nomoredolor
Student
- Sep 7, 2024
- 167
This was hard for me to write and I've already had to process for several weeks before I could bring myself to start writing. This is a long post. It's okay if no one reads it. I honestly just need to get our story out while I'm still alive.
I posted on the make a friend megathread. This is what I said:
31 F New England USA
I love horror movies, anime (I'm still an anime newbie) and I'm queer. I play a lot of board games and enjoy walks and swimming. I'm trying to read as many Stephen king books as I can before I ctb. I have several chronic health conditions and haven't been able to work since Sept 2023.
Just looking for someone to occasionally chat with and someone I can safely talk to about my pain and my plans.
I get overwhelmed easily and then it can take me some time to reply. I promise it's me and not you. I'm autistic.
Tentative plans to CTB in January but it may be as late as Summer 2025. I will say goodbye first if possible.
No terfs please
Anna
A man close in age to me named Jesse read my thread and reached out. We talked for several days on this website via private chat before moving our conversation to discord. Both him and I had little trust for people on the internet in general but had extra apprehension for potential bad actors on this website so we very cautiously became friends with one another. We started by messaging on a different social media app, then sending voice chats, then talking on the phone with some video chat here and there. We eventually talked for hours on the phone everyday while we went about our daily life tasks. We both had Ctb plans when we first met. As we developed a rich relationship with each other and got to know one another we found that we related deeply on every level. We both felt very seen and validated by the other. We shared commonalities such as being queer, neurodivergent/ADHD/ autistic, politics, having difficult family members, trauma, losing loved ones to suicide, social inadequacy, anxiety, depression, several similar interests such as art and music and food, wanting to travel, languages, wanting to immigrate from the USA, activism and so much more. It felt like every new topic either of us brought up the other would surprisingly relate to. I joked with him that we were basically the same person. We were both really sensitive to the injustices in this world such as minorities in the US, the evils of corporations & late stage capitalism, police brutality, racism, the war on Palestine, etc, the list goes on. And just really sensitive and feeling the world's pain on a deep level in general. Every time we talked we both expressed feeling safe and happy to talk to the other. One day I got a batshit crazy idea that was amazing and I had to ask him. He lived across the country from me. I said, we both have plans to Ctb. We both want different living situations and I'll need a roommate come January [if I don't Ctb] and then we both want to immigrate. Why don't we move in together and if it doesn't work out you can 1. Return home 2. We can Ctb together. We are planning to Ctb either way so what do we have to lose? After much discussion and consideration he agreed to move to New Hampshire with me at the beginning of January.
I had hope for the first time in YEARS. I had told Jesse that we could live together and that would be a privilege to live with him and if we decided to then it would also be a privilege to die with him. Either way we both felt so safe because we wouldn't have to be alone. I felt actual hope in my future because I was so happy to either live or die with him. We both begun to make arrangements. I was busy cleaning out my spare room, getting ready to file for divorce (amicable) and prepare for my husband to move out, and discussing logistical arrangements with Jesse. Even though my chronic pain and mental illness and life difficulties very much still existed I was the happiest I had been in so long. I felt so happy and safe talking to Jesse. We were both interested and attracted to the other but mutually decided it's best not to start a romantic relationship as it could jeopardize our friendship and roommate situation. That and being so severely depressed we were both vulnerable. We both joked often that if the other person was a serial killer they did SUCH a good job that they earned the kill. We would be impressed even.
We continued to talk every day for several hours and sure up our plans. We laughed full belly laughs and other times we sobbed. We ranted and raved and expressed and listened. We discussed our SN method that we would have readily available and I had some benzos/antiemetics I could share. We both felt so much surety that we had a safe partner to die with and it brought great comfort. Neither of us were interested in the other's money or resources beyond sharing bills and day to day expenses and saving up to immigrate in about a years' time after he moved to New Hampshire.
