Discussion Accepting your thoughts.

[MorningstarMornings]

I've tried wording this alot of times. Please bare with me. Im not the best at explaining my thoughts.

So I've recently become ok with the idea of ctb. Not in the way as it's an option, but not hating myself for having the thoughts. Like I've stopped beating myself up for believing that this is my path. I've stopped falling to tears when someone I care about asks how i am. Part of me still ostracizes myself for even Being depressed.

Is this something you guys have experienced? Is there a point of catharsis to where you don't have resentment for being yourself?

 

[bravotess]

I never hated myself for considering it. But I'm incredibly selfish. I'd imagine what you are feeling is common to many.

 

[MorningstarMornings]

I never hated myself for considering it. But I'm incredibly selfish. I'd imagine what you are feeling is common to many.

Have you ever felt less because of the thoughts though. Like almost ostracising yourself to a point. Thoughts like "you shouldn't feel this way, you have people who love you". Or has it been mostly a self decided action to you?

Maybe I'm feeling an acceptance that there is no "Cure" for me.

 

[bravotess]

Have you ever felt less because of the thoughts though. Like almost ostracising yourself to a point. Thoughts like "you shouldn't feel this way, you have people who love you". Or has it been mostly a self decided action to you?

Maybe I'm feeling an acceptance that there is no "Cure" for me.

I think, in the long run, the people I love and that love me, will be better off without me. They are better without me financially and because they won't have me losing my temper and lashing out and being nasty to them. That made my decision to ctb easy.
That may not be true for my parents, siblings, co-workers etc. but my concern is more with my ex and kids. So that's how I justify it.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I understand that too. I have recently become okay with the reality of giving up. I've accepted that it's okay to not be the person I wanted to be and that if things are way too much effort I don't need to hurt myself by asking for the impossible from myself. Even if I didn't ctb I think this is still a valuable lesson in compromise for me.

 

[MorningstarMornings]

I think, in the long run, the people I love and that love me, will be better off without me. They are better without me financially and because they won't have me losing my temper and lashing out and being nasty to them. That made my decision to ctb easy.
That may not be true for my parents, siblings, co-workers etc. but my concern is more with my ex and kids. So that's how I justify it.

thank you for opening up. it seems you have a stronger cause and effect relation in your mind then I do. A friend used to tell me that I'm running from the past, and avoiding the future. to an extent I'll admit my friend is right. I don't have that "If this, then that" situation happening.

I understand that too. I have recently become okay with the reality of giving up. I've accepted that it's okay to not be the person I wanted to be and that if things are way too much effort I don't need to hurt myself by asking for the impossible from myself. Even if I didn't ctb I think this is still a valuable lesson in compromise for me.

This is a good explanation of what I feel I'm going through. Thank you. I feel I've become pretty neutral on my desire to attempt. Even though the thoughts and feelings still exist, CTB doesn't feel like so heavy of a decision.

 

[Ghost2211]

Big decisions take time to work though. deciding to CTB can be something feelings change often and rapidly about. Suicide can be a long complicated road that takes unexpected turns. Self love and acceptance are very important when it comes to making such big decisions.

 

[MorningstarMornings]

Big decisions take time to work though. deciding to CTB can be something feelings change often and rapidly about. Suicide can be a long complicated road that takes unexpected turns. Self love and acceptance are very important when it comes to making such big decisions.

I've thought about this a little. And i think this is what I've been waiting to do. The scary Part is, "are you there yet". Its not something you get an answer too. I'll keep this in my mind for a bit. Thank you!