been angry a lot. besides constantly feeling pain, crying, i also have so much hate in me now. not only towards the people that hurt me, but to the rest of the population, the new people i come across. there are times when i want to say something to certain people, as i spend time creating the response, i become exhausted. it ends up not being worth it as much i want to put them in their fucking place. don't have the energy most times to express myself.
i hate the ignorance that exists within people, the criticisms, judgements that they throw at me without fully understanding my thought process. the assumptions about who i am, how i came to be, and the meaning of the words i've tried my best to explain. it pisses me off to no fucking end.
changed a lot as i spent my time here reading about other people's experiences. combined with other events that happened not long ago and the rest of my shit life. a simple way of describing it is i've become extremely cynical and nihilistic, yet it's not as simple as that. nothing is ever black and white. this place molded the way i think further. i've always tried to look at the middleground of things, because I know there's always a gray area that needs to be addressed before making a decision. i don't like to just fall back on what i was taught as a child or learned growing up. i always try my best to question things. suicide as a choice is one of the things that i hold to very strongly after what i've experienced in life. doesn't matter who we are, it's a choice that you can take no matter what.
i'm partly a socialist at heart. i don't like seeing working people suffer because they're being taken advantage of. lots of people don't even realize it. ignorance is bliss, i guess, to an extent. i hate how most people have no will to fight back either and just accepts it. i hate politics.
as much as i hate being alone and feeling lonely because of how i'm now seen on here and in-person, i still wouldn't want the molded part of me changed. not anymore. if people are going to be a bunch of jackasses towards who and how i am, then i'd rather be fucking alone. as uncomfortable as that feels.
i had to put down my cat last year on august. it's coming up soon. i miss him when i do remember him. i have his urn next to me on my desk at all times, but i keep him locked away in my mind because i feel so much fucking pain and guilt going through that process, making that decision for him. i fucking hate myself for it. cried as i type this damn thing out because i remembered a detail i've only ever told one person..it still hurts too fucking much..the way he died..
the only person who joined me for his cremation stopped talking to me because i'm suicidal and only crazy to her eyes now. tried to message her assuming my email isn't blocked like everything else. said if she doesn't want anything to do with me, at least think about my cat. he needs to be remembered. as she loved him quite a bit even with her allergies acting up.
lost too much..
roommate asked for the mailbox key earlier. first time he saw me in a long while. needed to grab a package for himself. i haven't taken any mail from that box because they're all from the medical debt that i'm ignoring and will never pay. as expected, he grabbed everything in the mail and placed it on the dining table. later i placed it all back in the mail box and taken back the key. made me feel like shit seeing all the mail. reminded me of what's waiting if i continue to live. reminded me of why i got the debt in the first fucking place, because people forcibly sent me to the damn hospital.
only been eating cheap pizza for more than 3 months now. making it last for 3 days to save money. only place that's close that sells for cheap. body feels different but that's what i'm hoping for on the side while i continue to be here. i want my heart to fail eventually. maybe i'll get lucky instead of drinking my sn.
don't like to go out. i hate the sunlight, i hate how busy outside is during the day. i overall hate being around people now.
have been breaking down a few times again recently. had a headache for a few days, body pains, exhaustion. losing most of the motivation for the project and slowly stopping. so i'm getting closer to the end.
i hate the ignorance that exists within people, the criticisms, judgements that they throw at me without fully understanding my thought process. the assumptions about who i am, how i came to be, and the meaning of the words i've tried my best to explain. it pisses me off to no fucking end.
changed a lot as i spent my time here reading about other people's experiences. combined with other events that happened not long ago and the rest of my shit life. a simple way of describing it is i've become extremely cynical and nihilistic, yet it's not as simple as that. nothing is ever black and white. this place molded the way i think further. i've always tried to look at the middleground of things, because I know there's always a gray area that needs to be addressed before making a decision. i don't like to just fall back on what i was taught as a child or learned growing up. i always try my best to question things. suicide as a choice is one of the things that i hold to very strongly after what i've experienced in life. doesn't matter who we are, it's a choice that you can take no matter what.
i'm partly a socialist at heart. i don't like seeing working people suffer because they're being taken advantage of. lots of people don't even realize it. ignorance is bliss, i guess, to an extent. i hate how most people have no will to fight back either and just accepts it. i hate politics.
as much as i hate being alone and feeling lonely because of how i'm now seen on here and in-person, i still wouldn't want the molded part of me changed. not anymore. if people are going to be a bunch of jackasses towards who and how i am, then i'd rather be fucking alone. as uncomfortable as that feels.
i had to put down my cat last year on august. it's coming up soon. i miss him when i do remember him. i have his urn next to me on my desk at all times, but i keep him locked away in my mind because i feel so much fucking pain and guilt going through that process, making that decision for him. i fucking hate myself for it. cried as i type this damn thing out because i remembered a detail i've only ever told one person..it still hurts too fucking much..the way he died..
the only person who joined me for his cremation stopped talking to me because i'm suicidal and only crazy to her eyes now. tried to message her assuming my email isn't blocked like everything else. said if she doesn't want anything to do with me, at least think about my cat. he needs to be remembered. as she loved him quite a bit even with her allergies acting up.
lost too much..
roommate asked for the mailbox key earlier. first time he saw me in a long while. needed to grab a package for himself. i haven't taken any mail from that box because they're all from the medical debt that i'm ignoring and will never pay. as expected, he grabbed everything in the mail and placed it on the dining table. later i placed it all back in the mail box and taken back the key. made me feel like shit seeing all the mail. reminded me of what's waiting if i continue to live. reminded me of why i got the debt in the first fucking place, because people forcibly sent me to the damn hospital.
only been eating cheap pizza for more than 3 months now. making it last for 3 days to save money. only place that's close that sells for cheap. body feels different but that's what i'm hoping for on the side while i continue to be here. i want my heart to fail eventually. maybe i'll get lucky instead of drinking my sn.
don't like to go out. i hate the sunlight, i hate how busy outside is during the day. i overall hate being around people now.
have been breaking down a few times again recently. had a headache for a few days, body pains, exhaustion. losing most of the motivation for the project and slowly stopping. so i'm getting closer to the end.
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