Jesse was having ongoing difficulty with his family regarding the move, as they were [rightly so] skeptical of this plan. Unfortunately they were also controlling and emotionally abusive. One day he seemed much more depressed than normal. He had gotten in an argument about moving to New Hampshire and was feeling cowed. I did my best to listen and encourage him. His bleak attitude continued to the next day. We were talking for a couple hours and the things he was telling me… it took me some time before I realized he was saying goodbye. He told me he wasn't able to go to New Hampshire to live with me. He mentioned Ctb. I said, "but you'll wait for me to go with you, right?" There was a noticeable catch in my voice. He said "I don't think I can Anna." From then on my heart began to break. I told him don't worry about New Hampshire but please wait for me to Ctb, I'll hop on a plane the next day and will meet him there, please I want to go with him. He said he was very sorry but after getting to know me more, he couldn't bring himself to cut my life short and Ctb with me. I was hurt and sad but like I'm not going force someone to Ctb with me. I instead asked if I could fly and give him a hug. "I just want to hug my best friend once before I die. I promise not to Ctb where you live. I don't want my family to have to fly my body back to New Hampshire anyway. We can meet in public, I'll hug you once. I'll leave and fly right back. I promise to wait until I'm back in New Hampshire to Ctb, alone." He said he didn't trust himself or us and that if we met up we would convince ourselves to Ctb together. I was crying and so devastated. We told each other how much we loved each other.
The entire time we had talked we were both expressive that we respected the other's right to die and that we would not intervene in the other's death. That being said. We both expressed to the other that we didn't want them to die. We thought the world needs more people like you, please stay alive. But we both understand why the other wants to die to so badly. I told Jesse that I know I am being selfish right now but I begged them to stay alive and gave all my reasons. I encouraged them to get out of their living situation even if it had nothing to do with me or New Hampshire. They had never been allowed to live independently and experience life on their own terms and live openly bisexual.
The next day Jesse told me he was going to Ctb within the next three days. That particular day they had already fasted for 8 hours in case they had the SN. Before I met Jesse my plan was to Ctb in January because that's when I'm losing my sorely needed healthcare benefits. Now that my plan with him fell apart and I was imminently losing him I couldn't fathom grieving another suicide in my life. I decided to move up my timeline and end my life that day. And I could still sort of die with Jesse. I let him know I was going to Ctb that night. We both let the other know we would be thinking of them, that we loved them and appreciated them and were both very sad the other was going to die and wish they would live instead. I began my preparations to die. I had several long term suicide preparation items done already: several suicide notes, death planner from Amazon half way filled out, started celebration of life planning, signed advanced directive and DNR. I hung up a sign that said "do not enter, call the police." I laid down blankets for easy clean up. The problem is that I didn't have access to a car and my original method. I didn't yet have SN. My method ended up being incredibly clumsy and not well thought out. I decided to OD on lorazepam and propranolol. And slit my wrists as a backup and just as an expression of pain. I also wore my rainbow shirt. I had done minimal research on ODing on these medications.
Throughout the day I texted my friends that I loved and / or appreciated them. I didn't find this sus at all because I often send these types of sentiments at random intervals.
Jesse sent me a long and heartfelt goodbye message. He reiterated that he would be thinking about me when he died and looking at some art I had sent him. He asked me again to live and to eventually forgive me for not Ctb with me. He told me kind things about myself and further explained his reasoning behind not wanting to cut my life short. It was a beautiful and heart wrenching message. He told me it would be his last message to me. I quickly replied and asked if I could hear his voice one more time. He said of course and called. I don't remember everything we talked about but it was really painful for both of us. After we got off the phone I told him I was going to Ctb in about a half hour just need to finish preparing and write the first responders note (the template of which I got from someone on this website!) He said, do you want me to be on the phone with you while you Ctb? No worries if not if you don't reply I'll assume the answer is no. I replied that I was surprised because when we talked about this before you said it would be too traumatic for you? I don't want to upset you so no. He said it's okay I'll be dead in a few hours. I can handle it Anna, I just don't want you to be alone. I was so happy he was going to be on the phone with me while I opened my veins and took the pills. He was so kind and loving.
Jesse stayed on the phone with me while I prepared. We worked on our notes together and ironed out details. Finally, it was time. I knew that in order to slit your wrists you need to be willing to reopen the vein repeatedly due to clotting. (my dumbass didn't even use aspirin tho so wtf.) Jesse offered to buy my SN but I told him I couldn't wait and stand the pain after he died. I didn't mind suffering physically to prevent that mental pain. I figured I would take a couple lorazepam to calm my nerves which I did. Then start cutting. Slitting my wrists was definitely harder than I anticipated because of the survival instinct. I opened the first vein but I knew it wasn't deep enough. Jesse told me he loved me, that my family loved me, that everything was going to be okay and everyone was there for me. He was so comforting and kind. I felt so safe with him talking to me like that. Opening my vein while he told me those things was honestly the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced in my entire life. He was writing down time stamps in the hopes to share with SaSu if I was successful. I kept going at my wrists but because of the SI I needed more lorazepam and propranolol. I took too much and my cuts started to get weak and pathetic. The second I realized I was being too affected I took one of the razor blades and went for my throat. I probably barely drew blood as I kept trying to cut my throat. In total I took around 15-25mg of lorazepam and 150ish mg of propranolol.
