts of SM, isolating yourself and not expressing ones self is something I can wrap my head around in the sense that that could help the pressure cooker to explode.
I used to get triggered by so many things but somehow I got used to most of the bullshit.
Feels like I have come to terms with my miserable situation on a subconscious level.
This not good, accepteance is my greatest fear.

I know that the people responsible for the destruction of my life want to keep me alive for as long as possible, they want me to suffer.