ijustwishtodie
I have finally found my ultimate bliss
- Oct 29, 2023
- 5,803
If there are any mods reading this, I request you to please delete my account when this thread is visible to everybody. Thank you.
Sorry for my post being so long. Since it is my final post here, I decided to be more expressive than usual. My entire post almost reaches 3k words so you may not want to be reading all of my post in one sitting.
Sorry for my post being so long. Since it is my final post here, I decided to be more expressive than usual. My entire post almost reaches 3k words so you may not want to be reading all of my post in one sitting.
Oh wow, here it is, my final post on this site. If I'm going to be honest with you, I honestly never expected myself to have ever made this thread as I didn't realise that I had it in me to push through the challenges and hardship that suicide presents. However, if you're reading this, it's suffice to say that I was wrong in my judgement about myself. It's been quite a journey for me on this site but, alas, everything must come to an end one day and this is the time for my life to come to an end. I've scheduled this to appear a few hours after my attempt so, if this post appears and I haven't updated this in a few days, feel free to assume that I have succeeded. As for this thread itself, it took me multiple days compiling it a few days before I caught the bus since I'd otherwise be too overwhelmed to do it.
I have something very important that I want to highlight. Please, please, please, please, please do NOT see my death as a tragedy that has occured to me. I know that I can't control people's responses and that people will inevitably see my death as tragic or sad but if it's possible for anybody to not see my death as a tragedy, that would be much appreciated. Of course my death would be tragic to my family, I've accepted that but it isn't a tragedy to me. I'm doing this to ESCAPE the real tragedy which I consider to be existence.
I have something very important that I want to highlight. Please, please, please, please, please do NOT see my death as a tragedy that has occured to me. I know that I can't control people's responses and that people will inevitably see my death as tragic or sad but if it's possible for anybody to not see my death as a tragedy, that would be much appreciated. Of course my death would be tragic to my family, I've accepted that but it isn't a tragedy to me. I'm doing this to ESCAPE the real tragedy which I consider to be existence.
I have various reasons as to why I'm suicidal with my reasons being split across two categories: logical and emotional. The logical reasons for wanting to ctb are the crux of my reasons and I'd attribute it to roughly 85% of my reasons to ctb whereas the emotional side is only 15% of my reasons to ctb.
Logical reasons for me wanting to ctb:
- death isn't a harm to the beings who are dead since, going by what is the most evidenced and supported theory as for what happens after death, death is just permanent non existence. I'm not scared of permanent non existence since it isn't bad to me. I instead heavily embrace it.
- I consider an earlier death to be better than a later death since, the younger I die, the more I prevent my future suffering
- life is a harm whereas death is an escape from harm
- I am not in control of this existence as I could one day be in a car crash or get a chronic condition or something else that significantly decreases my quality of life or perhaps even limits my mobility enough for me to not even be able to ctb. Life is inherently risky and choosing to ctb is being risk averse as dead people aren't subjected to risks.
Emotional reasons for me wanting to ctb:
- dealing with the stages of life like working and old age isn't worth it and it isn't appealing to me
- I don't want to live in a system that is so exploitative and cruel
- I don't want to live in a system where I am forced to cause unnecessary suffering to sentient animals by either having to eat them or giving taxes to those who experiment on animals in the medical sector
- pro lifers are going out of their way to restrict as much of the peaceful methods as possible. There may not be a day in the future where relatively peaceful methods like SN would be available to us so I will take my chances as soon as I can.
- the more pro lifers go out of their way to restrict the peaceful methods, the more I want to fight to obtain the earlier death that I truly deserve so that these people will no longer gain control over me
- the dying process for the average person seems so horrific to me and I'd rather do what I can to instead give myself a more peaceful and dignified dying process because I don't want to go out in the same way that most people do.
