Jean4
Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
- Apr 28, 2019
- 7,557
Early this morning GMT time, I am honored to have been asked by Howard to be with him as he CTB.
Howard was one of Stan's crew. I knew him from the board, talked to him on threads, but that was the extent of my interactions with him. Howard did not trust too many people but trusted me because of my relationship with Stan. He asked to be with me at that time, and I could take over his thread and provide updates.
Howard's method was SN and he followed Stan's guide.
Howard had two main long term partners - Christine and Penny. Both died and they were wonderful relationships. Both of his parents died. Howard was with his father who died in 1993, but not his mother who he was estranged from, which made him sad.
He did not speak to his brother who he was estranged from for 25 years. The only contact he had was via a solicitor when his mother died. He felt sad for the loss of his contact with his brother and did not remember what caused the rift between them. He had fond memories of them playing together as a child.
Howard's brother tried to CTB when he was 16. Howard was 10 years old at the time, and he saved him. Howard was happy that he had a good life after that, so he felt good for saving him.
Howard felt he had no options left. Financially, he was completely out of funds. All his cards were maxed out and was homeless. He was in a hotel that he could not pay for. He can't get benefits and had chronic leg pain due to a back problem. He was offered surgery, but could not have it because he was homeless. He said his wife died 4 years ago and remained bereaved. He also feared being sent to prison because he could not afford to pay the hotel bill. He had enough and knew he could not live on the streets and would be harmed or worse.
Howard talked about his childhood. He remembered learning to ride a bike, swimming, and Christmas. He talked about his teen years and how he liked sports and the outdoors.
Pets were important to him and he had dogs until 4 years ago. When he was a child, he had a tortoise. He said that he learned about death from the tortoise and he didn't wake up after hibernation. He had good parents and loved school despite being bullied for a short period of time. He was a cub scout, scouts, and later air cadets.
He talked about how with his late wife, did open canoeing on lakes around the UK. He traveled a lot especially to Greek Islands and Turkey.
He was concerned about his death hitting the news, as the hotel he was in was nice and he did not want them to have the bad press. He also was sad that he didn't pay his bill.
SI ideations kicked in for him and he took multiple showers, poured the SN but could not drink it, watched tv and went outside to find cigarette butts to smoke. He even cleaned his hotel room. When he took the SN, he was very proud that he was able to do it.
Howard wanted people to know that he was never bad, just stupid. A long series of bad decisions led him to this point. He could not imagine not existing. He didn't know if it was fear or disbelief that this was actually happening.
Howard, I am sorry that life lead you to this and I was privileged that you chose me to be with you. It was wonderful getting to know you in your final hours... and your life mattered. May you be reunited with your loved ones, be out of pain and see Stan again so you can thank him as you wished. Love and Light.
Howard was one of Stan's crew. I knew him from the board, talked to him on threads, but that was the extent of my interactions with him. Howard did not trust too many people but trusted me because of my relationship with Stan. He asked to be with me at that time, and I could take over his thread and provide updates.
Howard's method was SN and he followed Stan's guide.
Howard had two main long term partners - Christine and Penny. Both died and they were wonderful relationships. Both of his parents died. Howard was with his father who died in 1993, but not his mother who he was estranged from, which made him sad.
He did not speak to his brother who he was estranged from for 25 years. The only contact he had was via a solicitor when his mother died. He felt sad for the loss of his contact with his brother and did not remember what caused the rift between them. He had fond memories of them playing together as a child.
Howard's brother tried to CTB when he was 16. Howard was 10 years old at the time, and he saved him. Howard was happy that he had a good life after that, so he felt good for saving him.
Howard felt he had no options left. Financially, he was completely out of funds. All his cards were maxed out and was homeless. He was in a hotel that he could not pay for. He can't get benefits and had chronic leg pain due to a back problem. He was offered surgery, but could not have it because he was homeless. He said his wife died 4 years ago and remained bereaved. He also feared being sent to prison because he could not afford to pay the hotel bill. He had enough and knew he could not live on the streets and would be harmed or worse.
Howard talked about his childhood. He remembered learning to ride a bike, swimming, and Christmas. He talked about his teen years and how he liked sports and the outdoors.
Pets were important to him and he had dogs until 4 years ago. When he was a child, he had a tortoise. He said that he learned about death from the tortoise and he didn't wake up after hibernation. He had good parents and loved school despite being bullied for a short period of time. He was a cub scout, scouts, and later air cadets.
He talked about how with his late wife, did open canoeing on lakes around the UK. He traveled a lot especially to Greek Islands and Turkey.
He was concerned about his death hitting the news, as the hotel he was in was nice and he did not want them to have the bad press. He also was sad that he didn't pay his bill.
SI ideations kicked in for him and he took multiple showers, poured the SN but could not drink it, watched tv and went outside to find cigarette butts to smoke. He even cleaned his hotel room. When he took the SN, he was very proud that he was able to do it.
Howard wanted people to know that he was never bad, just stupid. A long series of bad decisions led him to this point. He could not imagine not existing. He didn't know if it was fear or disbelief that this was actually happening.
Howard, I am sorry that life lead you to this and I was privileged that you chose me to be with you. It was wonderful getting to know you in your final hours... and your life mattered. May you be reunited with your loved ones, be out of pain and see Stan again so you can thank him as you wished. Love and Light.