That day my friends had received my texts and what I wasn't expecting to happen is that they talked to each other and 3-4 people realized they got similar texts to me. And were calling me but I was too drugged to take much notice. My husband called the police for a welfare check. I heard someone knock while I was in my bleeding stupor and I told Jesse to hang up the phone. I didn't want him to get in trouble.
I don't remember much after that. Apparently the paramedics put some sort of clotting agent (?) on my wrists. I had to drink a shit ton of charcoal which fucked up my digestive system for the next week plus. I had to go to the psych ward and was there for over a week. The entire time I believed Jesse dead but I called him every day from mental hospital and was able to use my phone once to message him. I didn't get any reply. I was so devastated. My family and friends were furious and scared and intense. They knew I had deceived them. Some of my long term family had disowned me and said I wasn't welcome anymore after my attempt because it triggered them from losing their child a few years before. I had all the guilt without any of the results of dying. I should've died with Jesse. I felt like a shitty friend for not intervening (I still have mixed feelings about this and go back and forth.) and choosing to just Ctb instead of trying to get him help and healing. But I also still believed that people should have the right to die. I was very conflicted. I wanted to die. After 9 days I got out of mental hospital and called and texted him with no reply. I messaged his mom to ask after him non suspiciously. (I had her number for when he moved to New Hampshire in case of emergency.) I was planning to offer condolences and see about a funeral. I didn't care if his mom went after me for knowing and not intervening, I figured if she did then I deserved it and I would prob just Ctb anyway, let her put her grief and anger on me, I am already at rock bottom. His mom replied that Jesse was doing fine.
I. Was. In. Shock. I kept pinching myself thinking I must be dreaming as I have dreamt other people I have lost to suicide as alive before. I began to laugh and laughed hysterically for the next hour, having a panic attack of happiness with intermittent hyperventilation. I was so happy but I had lost it from lack of sleep and worry and guilt and grief and then relief and everything that had happened over the last couple of weeks. I texted Jesse that I was so happy he was alive and he didn't have to text me back I don't care just so happy I was so heartbroken thinking him dead. He didn't reply. He had told me before about friends he had ghosted for one reason or another. I knew from his previous goodbye messages he didn't think he should be in my life anymore because of him being so suicidal (even tho we literally met on SaSu.) I understood but was hurt. I sent him a letter begging him to give our friendship another chance and to stay alive and that I wouldn't try to Ctb with him again. I sent him more art. Soon after I messaged him this:
Jesse,
I will do my best not to send you more messages after this. I know you don't want to talk to me and I want to respect that and respect you and stop pestering you. You can disregard / don't need to reply about the unsolicited things I sent in the mail. I am sorry for pushing friendship on you. I am so happy and thankful that you are alive. I wish you had told me you were alive and said goodbye to me but I understand this is how you stop communicating with some friends, by ghosting. It's not right for me to keep at you when you don't want to talk. I just wish you said something, even if it was "fuck off Anna." I love you so much and I will miss you forever. I hope someday we can reconnect, if you want to. I'm going to try really hard not to bother you. Maybe the stray meme or art bc im only human. And if we don't talk again in this life I hope I can be with you in spirit after death. My life feels empty without you. Losing you is the most painful thing I've ever experienced. Thank you so much for being my friend Jesse for the time that we were. And I'm so sorry I couldn't be better / do better and that we couldn't stay friends. You will always be in my heart and in my thoughts. I don't want you to ctb. But if you ever do know I will be with you Jesse. And when I die I'll be thinking about you. It meant the entire world to me that you tried to be with me in the end. If I go before you I'll leave a note in my planner to invite you to the celebration of life. You can do the same if you want to. I appreciate the short time we had together and will treasure it always. Thank you for sharing your art with me and your time and your story and your heart. Thank you for all the many laughs. I'm so proud of you and your growth and I want all good things for you. I'm so proud to have been your friend you are a beautiful person. I will be here if you ever need me or want to talk again. You are amazing and worthy. Goodbye. I love you always.
