wiinterfrost
it only gets worse..
- Oct 8, 2023
- 116
hi, posting my first thread.
i guess i just wanna share a small part of my story. i don't get to talk to anyone so it might feel nice to let this out.
tw: ab*se mentions
as a smol child, i was quickly branded a "genius" (like "massive iq" genius, even though the value of "iq" comes from racist origins but i won't get into that now...). at the age of four i was writing down ideas for inventions and created my own board game and playing chess and doing maths and whatnot.
at that age, i was also starting to be abused, maybe that is also when my csa started but i honestly have little to no memories.
from a young age, i have also had the feeling that i have to "save the world", and that it is my reponsibility to make things better for everyone, probably spurned on by the fact that i was already starting to be emotionally responsible for my abusive and instable mother at around 6 (or even earlier?).
anyways, slowly but surely my "intelligence" started to deteriorate. i guess i didn't notice at the time, but i started having massive memory gaps and started being extremely confused all the time and i think i developed weird coping mechanisms. i was living in a dream world and my dreams were more real than "reality" and i felt like an angelic being not-from-earth i think. from the beginning of school (from first grade on) i started being bullied at school (looking back on it, most of it was geared towards my autistic traits) and i took it with a smile and still tried to share my love with people. i also have extreme emotional empathy but no cognitive empathy which sucked for someone so unprotected and young and abused.
at home i was still being abused and honestly up to about maybe a month ago i didn't want to admit it was abuse, still believing that my mother could be a "good person" because i felt her pain. ugh that's just the problem, once i felt someone is in pain i would throw away all reason no matter how much they hurt me because "i could help them"!! i think i developed some kind of helper syndrome lol.
anyways at about 13 i started realising how much i wanted to die and i had the plan to do it when i was 15. i even had a "bucket list" where i also wanted to get my first kiss before then and all that. when i told my father i was suicidal he laughed at me and told me to stop being dramatic. (i have the suspiscion he is one of the people who csa'd but as i said: fuzzy memories).
at 16 i had my first real friendship, we were best friends, but guess what she was abusive as hell (well, as abusive as a teenager can be. "abuse" might not be the right word as kids often don't know what they're doing? idk. tbh lots of teenagers/kids can be really horrid and cruel). she was bullying me, but also like telling me how wonderful and beautiful i was and how much she loved me. it was complicated. she was also racist and queerphobic and pretty damn ableist so that didn't help. (i didn't know i was autistic at the time, but later on she emotionally abused me about it when i tried talking to her about figuring out what autism is.)
where does this leave me now? i'm 24 and i have the mind of a child or a teenager most times. my mind is sooo slow that i cannot have a "normal" conversation with a single person. i need hours to think about the most basic response to a question if it is to be true (otherwise i am just masking with my happy-face which later makes me feel suicidal), and if the slightest bit of conflict involving another person enters the picture my brain starts being even more foggy and confusing and it's like it's trying to put me off the scent of what i really think. i think my brain's idea of keeping me safe is to confuse me as much as possible so i never express how i really feel. (was also abused at home so much for what i later figured out to be my autistic traits. even simple things like asking follow-up questions to things i didn't understand / made no sense to me.) i have become so dumb and so slow and i have constant panic attacks over the smallest things. outright panic. it is a huge part of my life. i cannot go outside and have lost all of my friends, some for bigoted reasons, some because they couldn't deal with me becoming suicidal again.
and like, when i looked for help in the past - the past 6 years - from social workers or doctors or therapists or clinics, literally all but one of them added to my trauma because it was always either a bit of racism or a bit of transphobia/queerphobia or a bit of ableism sprinkled on top or all of the above and a lot of the time i wouldn't even be taken seriously. like i would say "i have panic all the time" and a therapist would say "no you don't" just because i figured out the exact way to speak and move and behave to seem like i was fine which was my defense mechanism (because having visible panic attacks used to get me abused even more). ilike how does one deal with the trauma of CSA and adult SA and childhood mental/emotional/physical abuse and more if the system and people supposed to "help" are filled with racism and transphobia and ableism and making fun of autistic people (that guy asperger was a nazi btw) and just traumatise someone like me further?
all i need are is some nature and trees and the sound of rain and a place to be myself without masking and if i had that i could even figure out a way to heal myself enough to be brainy again. like the only reason i have stayed alive now is because some part of me still feels the duty to help others in the same situation as me and make "society" better and make inventions to help put a small part of humanity towards a more logical way of living that doesn't involve useless violence and destruction. not for myself, because there is no hope left for myself but i imagine there are some starry-eyed kids out there who still believe in the beauty of life and they deserve to have something to hold on to, don't they?
i have so many ideas and suggestions that have piled up, about how to make things "better" and how people so different from each other and even violent people can coexist and ideas about infrastructure and all that but no one ever listened to what i have to say and most of the time my brain is too muddled now to create coherent sentences out of my thoughts.
it's been strange, in the past months for the first time in like 10 years i feel parts of my "genius" returning and suddenly it's like i can see into the eye of god and know things but the next moment i am a vegetable-in-brain who cannot even move due to feeling so shitty.
sorry i don't think anyone could have read this massive novel but i guess it just needed to get out.
