update: I booked a flight on Wednesday, flew out around 5pm to another part of the country. Got there after dark, was quite confused, had to pickup a rental car, and drive in the dark. My eyes were quite blurry, and ended up in the other lanes on more than one occasion. Took me a while to find the hotel, stupid google maps took me for a ride, once I switched to apple maps I quickly found the hotel.
As usual; when booking a hotel online it almost always seem to lean towards disappointment, no matter whether booking.com gives it a 7 or 8.9 rating. It was quite a noisy hotel, partying going on. They even upgraded my room to the most superior room they had, but it was still noisy, and it did not feel clean. I went to my room thinking that i have to go back the next day. I had no energy to find another hotel, the only good one I know of was fully booked. I took a heavy load of sleeping pills to get me through the night, the next morning I checked-out, drove around compulsively, also visited the mall where two people jumped from the 8th floor, and it did not affect me on an emotional level as previously expected, in fact I had a cappuccino and brownie at Starbucks. However, they do now have heavily guarded security on each floor, and they watch your every move. Almost intimidating, too much gun power for a shopping mall. Caught a flight back home at around 8:30pm.
When I got back I slept for like two days. I can tell you that I am in cognitive decline. I had so many issues during this 24 hour trip. Kept losing things, can't remember things, disorientation; driving skills sucked (never did before), and I am getting blinder by the day despite bi-lateral cataract surgery. My eating disorder is also becoming a problem again, and I suffer severe disabling chronic pain (neurosurgical damages).
To make a long story short, I arrived home without executing the original plan, which was to stay there for at least 11 days before making a final decision. I am back at my apartment now, I try to clean a bit here and there, took some ativan with green-tea, and now listening to some thai monk chanting to calm me.
I also contacted the family to inform them about my whereabouts, once again my problems were brushed off, and it was said that I must first repent before the abuse in my life will stop. Other words the abusers (my family) using religion to justify their abuse tendencies towards me, and my life's situation ; convenient. My rather abusive father told me that lots of people commit suicide, I should do it too. Saying this is a criminal offense in my country, not taken lightly at all.
This story is not going to end well. It is a compulsive biochemical fuckup, I am running like a white rat on a spinning wheel, I have been doing this from an early childhood, fleeing an abusive environment at home, cant stop running. What is chasing me? family scandals, disability, no future, no hope.
Hope you ok