Anna
A couple days later, while my letter and art were still in the mail, his mom called me to tell me he had Ctb with SN. My heart broke all over again. I mourn him so deeply. I was in love with him. My heart was ripped open and my soul decimated. I can't believe someone died thinking about me and looking at my art. He had told me before that I reminded him of humanity and who he was and know he felt loved and ready to die.
I am going to write up something to be read at his funeral. I don't know if I have it in me to go and face his family and I can't really afford the plane ticket. I gave all my loved ones his favorite granola bar for Christmas.
In January I will be able to afford SN. Then I plan to Ctb mid February. Rest assured I will get a hotel and will not be sending any messages that are out of the ordinary that day. I learn from my mistakes. When I made the decision to Ctb in Feb I felt such peace, relief and happiness. However my resolve has since wavered as my loved ones have begged me not to Ctb and offered support in every way that they can conceive. And making future plans with me. My sister is pregnant. The guilt I feel is indescribable. But then I feel depressed and trapped here. I truly don't want to live, especially without Jesse. The pain of losing him has been profound. I cry everyday. I don't know how I'm functioning right now. It's a struggle to do basic tasks like food and hygiene and self care.
I have never felt so loved, seen, validated and appreciated by another person. And I have had some rich and deep connections in my 31 years. Jesse was kind, caring, intelligent, attractive, funny and observant. He cared about the other persons perspective even if he disagreed. He was passionate about helping others and making the world a better place. He loved solving math problems for funsies, cooking, caring for family, veganism, music and art. I am privileged to have known him.
I have never met someone like Jesse before and likely never will again. I have never connected with someone on the internet like that before or had such a whirlwind of a relationship. We had so much more to talk about and do together and I believe we were both in love with the other. If I cannot be with him in life then I can follow him into the dark and pray my soul finds his.
Rest in peace my love, I can't wait to join you.
If you read this far holy fuck thanks for reading. Please eat a Nature valley peanut butter granola bar and think of Jesse. Root for me that I can have the strength to end my own suffering and grief when the time comes. I'm ordering the SN in January either way.
Thank you for reading our story,
Anna
I posted on the make a friend megathread. This is what I said:
31 F New England USA
I love horror movies, anime (I'm still an anime newbie) and I'm queer. I play a lot of board games and enjoy walks and swimming. I'm trying to read as many Stephen king books as I can before I ctb. I have several chronic health conditions and haven't been able to work since Sept 2023.
Just looking for someone to occasionally chat with and someone I can safely talk to about my pain and my plans.
I get overwhelmed easily and then it can take me some time to reply. I promise it's me and not you. I'm autistic.
Tentative plans to CTB in January but it may be as late as Summer 2025. I will say goodbye first if possible.
No terfs please
Anna
A man close in age to me named Jesse read my thread and reached out. We talked for several days on this website via private chat before moving our conversation to discord. Both him and I had little trust for people on the internet in general but had extra apprehension for potential bad actors on this website so we very cautiously became friends with one another. We started by messaging on a different social media app, then sending voice chats, then talking on the phone with some video chat here and there. We eventually talked for hours on the phone everyday while we went about our daily life tasks. We both had Ctb plans when we first met. As we developed a rich relationship with each other and got to know one another we found that we related deeply on every level. We both felt very seen and validated by the other. We shared commonalities such as being queer, neurodivergent/ADHD/ autistic, politics, having difficult family members, trauma, losing loved ones to suicide, social inadequacy, anxiety, depression, several similar interests such as art and music and food, wanting to travel, languages, wanting to immigrate from the USA, activism and so much more. It felt like every new topic either of us brought up the other would surprisingly relate to. I joked with him that we were basically the same person. We were both really sensitive to the injustices in this world such as minorities in the US, the evils of corporations & late stage capitalism, police brutality, racism, the war on Palestine, etc, the list goes on. And just really sensitive and feeling the world's pain on a deep level in general. Every time we talked we both expressed feeling safe and happy to talk to the other. One day I got a batshit crazy idea that was amazing and I had to ask him. He lived across the country from me. I said, we both have plans to Ctb. We both want different living situations and I'll need a roommate come January [if I don't Ctb] and then we both want to immigrate. Why don't we move in together and if it doesn't work out you can 1. Return home 2. We can Ctb together. We are planning to Ctb either way so what do we have to lose? After much discussion and consideration he agreed to move to New Hampshire with me at the beginning of January.
