Discussion abusive black parents

[KiraComplex]

sorry for the touchy subject.


my friend is going through a crisis with his parents, and brought up a point to me that i was curious about. why are black parents the worst?

my mom is black and grew up with a white mom. shes super mild unless she has to be mean- which is usually just yelling but it cools quick if you say the right things. my dad is white but has anger issues, not that that matters. havent met a man without them.

my friends parents are both black, from Texas. he said that his parents are the worst- the "no child of mine is a faggot", or the "i only treat you like this so you learn" type. we have a mutual friend with a white, british family who moved here from Colorado not too long ago, and they are the most accepting, loving family. same with another white family, and another, and another....

why is it so common for black families to be so abusive?

my theory is just beliefs that have been passed down. like most terrible things, someone has to start that thing and someone has to continue it- like homophobia, or abuse. its like a long, twisty snake.

can any other PoC help me figure this out? is this a family thing and not a race thing? maybe its location? any answers are appreciated.

(fyi... i tried posting this to reddit but got shot down for "pretending to be black" and trying to make people racist when im not black in the first place, im lightskin lol)

 

[almost_dead]

non-black parents also suck (mine)

 

[KiraComplex]

non-black parents also suck (mine)

its definitely true that regardless of races, people can be abusive. im wondering if its more-so in darker skin communities.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

My black mother was not abusive at all. Despite her initial hesitations to my sexuality and my relationships (fueled by her staunch Catholicism), she has been the most positive, inspiring, and loving force in my life.

I do believe that issues of homophobia are more rampant in the black community. Black fathers are particularly wont to disown or degrade homosexual sons. They tend to see it as a lack of masculinity. Black masculinity, I find, is often rooted in machismo and being dominant in relationships. This often leads to black men fathering many children, often with different women. I know this was the case with my father, and I have several more anecdotal examples.

I don't think the issue of "abusive" parents, though, is necessarily more pronounced in the black community, or at least is not related to race. If anything, I suspect it would be more closely related to socioeconomic position. Less privileged families may have parents who are more stressed, less present, more apt to substance abuse, or some combination of those. I think those are all factors that may lead to abusive parental relationships. Given the issues of systemic racism in Western society, families of color are more often positioned in lower socioeconomic classes. Perhaps this contributes to higher rates of abuse? I have no data to support this, but the OP itself is anecdotal, so I am merely surmising based on the original hypothesis.

 

[KiraComplex]

My black mother was not abusive at all. Despite her initial hesitations to my sexuality and my relationships (fueled by her staunch Catholicism), she has been the most positive, inspiring, and loving force in my life.

I do believe that issues of homophobia are more rampant in the black community. Black fathers are particularly wont to disown or degrade homosexual sons. They tend to see it as a lack of masculinity. Black masculinity, I find, is often rooted in machismo and being dominant in relationships. This often leads to black men fathering many children, often with different women. I know this was the case with my father, and I have several more anecdotal examples.

I don't think the issue of "abusive" parents, though, is necessarily more pronounced in the black community, or at least is not related to race. If anything, I suspect it would be more closely related to socioeconomic position. Less privileged families may have parents who are more stressed, less present, more apt to substance abuse, or some combination of those. I think those are all factors that may lead to abusive parental relationships. Given the issues of systemic racism in Western society, families of color are more often positioned in lower socioeconomic classes. Perhaps this contributes to higher rates of abuse? I have no data to support this, but the OP itself is anecdotal, so I am merely surmising based on the original hypothesis.

thank you for this, it does help me think a bit.

and yes, this is purely speculation. but it is a well known fact that black people are usually lower class and poorer (however thats changing due to readily available resources) and parents have to work- i know kids whos seen their parents for only a couple of hours a day due to them working, and those kids are usually depressed and trouble makers.

im not hypothesizing that blacks and poc are more violent due to nature, thats 100% racist and old-thinking, and has nothing to back it up- however, poorer families deal with abuse more often.

 

[Mixo]

I'm not black but I have had to deal with abuse myself so I'll throw in my two cents. It's not a cultural norm to be abusive to your kids, can you imagine that? "We're (insert race/ethnicity here) so we have to beat and abuse our children."

