A totally embarrassing and crushing night out

[CravingPeace]

My best friend & his wife asked me to come out for appetizers and drinks with my other good friend and her new fiancée. I'm trying my best to stay social after isolating myself due to bouts of alcohol-induced mania, so even though I'm sober I decided to tag along as a 5th wheel.

These people have been my good friends for over a decade now. We've all grown up together.. Well, they grew up and I cheered them on. They talked about wonderful plans of traveling, getting married, accomplishments at work and in higher education, having kids, and more. I participated in the banter but had nothing of my own to share.

2020-22 completely shattered me with COVID, reliving abuse while living at home for my grad program, drinking myself into my first manic episode for months, estranging my self from family and all friends/acquaintances as a result, having a debilitating spinal surgery, getting into and then kicked out of my PhD program.

Since then, I have not made a single step forward. I've been petrified ever since. The chaos has slowly trickled on with another manic episode after relapsing last year with more connection and purpose lost. Tonight reminded me just how pathetic my life has become. I felt and feel like a child who is only included out of pity.

Tonight sealed the deal on any doubts I had in my decision. Now it's just the logistics.

 

[CravingPeace]

This is not to place blame on my friends, either. I'm truly happy they are living life to the fullest. I just lost, or never had, the ability to. And I feel so ashamed that I can't.

 

[FrozenOcean]

I've grown mostly detached from societal norms and their definition of what success is and means. At the risk of invalidating your feelings, maybe it's a continual process of acceptance and growth. I clung to certain narratives at a certain stage in my development, but I can't unsee what I know now and I see little to no relevance in what society deems favorable. I hope you can find a way to cope with your life experiences.

"It's no measure of good health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." - Krishnamurti

 

[CravingPeace]

I've grown mostly detached from societal norms and their definition of what success is and means. At the risk of invalidating your feelings, maybe it's a continual process of acceptance and growth. I clung to certain narratives at a certain stage in my development, but I can't unsee what I know now and I see little to no relevance in what society deems favorable. I hope you can find a way to cope with your life experiences.

"It's no measure of good health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." - Krishnamurti

I would love to learn how to live how you do. AA and my therapist both talk about how I need to practice radical acceptance but my subconscious just doesn't allow me to at the current moment. PM me if you have time!

 

[deadbidaylight]

Society puts so much emphasis on "you do this, then you do this next, and then this happens. If you don't follow this formula, you fail at life". And it is SO FUCKING DUMB.

I fully feel like the people who blindly follow this formula really haven't lived a life that's theirs. Of course they can definitely have experiences that are fulfilling and feel satisfied with their lives, but I think because I originally followed that path and then took a sharp turn off that road map, it's just following what you're "supposed to do" and I find that too sheepish for me.

Just because you haven't followed that path doesn't mean that you've failed or that you can't still have those experiences. They don't have to follow that specific formula to happen. Most modern societies aren't following that road map anymore anyways. Less and less people are getting married and the ones that do have a 50% chance of divorce. Marriage sounds fun, but as a divorced person, it's really not that great.

Your life is not pathetic. You took a different path. And really there is nothing wrong with that. You've made mistakes, but we all have. You are now sober and seeing life through a different set of lenses. You are more than capable of starting a new life and have the ability to achieve all those things if that's what you'd want for yourself.

You aren't behind. You're following a different path. You're making choices to better yourself and change your direction. That is commendable and very brave. Give yourself some grace. You are doing great things

 

[myfaultneverlived]

It's always your choice of course but I don't know if CTB is the correct choice. You have an impressive education and could probably turn your whole life around into something that makes you proud if only you decide to try. If you still want to CTB after it all then you can start planning IMO

 

[CravingPeace]

Society puts so much emphasis on "you do this, then you do this next, and then this happens. If you don't follow this formula, you fail at life". And it is SO FUCKING DUMB.

I fully feel like the people who blindly follow this formula really haven't lived a life that's theirs. Of course they can definitely have experiences that are fulfilling and feel satisfied with their lives, but I think because I originally followed that path and then took a sharp turn off that road map, it's just following what you're "supposed to do" and I find that too sheepish for me.

Just because you haven't followed that path doesn't mean that you've failed or that you can't still have those experiences. They don't have to follow that specific formula to happen. Most modern societies aren't following that road map anymore anyways. Less and less people are getting married and the ones that do have a 50% chance of divorce. Marriage sounds fun, but as a divorced person, it's really not that great.

Your life is not pathetic. You took a different path. And really there is nothing wrong with that. You've made mistakes, but we all have. You are now sober and seeing life through a different set of lenses. You are more than capable of starting a new life and have the ability to achieve all those things if that's what you'd want for yourself.

You aren't behind. You're following a different path. You're making choices to better yourself and change your direction. That is commendable and very brave. Give yourself some grace. You are doing great things

You're the kindest. And everyone else too. Thank y'all so much for giving me a different perspective to look from.

 

[deadbidaylight]

You're the kindest. And everyone else too. Thank y'all so much for giving me a different perspective to look from.

We are in your corner.