There are more logical and emotional reasons that I have besides from I've stated above but what I gave you is the crux of why I want to ctb so there's no point in me elaborating even more. Although, I will add a few more points because it's relevant for this section:
1. To the pro lifers out there, my reasons for wanting to die (as stated above) is summarised as me rejecting existence and this experiential reality that I am going through. My reasons for wanting to die is not because of this site or because of anybody else. I have came to the conclusions about life that I have on my own and I did this far before I found this place. I have not been given a valid counterargument to any of my points. If you want somebody to blame for my death, you should blame society for being so shitty, cruel and harsh rather than this site or the chemical suppliers of SN. Though I know this will fall upon deaf ears since pro lifers really love to blame anything other than society and existence itself since I guess that it's easier to blame this site than to acknowledge that life may not be as beautiful as you perceive it to be.
2. I think that my desire to die is valid and should be respected. I don't see life as valuable enough for me to stay here for as long as possible and try to exhaust all options. To me, suicide is a preferred choice and I have no fear of saying that. If I die now, the concept of any future potential recovery is moot because those who are dead don't crave existence and wouldn't have any regrets. I shouldn't have to stay and try recovery all because I am relatively young. I had enough which means that I had enough.
3. Please don't wish for me to be alive or tell me that I should have tried recovery or stay alive. I have considered this for years and I believe that this is the best action for me. I'm tired of existence and I can only find peace in non existence where there is no "me" anymore.
Logical reasons for me wanting to ctb:
- death isn't a harm to the beings who are dead since, going by what is the most evidenced and supported theory as for what happens after death, death is just permanent non existence. I'm not scared of permanent non existence since it isn't bad to me. I instead heavily embrace it.
- I consider an earlier death to be better than a later death since, the younger I die, the more I prevent my future suffering
- life is a harm whereas death is an escape from harm
- I am not in control of this existence as I could one day be in a car crash or get a chronic condition or something else that significantly decreases my quality of life or perhaps even limits my mobility enough for me to not even be able to ctb. Life is inherently risky and choosing to ctb is being risk averse as dead people aren't subjected to risks.
Emotional reasons for me wanting to ctb:
- dealing with the stages of life like working and old age isn't worth it and it isn't appealing to me
- I don't want to live in a system that is so exploitative and cruel
- I don't want to live in a system where I am forced to cause unnecessary suffering to sentient animals by either having to eat them or giving taxes to those who experiment on animals in the medical sector
- pro lifers are going out of their way to restrict as much of the peaceful methods as possible. There may not be a day in the future where relatively peaceful methods like SN would be available to us so I will take my chances as soon as I can.
- the more pro lifers go out of their way to restrict the peaceful methods, the more I want to fight to obtain the earlier death that I truly deserve so that these people will no longer gain control over me
- the dying process for the average person seems so horrific to me and I'd rather do what I can to instead give myself a more peaceful and dignified dying process because I don't want to go out in the same way that most people do.
There are more logical and emotional reasons that I have besides from I've stated above but what I gave you is the crux of why I want to ctb so there's no point in me elaborating even more. Although, I will add a few more points because it's relevant for this section:
1. To the pro lifers out there, my reasons for wanting to die (as stated above) is summarised as me rejecting existence and this experiential reality that I am going through. My reasons for wanting to die is not because of this site or because of anybody else. I have came to the conclusions about life that I have on my own and I did this far before I found this place. I have not been given a valid counterargument to any of my points. If you want somebody to blame for my death, you should blame society for being so shitty, cruel and harsh rather than this site or the chemical suppliers of SN. Though I know this will fall upon deaf ears since pro lifers really love to blame anything other than society and existence itself since I guess that it's easier to blame this site than to acknowledge that life may not be as beautiful as you perceive it to be.
2. I think that my desire to die is valid and should be respected. I don't see life as valuable enough for me to stay here for as long as possible and try to exhaust all options. To me, suicide is a preferred choice and I have no fear of saying that. If I die now, the concept of any future potential recovery is moot because those who are dead don't crave existence and wouldn't have any regrets. I shouldn't have to stay and try recovery all because I am relatively young. I had enough which means that I had enough.
3. Please don't wish for me to be alive or tell me that I should have tried recovery or stay alive. I have considered this for years and I believe that this is the best action for me. I'm tired of existence and I can only find peace in non existence where there is no "me" anymore.