wishing you a nice night or day or evening or morning.
i guess i just wanna share a small part of my story. i don't get to talk to anyone so it might feel nice to let this out.
tw: ab*se mentions
as a smol child, i was quickly branded a "genius" (like "massive iq" genius, even though the value of "iq" comes from racist origins but i won't get into that now...). at the age of four i was writing down ideas for inventions and created my own board game and playing chess and doing maths and whatnot.
at that age, i was also starting to be abused, maybe that is also when my csa started but i honestly have little to no memories.
from a young age, i have also had the feeling that i have to "save the world", and that it is my reponsibility to make things better for everyone, probably spurned on by the fact that i was already starting to be emotionally responsible for my abusive and instable mother at around 6 (or even earlier?).
anyways, slowly but surely my "intelligence" started to deteriorate. i guess i didn't notice at the time, but i started having massive memory gaps and started being extremely confused all the time and i think i developed weird coping mechanisms. i was living in a dream world and my dreams were more real than "reality" and i felt like an angelic being not-from-earth i think. from the beginning of school (from first grade on) i started being bullied at school (looking back on it, most of it was geared towards my autistic traits) and i took it with a smile and still tried to share my love with people. i also have extreme emotional empathy but no cognitive empathy which sucked for someone so unprotected and young and abused.
at home i was still being abused and honestly up to about maybe a month ago i didn't want to admit it was abuse, still believing that my mother could be a "good person" because i felt her pain. ugh that's just the problem, once i felt someone is in pain i would throw away all reason no matter how much they hurt me because "i could help them"!! i think i developed some kind of helper syndrome lol.
anyways at about 13 i started realising how much i wanted to die and i had the plan to do it when i was 15. i even had a "bucket list" where i also wanted to get my first kiss before then and all that. when i told my father i was suicidal he laughed at me and told me to stop being dramatic. (i have the suspiscion he is one of the people who csa'd but as i said: fuzzy memories).
at 16 i had my first real friendship, we were best friends, but guess what she was abusive as hell (well, as abusive as a teenager can be. "abuse" might not be the right word as kids often don't know what they're doing? idk. tbh lots of teenagers/kids can be really horrid and cruel). she was bullying me, but also like telling me how wonderful and beautiful i was and how much she loved me. it was complicated. she was also racist and queerphobic and pretty damn ableist so that didn't help. (i didn't know i was autistic at the time, but later on she emotionally abused me about it when i tried talking to her about figuring out what autism is.)
where does this leave me now? i'm 24 and i have the mind of a child or a teenager most times. my mind is sooo slow that i cannot have a "normal" conversation with a single person. i need hours to think about the most basic response to a question if it is to be true (otherwise i am just masking with my happy-face which later makes me feel suicidal), and if the slightest bit of conflict involving another person enters the picture my brain starts being even more foggy and confusing and it's like it's trying to put me off the scent of what i really think. i think my brain's idea of keeping me safe is to confuse me as much as possible so i never express how i really feel. (was also abused at home so much for what i later figured out to be my autistic traits. even simple things like asking follow-up questions to things i didn't understand / made no sense to me.) i have become so dumb and so slow and i have constant panic attacks over the smallest things. outright panic. it is a huge part of my life. i cannot go outside and have lost all of my friends, some for bigoted reasons, some because they couldn't deal with me becoming suicidal again.
and like, when i looked for help in the past - the past 6 years - from social workers or doctors or therapists or clinics, literally all but one of them added to my trauma because it was always either a bit of racism or a bit of transphobia/queerphobia or a bit of ableism sprinkled on top or all of the above and a lot of the time i wouldn't even be taken seriously. like i would say "i have panic all the time" and a therapist would say "no you don't" just because i figured out the exact way to speak and move and behave to seem like i was fine which was my defense mechanism (because having visible panic attacks used to get me abused even more). ilike how does one deal with the trauma of CSA and adult SA and childhood mental/emotional/physical abuse and more if the system and people supposed to "help" are filled with racism and transphobia and ableism and making fun of autistic people (that guy asperger was a nazi btw) and just traumatise someone like me further?
all i need are is some nature and trees and the sound of rain and a place to be myself without masking and if i had that i could even figure out a way to heal myself enough to be brainy again. like the only reason i have stayed alive now is because some part of me still feels the duty to help others in the same situation as me and make "society" better and make inventions to help put a small part of humanity towards a more logical way of living that doesn't involve useless violence and destruction. not for myself, because there is no hope left for myself but i imagine there are some starry-eyed kids out there who still believe in the beauty of life and they deserve to have something to hold on to, don't they?
i have so many ideas and suggestions that have piled up, about how to make things "better" and how people so different from each other and even violent people can coexist and ideas about infrastructure and all that but no one ever listened to what i have to say and most of the time my brain is too muddled now to create coherent sentences out of my thoughts.
it's been strange, in the past months for the first time in like 10 years i feel parts of my "genius" returning and suddenly it's like i can see into the eye of god and know things but the next moment i am a vegetable-in-brain who cannot even move due to feeling so shitty.
sorry i don't think anyone could have read this massive novel but i guess it just needed to get out.
wishing you a nice night or day or evening or morning.