I think that abuse is primarily a product of unmanaged stress - so anything that contributes or mediates stress will probably contribute to abuse, including poverty, intergenerational trauma, unemployment, discrimination, etc. etc. Since black people in the U.S. are disproportionately affected by a lot of these stressors, I think this is at least one pathway to how child abuse happens. But like others are saying, you have to be careful not to assume that all black people abuse their kids, because that is probably not true.

 

[AMG44]

I don't think race has anything to do with it...i know people of all races with shitty parents.

 

[Antigonish]

They do it out of love and pride. My mom was harsh at first. The F word was common. But one day she broke down, so to say, and was like I just want grandchildren. I have sibling and she has grandchildren. But I think its her need to try and correct what's she felt she might've went wrong a way to start over. Parents tend to take everything they see as errors in their children upon themselves. Not to say specifically that this is your friend's case. Some people are just evil. My dad's a preacher and he's never called me a faggot. And yes I'm black with two fully black parents. All i can say, is that if anyone approached my dad about it, 'He'd say: that's my son dont you think I know.' We had the talk when I was nine, before I learned how to erase internet history. Also helps a lot that my eldest sister is gay. Now when it comes to the suicidal tendencies and the cutting my dad tends to ignore it, on the other hand my mom approaches these situations brazenly.

 

[DyingAlf]

I don't think race has anything to do with it...i know people of all races with shitty parents.

I agree

 

[KiraComplex]

I don't think race has anything to do with it...i know people of all races with shitty parents.

i think of it more as a class sort of thing

They do it out of love and pride. My mom was harsh at first. The F word was common. But one day she broke down, so to say, and was like I just want grandchildren. I have sibling and she has grandchildren. But I think its her need to try and correct what's she felt she might've went wrong a way to start over. Parents tend to take everything they see as errors in their children upon themselves. Not to say specifically that this is your friend's case. Some people are just evil. My dad's a preacher and he's never called me a faggot. And yes I'm black with two fully black parents. All i can say, is that if anyone approached my dad about it, 'He'd say: that's my son dont you think I know.' We had the talk when I was nine, before I learned how to erase internet history. Also helps a lot that my eldest sister is gay. Now when it comes to the suicidal tendencies and the cutting my dad tends to ignore it, on the other hand my mom approaches these situations brazenly.

good points.

it all falls down to character.

 

[Ghost2211]

My mom was white and she was abusive af. Bad people come in all colors.

 

[KiraComplex]

My mom was white and she was abusive af. Bad people come in all colors.

very good point.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

I think that if you come to conclusions based on extrapolation/induction from your own limited experiences of people, those conclusions may not be objectively reliable or valid.
The sample size is too limited.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I agree. I am black and my mom pushed me to suicide so many times in my life. However, I feel it was less due to her being black and more to her own trauma. She was abused horribly and ended up passing down the cycle.

 

[Water-Lily]

I am POC. My mom abused me with belts, put me down verbally and psychologically, and when I told people they said "your mom is just stressed" or "she loves you" or "maybe you did something wrong" or "My parents beat me too its just what happens". In my family using belts and verbal abuse is so common its seen as normal. Hell on YouTube there are videos of black parents abusing their kids and its not seen a problem

I know what the abuse did to me. It left me with BPD and depression. I am sure many POC children are suffering and we can't ignore it in the name of "thats what they do" no its abuse and it needs to stop

I'm not black but I have had to deal with abuse myself so I'll throw in my two cents. It's not a cultural norm to be abusive to your kids, can you imagine that? "We're (insert race/ethnicity here) so we have to beat and abuse our children."

I think that abuse is primarily a product of unmanaged stress - so anything that contributes or mediates stress will probably contribute to abuse, including poverty, intergenerational trauma, unemployment, discrimination, etc. etc. Since black people in the U.S. are disproportionately affected by a lot of these stressors, I think this is at least one pathway to how child abuse happens. But like others are saying, you have to be careful not to assume that all black people abuse their kids, because that is probably not true.

Indeed this is a factor. Looking back my late abusive mom was stressed both mentally and financially. She struggled to maintain friendships and create relationships. She would lash out and hurt people similar to how she hurt me