Now, as for how I feel about it is more complicated than just "I feel immensely happy about it". Don't get me wrong, in a way, I do feel happy about this as it's my own decision to choose and I consider death to be an escape to all of the harms in life as well as the potential harms that I could go through in the future. However, I do have other feelings as well such as how I feel bad for my brother since he's only a minor and doesn't deserve the pain of dealing with a dead relative. He wasn't able to cope well at all with my sister's death and it's unfortunately going to be so much more worse for my death. However, even then, I still have to push on and kill myself because I can't be staying alive just for his welfare and, if I put their grief on one scale and the suffering that I inflict on to others by merely living on the other scale (being a meat eater), it's evident that it's still logically better for me to cease to exist.
It isn't just my brother as well, I also feel bad about those who are still alive. At the end of the day, existence isn't only about me, it's about every sentient being on this planet. Now there are probably people who are looking at this and deeming me to be a hypocrite due to what I stated in my previous paragraph but, no, existence isn't only about my brother or my parents either... it's about every single sentient being on this planet. There are so many people and animals on this planet who are suffering immensely every single day and, even if I were to die, the world will still carry on and the carnage that is on earth will still be happening. This makes me feel sad for killing myself because I wish that there was something that I could do to help the people who are suffering on this planet but unfortunately there isn't anything that I can do about it due to how powerless I am. I wish that I could help those who are already here by giving N to those who want to ctb but there is nothing that I can do and I hate that. All I can do is save myself since I'm unable to save anybody else but it hurts so much to acknowledge that sentient beings will still be suffering here. Nonetheless, I will push on to ctb since I can rationally acknowledge that there is nothing that I can do here.
Aside from that though, I am at peace and I want to go ahead with this.
It isn't just my brother as well, I also feel bad about those who are still alive. At the end of the day, existence isn't only about me, it's about every sentient being on this planet. Now there are probably people who are looking at this and deeming me to be a hypocrite due to what I stated in my previous paragraph but, no, existence isn't only about my brother or my parents either... it's about every single sentient being on this planet. There are so many people and animals on this planet who are suffering immensely every single day and, even if I were to die, the world will still carry on and the carnage that is on earth will still be happening. This makes me feel sad for killing myself because I wish that there was something that I could do to help the people who are suffering on this planet but unfortunately there isn't anything that I can do about it due to how powerless I am. I wish that I could help those who are already here by giving N to those who want to ctb but there is nothing that I can do and I hate that. All I can do is save myself since I'm unable to save anybody else but it hurts so much to acknowledge that sentient beings will still be suffering here. Nonetheless, I will push on to ctb since I can rationally acknowledge that there is nothing that I can do here.
Aside from that though, I am at peace and I want to go ahead with this.
I've been so lucky to even get to this stage. I managed to acquire the SN from DMC as well as domperidone from an online pharmacy.
The SN from DMC shipped on 06/01/2025, I received it on 14/01/2025 in my PO box and I didn't get any welfare checks. I could easily buy the other supplies from stores near me. I haven't tested the SN as I trust in DMC due to there having been recent successful attempts with DMC's SN plus I am way too tired as I did so much effort already. Anyways, here is my protocol:
- I book a hotel room a day before I ctb with the SN and I'll be booking it for 3 days. This is so that I can bypass the check in time as that's at 3 pm whereas I'm only able to ctb from 9 am to 6 pm due to how my only excuse for being outside is to go to university.
- I return home at around 6pm, eat food at that time and finish eating food at around 7pm at which point I'll start my food fast.
- I'll have my final temporary sleep in preparation for my permanent "sleep"
- when I wake up, I'll skip on breakfast and go to the hotel asap. I should be in the hotel room by 8:45am
- 8:45am: take 2 x 500mg paracetamol
- 9:00am: take 3 x 10mg domperidone
- 9:35am: prepare 2 cups of 50ml that contains 25g of SN
- 9:45am: drink the SN and wait as I will be free from this existence soon enough
I have to do the protocol like this since I live with my parents and can only escape during university time.
