Venting accidentally felt a small sense of joy and immediately punished for it

[tsumihoroboshi]

i have a deal with god. or something like god. or someone. someone that controls my life. it's been like this since late teens. i'm not allowed to show any positive emotions for even a second. not even a fraction of a millisecond because i will be punished. the punishment could be anything. something financial going wrong. something or someone dying. a health issue. a friend suddenly hates me and now they're gone. having to deal with bugs. never be happy. "don't even try to think a positive thought, you will be kicked in the face by my cleats."

why do i always forget this. why. and then because i see bugs nobody else does, they gaslight me about it. "well ur just hallucinating" god i dont even HAVE visual hallucinations. stop always telling me my feelings are wrong. fuck i hate this.

i got something in the mail i've always wanted since i was a kid and it made me happy. MISTAKE. OOPS. BIG FUCKING MISTAKE. happiness? HAPPINESS? WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS? HAVE SEVERAL BUGS NOW. FUCK YOU.

ah. oh. yes. right. sorry for existing. it won't be much longer now. whatever. i got what i wanted for so long so. bucket list diminished.

life is not a circle that goes up and down, around that way. it is not a spiral. it's a decline. and it just goes further and further down until there is nothing.

i remember my place now, i know. no positive feelings. only all miserable until i successfully ctb.

 

[sugarh1gh]

I really really hope you find your happiness somewhere, if not in life, maybe after ctb. I want you to have peace and freedom, where you can worry lessly laugh, feel happy, feel grateful, and enjoy.

 

[thenamingofcats]

I see bugs too. I call them "mind bugs."