Venting Acceptance - Letting Go/Almost Ready

[AInilam]

I feel like I shouldn't feel this relieved to ctb yet here I am. There's just a few more things I'd like to enjoy, wrap-up and experience before I clock out indefinitely.

I've been reorganizing/redecorating my space in preparation for my ''home-coming party'' and it's all coming together swimmingly. It feels nice that everything is finally going the way I imagined it, I just wish it wasn't under such morbid pretenses. Spending so much time planning and preparing has not only given me something to look forward to but has also given me closure in a way. By finally doing something for myself and myself only, it feels like I'm paying myself homage. For a month and a half I'll get to live life exactly the way I wanted from start to finish. Hell, I can even pretend I was born yesterday and everything else was just a blur up until this point. And in a way I think I've already started to as nothing else really seems to matter anymore. Some may look at this as a bad thing but to tell the truth--all the anxiety, dread, pain and regret I was feeling seems to have just vanished, miraculously. I don't feel so weighed down or tethered anymore to anyone or anything. I've become my one and only obligation, and I've come to like it just fine.

I think the key was to not be so hard on myself, to not feel any particular way about anything but the present moment and to just to let it be. At the end of the day we've all got to go and just knowing that is a comfort in itself. By remembering those I've lost and knowing that their has been and will continue to be countless others that'll succeed/precede me, I feel less alone.

This week I had to ask myself what I really wanted and after some thoughtful consideration all that turned out to be was:
- A warm, clean, cozy and comfortable space.
- To light three candles every night leading up to the celebration. ( One for myself, one for those I've lost and one for those who're still alive who will continue on living.)
- At least one person that'll be there for me up until the very end.
- To experience something I've never experienced before.
- To drink, dance, eat and be merry.
- Look and feel splendid while doing so.

Now that it's all coming to fruition, I honestly couldn't be happier and while my method may not be 100% painless, I'm grateful that at the very least I have the choice on how, when and where. I know a lot of people don't get that luxury and I'll be sure to raise a glass in their memory.

 

[Captive_Mind515]

Very well said. Letting go is the key to everything imho.

 

[Ilovedyoulikeadog]

These are the exact words I was looking for. It is so strange to me, that, every little thing used to actively consume me. It would eat away at me. Rot my brain from the inside out. I would not sleep, eat, or do the things I enjoyed. The moment I had a way out, and a plan, and only then, have I actually been able to let go. This is the only time I have just been able to live in the present. Not long for the future, or cry about the past. Right now, my ex has told me, we are done, for good. Those exact words, would have sent my spiraling, but right now, it doesn't matter. It will all be over soon, and, I don't want to spend the last two days of my life in misery. I am eating my favorite foods. Playing my favorite games, Doing the things I enjoy. How crazy it is, that knowing I will CTB soon, is the only thing that has made me actually let go of things. This was very well worded, and I am glad I am not alone in this. I felt like I had actually lost it, this time. May we meet again, in whatever waits for us on the other side. <3