The SN from DMC shipped on 06/01/2025, I received it on 14/01/2025 in my PO box and I didn't get any welfare checks. I could easily buy the other supplies from stores near me. I haven't tested the SN as I trust in DMC due to there having been recent successful attempts with DMC's SN plus I am way too tired as I did so much effort already. Anyways, here is my protocol:
- I book a hotel room a day before I ctb with the SN and I'll be booking it for 3 days. This is so that I can bypass the check in time as that's at 3 pm whereas I'm only able to ctb from 9 am to 6 pm due to how my only excuse for being outside is to go to university.
- I return home at around 6pm, eat food at that time and finish eating food at around 7pm at which point I'll start my food fast.
- I'll have my final temporary sleep in preparation for my permanent "sleep"
- when I wake up, I'll skip on breakfast and go to the hotel asap. I should be in the hotel room by 8:45am
- 8:45am: take 2 x 500mg paracetamol
- 9:00am: take 3 x 10mg domperidone
- 9:35am: prepare 2 cups of 50ml that contains 25g of SN
- 9:45am: drink the SN and wait as I will be free from this existence soon enough
I have to do the protocol like this since I live with my parents and can only escape during university time.
I wanted to give special thanks to this community. This place has overall been nice though there were some people here that were annoying but stumbling upon people who you find annoying is inevitable in any community. Anyways, for the most part, this place has been nice and I've met some amazing people here. I'm so glad that this place exists as it provides an outlet for suicidal people to talk about the big issues in life without automatically being labelled as stupid or irrational for it. This place has overall alleviated my suffering whilst I was still here though of course my suffering can only be completely wiped away via death. Thank you to this community for existing and thank you to the mods here who put in a lot of effort to maintain this site.
Additionally, I also want to thank those who are fighting for the right to die (not the flimsy bullshit medical model of "you need to be over 50 or have a terminal illness" right to die groups but those who believe that it should be available for everybody or at least those who are 18+). Honestly, I think that it's a futile fight since most people won't ever understand this but it's nonetheless still important work and I heavily respect those who are fighting for this right. Some people like jack kevorkian, KL and the nembutal seller who goes by D even got in jail for doing the right thing and I heavily respect these people too as they were doing the right thing by giving suicidal people the option to peacefully opt out. Thank you to all of these people for being the light in many people's darkness. Pro lifers will never appreciate or respect these people but I will.
I want to give special thanks to the friends that I've made on here as well and those whose posts make me feel so understood.
Additionally, I also want to thank those who are fighting for the right to die (not the flimsy bullshit medical model of "you need to be over 50 or have a terminal illness" right to die groups but those who believe that it should be available for everybody or at least those who are 18+). Honestly, I think that it's a futile fight since most people won't ever understand this but it's nonetheless still important work and I heavily respect those who are fighting for this right. Some people like jack kevorkian, KL and the nembutal seller who goes by D even got in jail for doing the right thing and I heavily respect these people too as they were doing the right thing by giving suicidal people the option to peacefully opt out. Thank you to all of these people for being the light in many people's darkness. Pro lifers will never appreciate or respect these people but I will.
I want to give special thanks to the friends that I've made on here as well and those whose posts make me feel so understood.
Here it is, the final section. When I made the title for this section, I was hoping of writing an absolute killer (pun intended) final section but now that I'm actually here, I can't think of a good way to end it. Nonetheless, it has to end so I'm just going to say my final thoughts and wishes.
1. I'm so sorry to all of the sentient beings who have to stay alive and suffer. It's so unfair and I wish that I could have done something to help but there is very little that an individual can do and it gets even harder when you consider that most people go out of their way to make it so much harder. I wish that all of your suffering can be eradicated one day too as you all here deserve peace as well, not just me.
2. I haven't ever done this myself due to social anxiety and not having a prolonged amount of time where I have enough privacy to talk about these topics but I think that it's important for us to perhaps make a youtube channel and talk about our perspectives on life. I know that this isn't feasible for everybody and it may seem like it's pointless but we have certain perspectives about life which are extremely uncommon for the general population to understand which makes this world for people like us a far more isolating place to be in.
