Venting A year and 4 months

[Aboutblue]

It's been a year and 4 months since I ruined my life. I fucked up a 9 year relationship and then kept fucking up so badly that she finally told me that she never wanted to speak to me again and if I didn't leave her alone, she would change her number. So I haven't tried reaching out in the past 4 months and I never will again. But the damage was done. I'm a horrible POS for harassing her for a year after she left.

I realized love was basically the only thing I ever wanted in life. But I got complacent and took her for granted. I don't care about my job and don't care about getting a new one. I don't care about anything in life. I'm looking at the prospect of living for another 50+ years and dying totally alone. I'll be able to look back at my life and imagine what could have been if I hadn't ruined everything. I'll be old, alone, and miserable.

My mom says she knows I'll find someone else. Nobody seems to understand that not only will that not happen but I really don't want it to. I love my ex and even if I didn't, I can't take the guilt and pain. And even if I could meet someone else, it wouldn't work. I can't go through this again. It would just fall apart. I don't want someone else.

I'm waiting for my SN to arrive but realized I probably need to get antiemetics. That's going to take another 2 weeks at least and the payment method is complicated and annoying. I can't even try right now bc my bank's bill payer thing is down.

So here I am. My back fucking hurts constantly from this stupid desk job. I cry all day every day. For over a fucking year. I guess there's something wrong with me bc I couldn't ever find happiness outside of this relationship. It just doesn't exist. I have no talents or dreams. Just regret and misery.

The worst part is that I'm terrified that I'll take the SN and then either be in pain or panic and try to backtrack. What if I end up braindead instead? What if I do something dumb like call the cops on myself. I'll be sitting in my bathroom probably puking up my guts and still scared af. I'm doomed to die a miserable death or live an absolutely miserable life for way, way too long.

TLDR: I'm shit, life is shit, everything is shit. If you happen to be with someone you love, don't fuck it up like I did. It ruined me. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

 

[Jimblue]

I am sorry to hear it. I can understand you, I just want to be loved too. But I don't think anyone would ever love me. Probably I don't deserve it too.

Brain dead that scared me too, I don't think I will know it. But I don't want to end up in a vegetable in ICU for years.

 

[jodes2]

Sorry about your relationship. I wish you could get over it and move on but obviously it's just too hard, I'm sorry.

SN should work as long as you don't call for help

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have suffered a lot. It's such a depressing and cruel existence and I understand that it's awful being trapped in a life that you hate. The fear of failing ctb in general is what holds me back from attempting, but of course many people have succeeded with SN so therefore it's a reliable method. I wish you freedom from what you are going through.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I realized love was basically the only thing I ever wanted in life.

Same, I also realized it too late (never had a gf, though). Surprisingly relatable for a post mentioning an ex. Sure you can't just get the same thing with another person? I mean, for most people they eventually can, right? It makes sense that after a cooldown period one could try again.

 

[Aboutblue]

Same, I also realized it too late (never had a gf, though). Surprisingly relatable for a post mentioning an ex. Sure you can't just get the same thing with another person? I mean, for most people they eventually can, right? It makes sense that after a cooldown period one could try again.

I guess... conceivably... Maybe? But I think it would take me 5-10 years to even think about moving on and I'm so fucking tired. I won the lottery when I met my ex. So many things conspired to line up in a way that it's almost unbelievable. At every turn it shouldn't have worked but she picked me anyway for some stupid fucking reason.

Even if I move on, I'll always regret everything. If I just knew I could be in her life somehow it would be OK. Even if we just talked once a year. But my best friend, the person who was my family, will never speak to me again. I deserve that but I don't know how to live with it.

I dunno if you're going to die soon but I hope you and the other person in this thread who mentioned it can find love. I always say it's not better to have loved and lost than never loved at all because this hurts so much, but that's not really what I think. I got really lucky to have almost 10 years with an amazing gf. It's selfish to want more when I never deserved her anyway. It's just so hard when you know they loved you and now they don't, and it was all your fault. She probably would have married me if I wasn't such garbage. I know there was a time she wanted to.