I had hope for the first time in YEARS. I had told Jesse that we could live together and that would be a privilege to live with him and if we decided to then it would also be a privilege to die with him. Either way we both felt so safe because we wouldn't have to be alone. I felt actual hope in my future because I was so happy to either live or die with him. We both begun to make arrangements. I was busy cleaning out my spare room, getting ready to file for divorce (amicable) and prepare for my husband to move out, and discussing logistical arrangements with Jesse. Even though my chronic pain and mental illness and life difficulties very much still existed I was the happiest I had been in so long. I felt so happy and safe talking to Jesse. We were both interested and attracted to the other but mutually decided it's best not to start a romantic relationship as it could jeopardize our friendship and roommate situation. That and being so severely depressed we were both vulnerable. We both joked often that if the other person was a serial killer they did SUCH a good job that they earned the kill. We would be impressed even.
We continued to talk every day for several hours and sure up our plans. We laughed full belly laughs and other times we sobbed. We ranted and raved and expressed and listened. We discussed our SN method that we would have readily available and I had some benzos/antiemetics I could share. We both felt so much surety that we had a safe partner to die with and it brought great comfort. Neither of us were interested in the other's money or resources beyond sharing bills and day to day expenses and saving up to immigrate in about a years' time after he moved to New Hampshire.
Jesse was having ongoing difficulty with his family regarding the move, as they were [rightly so] skeptical of this plan. Unfortunately they were also controlling and emotionally abusive. One day he seemed much more depressed than normal. He had gotten in an argument about moving to New Hampshire and was feeling cowed. I did my best to listen and encourage him. His bleak attitude continued to the next day. We were talking for a couple hours and the things he was telling me… it took me some time before I realized he was saying goodbye. He told me he wasn't able to go to New Hampshire to live with me. He mentioned Ctb. I said, "but you'll wait for me to go with you, right?" There was a noticeable catch in my voice. He said "I don't think I can Anna." From then on my heart began to break. I told him don't worry about New Hampshire but please wait for me to Ctb, I'll hop on a plane the next day and will meet him there, please I want to go with him. He said he was very sorry but after getting to know me more, he couldn't bring himself to cut my life short and Ctb with me. I was hurt and sad but like I'm not going force someone to Ctb with me. I instead asked if I could fly and give him a hug. "I just want to hug my best friend once before I die. I promise not to Ctb where you live. I don't want my family to have to fly my body back to New Hampshire anyway. We can meet in public, I'll hug you once. I'll leave and fly right back. I promise to wait until I'm back in New Hampshire to Ctb, alone." He said he didn't trust himself or us and that if we met up we would convince ourselves to Ctb together. I was crying and so devastated. We told each other how much we loved each other.
The entire time we had talked we were both expressive that we respected the other's right to die and that we would not intervene in the other's death. That being said. We both expressed to the other that we didn't want them to die. We thought the world needs more people like you, please stay alive. But we both understand why the other wants to die to so badly. I told Jesse that I know I am being selfish right now but I begged them to stay alive and gave all my reasons. I encouraged them to get out of their living situation even if it had nothing to do with me or New Hampshire. They had never been allowed to live independently and experience life on their own terms and live openly bisexual.
The next day Jesse told me he was going to Ctb within the next three days. That particular day they had already fasted for 8 hours in case they had the SN. Before I met Jesse my plan was to Ctb in January because that's when I'm losing my sorely needed healthcare benefits. Now that my plan with him fell apart and I was imminently losing him I couldn't fathom grieving another suicide in my life. I decided to move up my timeline and end my life that day. And I could still sort of die with Jesse. I let him know I was going to Ctb that night. We both let the other know we would be thinking of them, that we loved them and appreciated them and were both very sad the other was going to die and wish they would live instead. I began my preparations to die. I had several long term suicide preparation items done already: several suicide notes, death planner from Amazon half way filled out, started celebration of life planning, signed advanced directive and DNR. I hung up a sign that said "do not enter, call the police." I laid down blankets for easy clean up. The problem is that I didn't have access to a car and my original method. I didn't yet have SN. My method ended up being incredibly clumsy and not well thought out. I decided to OD on lorazepam and propranolol. And slit my wrists as a backup and just as an expression of pain. I also wore my rainbow shirt. I had done minimal research on ODing on these medications.