Putting our voices out there may make somebody in the future not feel as isolated as they stumble upon our ideas. I'm not saying that you have to live as, if you are going to ctb, you don't need to stay alive and torture yourself to give your perspectives as your ideas will be seen and shared by others even after you die. I know it isn't feasible to everybody which is understandable and valid but I'm sure that there will be people who in the future who'd appreciate seeing ideas from somebody who understands them instead of the common pro life notions of "life is beautiful and precious". There are already amazing voices out there on youtube but they are far and few in quantity.
3. From a place of compassion to one sentient being to another, please, please, please get your SN as quickly and as early as possible if you are considering to ctb as the more time that passes, the more likely it'll be where SN become as inaccessible as N is so please get that control with you asap. This isn't to say that you should ctb with it as that's your choice to make only but it's important for people like us to at least have that control by our side so that we can take it whenever we want to. You don't have to listen to this but I think that I am saying this from a place of kindness since I do care about most of you and I don't want you people to suffer in this existence. Just acknowledge that it's getting so fucking dismal here with the governments trying to make SN illegal so do what you can to make yourself be at peace before it's too late.
4. As somebody who has lived a non negligible fraction of this existence, I don't recommend this existence at all. As somebody who has hated existence and wished that I was never born, my plea to you is to please not bring anybody else into this world. The risk is uncertain and you never know if they could end up hating life just like how we have. As somebody who has once been alive, please don't take that risk. It isn't worth it. This isn't me trying to logically convince you; this is me begging to you in agony and pain. Just- please, if my words mean anything to anybody, I'd want these words to have the most weight.
I have said everything that I needed to say. It is now time for me catch my bus, goodbye and take care everybody
1. I'm so sorry to all of the sentient beings who have to stay alive and suffer. It's so unfair and I wish that I could have done something to help but there is very little that an individual can do and it gets even harder when you consider that most people go out of their way to make it so much harder. I wish that all of your suffering can be eradicated one day too as you all here deserve peace as well, not just me.
2. I haven't ever done this myself due to social anxiety and not having a prolonged amount of time where I have enough privacy to talk about these topics but I think that it's important for us to perhaps make a youtube channel and talk about our perspectives on life. I know that this isn't feasible for everybody and it may seem like it's pointless but we have certain perspectives about life which are extremely uncommon for the general population to understand which makes this world for people like us a far more isolating place to be in.
Putting our voices out there may make somebody in the future not feel as isolated as they stumble upon our ideas. I'm not saying that you have to live as, if you are going to ctb, you don't need to stay alive and torture yourself to give your perspectives as your ideas will be seen and shared by others even after you die. I know it isn't feasible to everybody which is understandable and valid but I'm sure that there will be people who in the future who'd appreciate seeing ideas from somebody who understands them instead of the common pro life notions of "life is beautiful and precious". There are already amazing voices out there on youtube but they are far and few in quantity.
3. From a place of compassion to one sentient being to another, please, please, please get your SN as quickly and as early as possible if you are considering to ctb as the more time that passes, the more likely it'll be where SN become as inaccessible as N is so please get that control with you asap. This isn't to say that you should ctb with it as that's your choice to make only but it's important for people like us to at least have that control by our side so that we can take it whenever we want to. You don't have to listen to this but I think that I am saying this from a place of kindness since I do care about most of you and I don't want you people to suffer in this existence. Just acknowledge that it's getting so fucking dismal here with the governments trying to make SN illegal so do what you can to make yourself be at peace before it's too late.
4. As somebody who has lived a non negligible fraction of this existence, I don't recommend this existence at all. As somebody who has hated existence and wished that I was never born, my plea to you is to please not bring anybody else into this world. The risk is uncertain and you never know if they could end up hating life just like how we have. As somebody who has once been alive, please don't take that risk. It isn't worth it. This isn't me trying to logically convince you; this is me begging to you in agony and pain. Just- please, if my words mean anything to anybody, I'd want these words to have the most weight.
I have said everything that I needed to say. It is now time for me catch my bus, goodbye and take care everybody
nothing but love.