 

[Jimblue]

I guess... conceivably... Maybe? But I think it would take me 5-10 years to even think about moving on and I'm so fucking tired. I won the lottery when I met my ex. So many things conspired to line up in a way that it's almost unbelievable. At every turn it shouldn't have worked but she picked me anyway for some stupid fucking reason.

Even if I move on, I'll always regret everything. If I just knew I could be in her life somehow it would be OK. Even if we just talked once a year. But my best friend, the person who was my family, will never speak to me again. I deserve that but I don't know how to live with it.

I dunno if you're going to die soon but I hope you and the other person in this thread who mentioned it can find love. I always say it's not better to have loved and lost than never loved at all because this hurts so much, but that's not really what I think. I got really lucky to have almost 10 years with an amazing gf. It's selfish to want more when I never deserved her anyway. It's just so hard when you know they loved you and now they don't, and it was all your fault. She probably would have married me if I wasn't such garbage. I know there was a time she wanted to.

Sounds like a challenge situation. I am experiencing sorts of same here.

Perhaps give a bit time, she may change the mind. If she want to marry you in same point. I am sure she loved you.

 

[theboy]

I feel like I always ruin relationships. I hope you get better soon

 

[Jimblue]

Same, I also realized it too late (never had a gf, though). Surprisingly relatable for a post mentioning an ex. Sure you can't just get the same thing with another person? I mean, for most people they eventually can, right? It makes sense that after a cooldown period one could try again.

I always know I just want to be loved in my life. But it's seems hard to achieve it.

I tried very hard for 13 years so far.

 

[Lifeaballache]

It's been a year and 4 months since I ruined my life. I fucked up a 9 year relationship and then kept fucking up so badly that she finally told me that she never wanted to speak to me again and if I didn't leave her alone, she would change her number. So I haven't tried reaching out in the past 4 months and I never will again. But the damage was done. I'm a horrible POS for harassing her for a year after she left.

I realized love was basically the only thing I ever wanted in life. But I got complacent and took her for granted. I don't care about my job and don't care about getting a new one. I don't care about anything in life. I'm looking at the prospect of living for another 50+ years and dying totally alone. I'll be able to look back at my life and imagine what could have been if I hadn't ruined everything. I'll be old, alone, and miserable.

My mom says she knows I'll find someone else. Nobody seems to understand that not only will that not happen but I really don't want it to. I love my ex and even if I didn't, I can't take the guilt and pain. And even if I could meet someone else, it wouldn't work. I can't go through this again. It would just fall apart. I don't want someone else.

I'm waiting for my SN to arrive but realized I probably need to get antiemetics. That's going to take another 2 weeks at least and the payment method is complicated and annoying. I can't even try right now bc my bank's bill payer thing is down.

So here I am. My back fucking hurts constantly from this stupid desk job. I cry all day every day. For over a fucking year. I guess there's something wrong with me bc I couldn't ever find happiness outside of this relationship. It just doesn't exist. I have no talents or dreams. Just regret and misery.

The worst part is that I'm terrified that I'll take the SN and then either be in pain or panic and try to backtrack. What if I end up braindead instead? What if I do something dumb like call the cops on myself. I'll be sitting in my bathroom probably puking up my guts and still scared af. I'm doomed to die a miserable death or live an absolutely miserable life for way, way too long.

TLDR: I'm shit, life is shit, everything is shit. If you happen to be with someone you love, don't fuck it up like I did. It ruined me. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

Everyone seems so scared of ending up brain dead on here. Being brain dead is practically the same as being dead and you will die eventually.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

It takes a long time to get over some lost loves. I know you don't want to hear that, but it can be true. By long time, I mean it too me over 3 years to get over my last love, which was a long time ago. That crap about guys not being emotional and all that shit, simply isn't always true. We can be just as emotional as the girls.