Throughout the day I texted my friends that I loved and / or appreciated them. I didn't find this sus at all because I often send these types of sentiments at random intervals.Jesse sent me a long and heartfelt goodbye message. He reiterated that he would be thinking about me when he died and looking at some art I had sent him. He asked me again to live and to eventually forgive me for not Ctb with me. He told me kind things about myself and further explained his reasoning behind not wanting to cut my life short. It was a beautiful and heart wrenching message. He told me it would be his last message to me. I quickly replied and asked if I could hear his voice one more time. He said of course and called. I don't remember everything we talked about but it was really painful for both of us. After we got off the phone I told him I was going to Ctb in about a half hour just need to finish preparing and write the first responders note (the template of which I got from someone on this website!) He said, do you want me to be on the phone with you while you Ctb? No worries if not if you don't reply I'll assume the answer is no. I replied that I was surprised because when we talked about this before you said it would be too traumatic for you? I don't want to upset you so no. He said it's okay I'll be dead in a few hours. I can handle it Anna, I just don't want you to be alone. I was so happy he was going to be on the phone with me while I opened my veins and took the pills. He was so kind and loving.
Jesse stayed on the phone with me while I prepared. We worked on our notes together and ironed out details. Finally, it was time. I knew that in order to slit your wrists you need to be willing to reopen the vein repeatedly due to clotting. (my dumbass didn't even use aspirin tho so wtf.) Jesse offered to buy my SN but I told him I couldn't wait and stand the pain after he died. I didn't mind suffering physically to prevent that mental pain. I figured I would take a couple lorazepam to calm my nerves which I did. Then start cutting. Slitting my wrists was definitely harder than I anticipated because of the survival instinct. I opened the first vein but I knew it wasn't deep enough. Jesse told me he loved me, that my family loved me, that everything was going to be okay and everyone was there for me. He was so comforting and kind. I felt so safe with him talking to me like that. Opening my vein while he told me those things was honestly the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced in my entire life. He was writing down time stamps in the hopes to share with SaSu if I was successful. I kept going at my wrists but because of the SI I needed more lorazepam and propranolol. I took too much and my cuts started to get weak and pathetic. The second I realized I was being too affected I took one of the razor blades and went for my throat. I probably barely drew blood as I kept trying to cut my throat. In total I took around 15-25mg of lorazepam and 150ish mg of propranolol.
That day my friends had received my texts and what I wasn't expecting to happen is that they talked to each other and 3-4 people realized they got similar texts to me. And were calling me but I was too drugged to take much notice. My husband called the police for a welfare check. I heard someone knock while I was in my bleeding stupor and I told Jesse to hang up the phone. I didn't want him to get in trouble.
I don't remember much after that. Apparently the paramedics put some sort of clotting agent (?) on my wrists. I had to drink a shit ton of charcoal which fucked up my digestive system for the next week plus. I had to go to the psych ward and was there for over a week. The entire time I believed Jesse dead but I called him every day from mental hospital and was able to use my phone once to message him. I didn't get any reply. I was so devastated. My family and friends were furious and scared and intense. They knew I had deceived them. Some of my long term family had disowned me and said I wasn't welcome anymore after my attempt because it triggered them from losing their child a few years before. I had all the guilt without any of the results of dying. I should've died with Jesse. I felt like a shitty friend for not intervening (I still have mixed feelings about this and go back and forth.) and choosing to just Ctb instead of trying to get him help and healing. But I also still believed that people should have the right to die. I was very conflicted. I wanted to die. After 9 days I got out of mental hospital and called and texted him with no reply. I messaged his mom to ask after him non suspiciously. (I had her number for when he moved to New Hampshire in case of emergency.) I was planning to offer condolences and see about a funeral. I didn't care if his mom went after me for knowing and not intervening, I figured if she did then I deserved it and I would prob just Ctb anyway, let her put her grief and anger on me, I am already at rock bottom. His mom replied that Jesse was doing fine.
