I never realized it but I had to take on all that responsibility at age 10, was expected to just keep quiet about the abuse. I recall when my mom broke thousands of dollars of games one by one as a punishment, when I was left for 6 weeks alone at the house and she was at Las Vegas, and even now she's managed to keep control over my life. It's my own fault really because I kept expecting it would get better.
My father was on opioids in early 2000s, they told him they weren't addictive and got kickbacks. Some doctor got chump change at the expense of my father's life when he called in to their office and threatened to end his life, no one even checked on him.. so little has changed and I am now in the same situation as him. Only difference I don't have kids relying on me ... His schizophrenia took over his thought processes and I was the one to find him.
He used carbon monoxide in the garage, I apparently almost died a few times trying to get him out. But he fought me off and locked the door. Or it locked itself. Who knows.
All I know is, no one believed me when I ran back to school. I had to watch my sibling while they carried his body away. The only image I have of him is the bloated dead man that left me in a world he couldn't handle
If he could not handle this world with the abuse he experienced... How did anyone think I could? He left me his name, and all his responsibilities... All my life so far I've allowed myself to be taken advantage of, because I just was so used to it. I stopped having feelings at a young age. I don't know what I am expected to do, but I was clean for around 4 years except alcohol ... I've done 80+ drugs before, but no one believed me. Apparently I guess I hid it too well, because when I reached out everyone accused me of using meth.
I lost 320lb of the 475lbs I weighed last year. I apparently am sick, just had an MRI done. So even if I don't off myself, every day has been physically hell. I work out constantly and walk 15km per day.
I was eating healthy and taking care of the pets my ex left. I was doing well and had money saved. But "friends" from where I live make it impossible.
I didnt find any happiness in therapy. Ive been in therapy since I was 9. There was even over a decade where I had no depression, until the physical issues and the mental development became so horrific.
I've done IFS, EFT, somatic experiencing, and DBT in person and tons of CBT. I've tried 37 medications for my mental health. I've tried 70+ substances. I did everything I should have and I had women interested in being with me, a future with a specific woman I knew most of the past decade.
But some of the things that have happened have just totally destroyed me. I don't know anymore.
Ketamine therapy was a huge help but I am afraid of the long term effects.. still, it's the only time I've gotten relief.
I don't know. My own mother told me if I am that depressed to just kill myself and get it over with already.
This probably sounds whiney, but I don't want to reach out to anyone in real life. No one understands that despite putting in everything I should have, I never found peace or happiness.
My body is so sick, my mind is so sick, I just want to take my senior cat to the rainbow bridge myself. So tired of this world.
My father was on opioids in early 2000s, they told him they weren't addictive and got kickbacks. Some doctor got chump change at the expense of my father's life when he called in to their office and threatened to end his life, no one even checked on him.. so little has changed and I am now in the same situation as him. Only difference I don't have kids relying on me ... His schizophrenia took over his thought processes and I was the one to find him.
He used carbon monoxide in the garage, I apparently almost died a few times trying to get him out. But he fought me off and locked the door. Or it locked itself. Who knows.
All I know is, no one believed me when I ran back to school. I had to watch my sibling while they carried his body away. The only image I have of him is the bloated dead man that left me in a world he couldn't handle
If he could not handle this world with the abuse he experienced... How did anyone think I could? He left me his name, and all his responsibilities... All my life so far I've allowed myself to be taken advantage of, because I just was so used to it. I stopped having feelings at a young age. I don't know what I am expected to do, but I was clean for around 4 years except alcohol ... I've done 80+ drugs before, but no one believed me. Apparently I guess I hid it too well, because when I reached out everyone accused me of using meth.
I lost 320lb of the 475lbs I weighed last year. I apparently am sick, just had an MRI done. So even if I don't off myself, every day has been physically hell. I work out constantly and walk 15km per day.
I was eating healthy and taking care of the pets my ex left. I was doing well and had money saved. But "friends" from where I live make it impossible.
I didnt find any happiness in therapy. Ive been in therapy since I was 9. There was even over a decade where I had no depression, until the physical issues and the mental development became so horrific.
I've done IFS, EFT, somatic experiencing, and DBT in person and tons of CBT. I've tried 37 medications for my mental health. I've tried 70+ substances. I did everything I should have and I had women interested in being with me, a future with a specific woman I knew most of the past decade.
But some of the things that have happened have just totally destroyed me. I don't know anymore.
Ketamine therapy was a huge help but I am afraid of the long term effects.. still, it's the only time I've gotten relief.
I don't know. My own mother told me if I am that depressed to just kill myself and get it over with already.
This probably sounds whiney, but I don't want to reach out to anyone in real life. No one understands that despite putting in everything I should have, I never found peace or happiness.
My body is so sick, my mind is so sick, I just want to take my senior cat to the rainbow bridge myself. So tired of this world.
