gingerplum
Enlightened
- Nov 5, 2018
- 1,450
@Blackjack, this one's for you.
Thank you to @Stan, who composed the entire work that I edited and augmented; a collaborative effort, as per Blackjack's wishes.
Blackjack was a long-time lurker on SS after being diagnosed with ALS. Trapped in her chair or bed, the boards here meant companionship and support, and a place to vent without judgement. She even donated to SS to help keep it going.
Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or ALS, is a rapidly progressing neurological disease. ALS attacks nerve cells, leading to progressive weakness and disability. Nerve cells die, and muscle control is lost. People weaken until they lose the ability to move any muscle; arms, legs, mouth, and eventually even the ability to breathe; eventually they can't lift their own heads.
While ALS was the primary reason for catching the bus, BJ also suffered from mental health problems from an early age. Still, she coped with her MH issues well enough to lead a very full life, marrying a great guy and having two wonderful sons. Although she would never completely beat her demons, she managed to keep them at bay, living as 'normal' a life as possible. She worked as a journalist, specializing in investigative reporting.
When BJ was diagnosed with ALS, the walls that held her demons back came tumbling down. Now she had two debilitating illnesses to manage, both physically and psychologically. She grew more and more despondent, and at one point stopped eating. She was hospitalized for impaired mental status secondary to malnutrition, and later transferred against her will to a psych unit. Trapped in her chair and left in the open, she was terrified of the other patients and completely defenseless. The whole event was incredibly traumatic for her.
In the time before ALS, BJ saw someone throw a puppy from a car; she called the police, and it turned out, the perpetrator was running a filthy and inhumane puppy mill. When she investigated and reported that story, BJ won awards for both broadcasting and print.
The puppy thrown from the car was rescued and adopted by BJ; she named him-- wait for it!-- Blackjack. She lavished him with love, and considered him her "third son." His name was taken from a phenomenal streak of luck playing blackjack in Vegas, taking the house for quite a bit of cash. She really loved that memory of good times and good luck.
In her last weeks, it became painful for her younger son to see her so debilitated, and she could no longer speak clearly, so they communicated solely by text. BJ watched helplessly as he grew depressed, even more so when he lost his place on his own basketball team and his grades began dropping. Unable to console and guide her son this upsetting time, her stress and sadness became overwhelming. This put Blackjack into a terrible position: either stay until a ventilator could breathe for her, or take her own life while she still physically do it. She asked us here what she should do.
Naturally, she had anger and resentment over dying; she didn't want to go, but she was being forced. The progression of her ALS meant her physical ability to CTB was diminishing by the day. Waiting too long meant she would eventually lose her ability to even blink. The window of time was closing, so BJ made up her mind and her own funeral arrangements.
BJ was a straight shooter with a wicked wit about her. She spoke of 'back in the day' moments about her early life; in high school she was voted prom queen, funniest person and other accolades that showed how treasured she was. In spite of the MH issues she was dealing with, she was loved by her peers for her fun-loving spirit and rollicking humor. I loved seeing her responses on the boards and I read them with gusto.
What we know of her passing is somewhat supposition. N was her drug of choice, and we believe she took it on Monday 14th October in her home. She was truly grateful to the person who she called her Guardian Angel in helping her obtain it. That 'guardian angel' is an anonymous SS member, and symbolizes the generosity of spirit and compassion of this forum.
We can all take something away from Blackjack's story. She was brave, poised, resolute, courageous, and unselfish. Personally, she left me with enduring feelings about strength of character, devotion to family, and her tenacity to make the ultimate choice in her own way. BJ loved the Henley poem "Invictus;" i think It perfectly embodies her spirit and undefeated soul; in the end she was the master of her own fate.
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
Thank you to @Stan, who composed the entire work that I edited and augmented; a collaborative effort, as per Blackjack's wishes.
Blackjack was a long-time lurker on SS after being diagnosed with ALS. Trapped in her chair or bed, the boards here meant companionship and support, and a place to vent without judgement. She even donated to SS to help keep it going.
Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or ALS, is a rapidly progressing neurological disease. ALS attacks nerve cells, leading to progressive weakness and disability. Nerve cells die, and muscle control is lost. People weaken until they lose the ability to move any muscle; arms, legs, mouth, and eventually even the ability to breathe; eventually they can't lift their own heads.
While ALS was the primary reason for catching the bus, BJ also suffered from mental health problems from an early age. Still, she coped with her MH issues well enough to lead a very full life, marrying a great guy and having two wonderful sons. Although she would never completely beat her demons, she managed to keep them at bay, living as 'normal' a life as possible. She worked as a journalist, specializing in investigative reporting.
When BJ was diagnosed with ALS, the walls that held her demons back came tumbling down. Now she had two debilitating illnesses to manage, both physically and psychologically. She grew more and more despondent, and at one point stopped eating. She was hospitalized for impaired mental status secondary to malnutrition, and later transferred against her will to a psych unit. Trapped in her chair and left in the open, she was terrified of the other patients and completely defenseless. The whole event was incredibly traumatic for her.
In the time before ALS, BJ saw someone throw a puppy from a car; she called the police, and it turned out, the perpetrator was running a filthy and inhumane puppy mill. When she investigated and reported that story, BJ won awards for both broadcasting and print.
The puppy thrown from the car was rescued and adopted by BJ; she named him-- wait for it!-- Blackjack. She lavished him with love, and considered him her "third son." His name was taken from a phenomenal streak of luck playing blackjack in Vegas, taking the house for quite a bit of cash. She really loved that memory of good times and good luck.
In her last weeks, it became painful for her younger son to see her so debilitated, and she could no longer speak clearly, so they communicated solely by text. BJ watched helplessly as he grew depressed, even more so when he lost his place on his own basketball team and his grades began dropping. Unable to console and guide her son this upsetting time, her stress and sadness became overwhelming. This put Blackjack into a terrible position: either stay until a ventilator could breathe for her, or take her own life while she still physically do it. She asked us here what she should do.
Naturally, she had anger and resentment over dying; she didn't want to go, but she was being forced. The progression of her ALS meant her physical ability to CTB was diminishing by the day. Waiting too long meant she would eventually lose her ability to even blink. The window of time was closing, so BJ made up her mind and her own funeral arrangements.
BJ was a straight shooter with a wicked wit about her. She spoke of 'back in the day' moments about her early life; in high school she was voted prom queen, funniest person and other accolades that showed how treasured she was. In spite of the MH issues she was dealing with, she was loved by her peers for her fun-loving spirit and rollicking humor. I loved seeing her responses on the boards and I read them with gusto.
What we know of her passing is somewhat supposition. N was her drug of choice, and we believe she took it on Monday 14th October in her home. She was truly grateful to the person who she called her Guardian Angel in helping her obtain it. That 'guardian angel' is an anonymous SS member, and symbolizes the generosity of spirit and compassion of this forum.
We can all take something away from Blackjack's story. She was brave, poised, resolute, courageous, and unselfish. Personally, she left me with enduring feelings about strength of character, devotion to family, and her tenacity to make the ultimate choice in her own way. BJ loved the Henley poem "Invictus;" i think It perfectly embodies her spirit and undefeated soul; in the end she was the master of her own fate.
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
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