I. Was. In. Shock. I kept pinching myself thinking I must be dreaming as I have dreamt other people I have lost to suicide as alive before. I began to laugh and laughed hysterically for the next hour, having a panic attack of happiness with intermittent hyperventilation. I was so happy but I had lost it from lack of sleep and worry and guilt and grief and then relief and everything that had happened over the last couple of weeks. I texted Jesse that I was so happy he was alive and he didn't have to text me back I don't care just so happy I was so heartbroken thinking him dead. He didn't reply. He had told me before about friends he had ghosted for one reason or another. I knew from his previous goodbye messages he didn't think he should be in my life anymore because of him being so suicidal (even tho we literally met on SaSu.) I understood but was hurt. I sent him a letter begging him to give our friendship another chance and to stay alive and that I wouldn't try to Ctb with him again. I sent him more art. Soon after I messaged him this:
Jesse,
I will do my best not to send you more messages after this. I know you don't want to talk to me and I want to respect that and respect you and stop pestering you. You can disregard / don't need to reply about the unsolicited things I sent in the mail. I am sorry for pushing friendship on you. I am so happy and thankful that you are alive. I wish you had told me you were alive and said goodbye to me but I understand this is how you stop communicating with some friends, by ghosting. It's not right for me to keep at you when you don't want to talk. I just wish you said something, even if it was "fuck off Anna." I love you so much and I will miss you forever. I hope someday we can reconnect, if you want to. I'm going to try really hard not to bother you. Maybe the stray meme or art bc im only human. And if we don't talk again in this life I hope I can be with you in spirit after death. My life feels empty without you. Losing you is the most painful thing I've ever experienced. Thank you so much for being my friend Jesse for the time that we were. And I'm so sorry I couldn't be better / do better and that we couldn't stay friends. You will always be in my heart and in my thoughts. I don't want you to ctb. But if you ever do know I will be with you Jesse. And when I die I'll be thinking about you. It meant the entire world to me that you tried to be with me in the end. If I go before you I'll leave a note in my planner to invite you to the celebration of life. You can do the same if you want to. I appreciate the short time we had together and will treasure it always. Thank you for sharing your art with me and your time and your story and your heart. Thank you for all the many laughs. I'm so proud of you and your growth and I want all good things for you. I'm so proud to have been your friend you are a beautiful person. I will be here if you ever need me or want to talk again. You are amazing and worthy. Goodbye. I love you always.
Anna
A couple days later, while my letter and art were still in the mail, his mom called me to tell me he had Ctb with SN. My heart broke all over again. I mourn him so deeply. I was in love with him. My heart was ripped open and my soul decimated. I can't believe someone died thinking about me and looking at my art. He had told me before that I reminded him of humanity and who he was and know he felt loved and ready to die.
I am going to write up something to be read at his funeral. I don't know if I have it in me to go and face his family and I can't really afford the plane ticket. I gave all my loved ones his favorite granola bar for Christmas.
In January I will be able to afford SN. Then I plan to Ctb mid February. Rest assured I will get a hotel and will not be sending any messages that are out of the ordinary that day. I learn from my mistakes. When I made the decision to Ctb in Feb I felt such peace, relief and happiness. However my resolve has since wavered as my loved ones have begged me not to Ctb and offered support in every way that they can conceive. And making future plans with me. My sister is pregnant. The guilt I feel is indescribable. But then I feel depressed and trapped here. I truly don't want to live, especially without Jesse. The pain of losing him has been profound. I cry everyday. I don't know how I'm functioning right now. It's a struggle to do basic tasks like food and hygiene and self care.
I have never felt so loved, seen, validated and appreciated by another person. And I have had some rich and deep connections in my 31 years. Jesse was kind, caring, intelligent, attractive, funny and observant. He cared about the other persons perspective even if he disagreed. He was passionate about helping others and making the world a better place. He loved solving math problems for funsies, cooking, caring for family, veganism, music and art. I am privileged to have known him.
I have never met someone like Jesse before and likely never will again. I have never connected with someone on the internet like that before or had such a whirlwind of a relationship. We had so much more to talk about and do together and I believe we were both in love with the other. If I cannot be with him in life then I can follow him into the dark and pray my soul finds his.
Rest in peace my love, I can't wait to join you.
If you read this far holy fuck thanks for reading. Please eat a Nature valley peanut butter granola bar and think of Jesse. Root for me that I can have the strength to end my own suffering and grief when the time comes. I'm ordering the SN in January either way.
Thank you for reading our story,
Anna
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